WisteriaDrapedWishingwells

11/8/05
Well it's been a while since I have been in here again. I have been shocking at keeping up with things. A few weeks back the opportunity to have a go at working as a spec writer presented itself, so I thought, what the heck, I'll have a go. I have sent in four scripts so far and am not really sure what is going to happen as I'm not quite sure how it works. But hey so far I have enjoyed the experience even though I'm not a comedian.
Got some great shots of a double rainbow last weekend and I have to say that in my entire life I have never seen a double rainbow. Either they're rare or I simply haven't been paying attention. But the light from the rainbows on the tree were astounding, and they were only in the sky for around ten or fifteen minutes. If I had not gone out I would never have seen them and the light was just amazing, almost out of this world, absolutely stunning.
Had my birthday and my girlfriend gave me a beautifu lnecklace which I shall wear with pride from this day forth and never take off. So yeah, all in all it's been a good few weeks.
Over and out.

27/7/05
Yes I am going to have a rant, so be warned! I watched the news tonight, the United States has sent their rocket into space and New Zealand was squabbling about the leaky homes problem. Then an article came on about the drought in Africa somewhere. The pictures were terrible with some people actually eating the rotting flesh of their dead animals, as there was nothing else to eat. It showed little boys and girls trying to chew this rancid food and it just broke my heart. After that the article went on to go to the hospital where a little boy was so starved that his body was rejecting every bit of food they put into it, and he had an infection on his skin. The infection was so painful that the little boy was crying but they had nothing they could give him to ease his discomfort.
Apparently the UN asked for relief funds for this place way back last November, and so far they have collected only one million dollars. They say they are going to get relief for these people within two months from now, but hang on a minute. They knew these poor people were in trouble way back in November, so why has it taken eight months to make a pledge to get help there within two months from now?
What is WRONG with us?
How can we sit around celebrating a rocket getting into space (totally unnecessary I might add) and fighting about leaky buildings when we could be sending aid there now to immediately relieve some of the suffering for these people, particularly the children.
What the fuck is wrong with us? Where is our humanity, compassion and heart? It baffles me that those who are in control would rather fight over leaky buildings, electoral promises and sending rockets into space while other people; REAL people are dying from something so basic as a lack of food. It’s so basic in fact that it’s disgusting.

25/7/05
I'm just not finished yet so I'm exercising my perogative (sp) to use the 25th now, but I can't remeber what I was going to say. Oh yes, that was it. What a load of shite I have written in here at times. I read back through it and I'm so depressed I'm a hare's breath shy of throwing a Van Gogh...(cutting off my ear not my life.)
My pet hate at the moment is the way this stupid setup tries to decide whether I meant to use a capital letter or not, highly irritating that it presumes to know what i'm thinking and change my capitals to lower case. See, it just did it again in the previous line, arrogant fool! The setup, not you.
Yeah, I have been listening to a song by Cold Chisel called Where Did I Go Wrong, it's a mighty fine song with beautiful graty male harmony...lovely. Have you ever heard Jimmy Barnes sing his rendition of When A Man Loves A Woman? Wow, he really kicks donkey in that song let me tell you. And I discovered that Golden Harvest did a version of All Along The Watchtower...if you want a copy, email me...it's awesome...got that real Kiwi guitar twang in it, it's better than the original.
What is wrong with the world? Other than the fact it's basically almost Godless? We have a couple of youths here in New Zealand who committed a most disturbing crime, ok I'm going to cut out the toffy nosed talk...what they did was fucked up and cruel. They poured glue on some caged kittens and set them on fire for a laugh. I mean what is wrong with these kids man? The kids who committed the crime were 17 & 18 years old. Is it society, the games they're playing or the songs they're listening to, or have we just rendered some people so numb that they can just do anything becasue they're so heartless? I heard them bandying about the fact that these kids had violent upbringings and that's why they did it. I say that that is horseshit, you can have a really horrendous childhood and still emerge with heart, empathy and compassion, your sense of right and wrong (both legally and morally) well in tact. Acts of cruelty like that just really make me want to lash out at the perpetrators, it makes me want to pour glue on their hand, set it on fire to give them a sense of empathy for those helpless vulnerable creatures they destroyed in such a vile violent way. Maybe then they won't do something like that again.
Then there's the terrorist attacks all around the world, pretty scary that it doesn't seem to matter where you go that you never really know you're safe. It's sad that it seems to be a sign of the times, and bombings now, it's like "Oh just another one."
Then there's the 25'000 Iraqis that have been killed since the war on terror started and yet the coverage of those deaths is minimal if not ignored altogether. YET 58 people die on the London underground (and I'm not trying to minimise that, merely putting it into some kind of persepctive) and it's flashed all around the world and called dispicable. What about all the people who died in Kosovo, Russia, Zimbabwe, Iraq, Israel, Palestine, Egypt etc? Seems it's only tragic when it involves Westerners, are we really that shallow and arrogant that we think Westerners are more valuable to the human race than others? And where is the human race racing off to now anyway? Who knows! I think we live in a bad world and moments of beauty must be grabbed and held onto, and I think that's why I photograph clouds, thorns, moons, mists and birds, I'm trying to fill my head with the beauty of nature instead of the everyday cruelty of the world. I'm so overwhelmed by everything that goes on out there in the world that I am sorely tempted to throw out the TV and the radio, never read another newspaper or magazine again and live in ignorance...i think my life would be happier and more peaceful, yet somehow that wouldn't be real now would it? But I have to ask myself, what's reality got going for it right now? Thank goodness for friends and hope and other distractions, it makes all the other stuff that's going on not so powerfully flooring.
Well that's me.Bye

26/7/05
It's actually the 25th, but by the time anyone reads this it'll be at least the 26th. Yup had my birthday, a year older, a year wiser and all that. What a load of hogwash, but I have changed quite a bit over the past 6 months I have to say.
I have done something with my writing, and really gotten into my photography in a big way. I have always had a good eye for photography, but always saw it as a bit of a strange talent, a bit like my ability to play kick ass pool.
But it appears people like my pictures and oddly enough I really like them too and may in fact do something a little more serious with them, not sure what yet.
I have been greatly encouraged by my friend Wolf in my writing, and then there's those who apparently always thought I had talent, but whom I thought were just being nice, and now I am at the place where I feel okay saying, "I'm a writer." Yup, so, oh and Katherine Patterson (the world renowned children's author) read some of my work and she loved it and one piece in particular she is peddling around the place, for free, like that means I don't get paid, but it's never been about that anyway and any publicity from anyone anywhere is always helpful. Yeah I'm having a skite...I have to, I seldom get the chance to skite...so yeah, I'm pretty pleased that so many people are enjoying my writing.
I have started photographing a flock of birds that live across the paddock from my house, they are amazing and it was pretty tricky getting them into a shot, but I got a couple of good ones and going back tomorrow for another go.
Bye

19/7/05
Wow, it's been a while hasn't it? I am finally fully recovered from the flu and all the other ugly jazz that went with it. Have my first piece of work officially on the desk of a publisher (prospective publisher), well I submitted a piece of work years ago that a certain publisher loved, yet they didn't publish that sort of thing. So almost a decade later, I'm giving it another shot to see what happens this time around....like they say, "Nothing ventured nothing gained."
Sandanizta Mist is still alive and well, now sitting at 635 pages, that's 185'407 words, hasn't moved from that in around two weeks but I'm getting back to that this week.
Wolf built a page annexed to his Deceiving the Elect site, featuring my piece of work Jade and also the photos that helped inspire the piece. The traffic there has been steady, comments have all been positive so far. It's winter here and freezing cold with those Antartic breezes shooting through...chilly!
Over and out for now

21/6/05
Well I have been sick all week, came down with an infection in my face and the flu last Thursday, finally heading onto the track to mending. Still in bed though, still feel like a ten ton truck ran me down. I haven't done much of anything too much, although I did spend some time on the novel which has crept up to 145'000 words or 505 pages, but I think I'm almost done with it. But that's what I thought 20'000 words ago, so who knows? Perhaps I'm just really good at writing the words 'hog wash' except that I need 145'000 words to express the expression? Still struggling to keep a handle on everything, still feel like shite, so going to go.

15/6/05
I have been checking out all the Heathcliff's today and I decided that Laurence Olivier (keep in mind I have never seen any of the diff versions of Wuthering Heights, so I'm going on stills and the story...and images I concocted in my own head as I read it) anyway Laurence Olivier doesn't convince me as Heathcliff. Timothy Dalton was very convincing becasue he has the dimple on the chin thing going on, and I thought Ralph Fiennes looked lovely with his long hair...I kind of liked Timothy Dalton in the Last of the Mohikans(sp) for the same reason...long hair. But my ideal Heathcliff I think would be Steve Perry with his long dark hair and slightly olive skinned, brown eyes and husky graty kind of smooshy male voice (the Portuguese are just darlings to look at) BUT...Steve would have to grow around another foot in height to truly pull it off, otherwise Heathcliff would be eye level with me, and I couldn't take any man who was eye level with me seriously. Isn't that terrible, I'm height biased! Perhaps I deserve to be thirtysomething, alone, with the odd ghastly neighbour staring at my boobage and calling me Brenda!
over and out

14/6/05
Been messing around with movie maker again, it's heaps of fun. I used to do short animation when I had a camera that fed into the PC. I lost it all when the PC crashed. I made a mistake with the first one I made tonight and I need to go back to redo it. Made one with some more of my photography, haven't been able to catch the mist again as every morning has been clear...bummer.
over and out

13/6/05
No novel work today, kind had things tipped upside down a little today. I listened to the Osmonds Greatest Hits today, how sad...but I LOVED it...Proud One, Still Gonna Need You, Twelfth of Never & Let Me In...and a few obscure ones, Goin' Home (I was like eight or something when that came out) & I Can't Live A Dream oiff their Brinstorm album, from memory it was Number 1 on the B side of the album...how sad I remember that? I'd give almost anything to get a copy of that album again. I warped my copy by leaving it in the sun when I was ten, xmas 76. Watching Brat Camp One Year On...I think I need to go to Brat camp...I could do three months in the Utah boonies, just get lost for a while, fall off the face of the earth for a time. Anyway time to toodle away and watch a horro or something. Nah, I don't watch horrors. Probably watch Blow or something, maybe Drop Dead Fred.
over and out

12/6/05
Well the novel is now 446 pages, 125'000 words, absolutely baffled by the whole thing really. Kids are watching the third original Star Wars movie...I liked the first original three movies, hate the new ones though. Always be a free thinker, question everything you hear, no matter how sensible it may appear, always question it. And NEVER give up your truths, no matter how much the world screams at you that you're crazy and/or delusional. As I saw on a T-shirt 'My reality check bounced."
over and out

10/6/05
I watched the weirdest Trading Places tonight, you know that American program they ripped off from the brisitsh, but that they replicated better? I don't know what it is about American TV execs, but they can take a half arsed half baked stupid concept and make it really good! Anyway I can't be bothered going into what I watched tonight too much, except to say that Taoists/Daoists are kind of strange people, stranger than the normal every day strange...they don't seem particularly content either. Their kids don't really get much exposire to the world if this family was anything to go by, and I suppose it would be fair to say that it is unfair of me to judge all Taoist/Daoist lifestyles on having only watched one family. My novel is now 116'000 words and still going strong. So anyway that's me for now...except that I'm watching Mama Olivia Soprano pretending to be crazy becasue she (her and Uncle Junior) arranged a hit on Tony that went bad. Tony knows it was her but he's not letting her know that he knows.
anyway so that's me for today.

9/6/05
Okay so Sandanizta Mist has reached 400 pages, that's 112'115 words and I am truly shocked becasue I'm still not finished yet. Of course I totally agree that a word count is not proof that it's actually a good piece of work, it could in fact be 112'115 words of pure drivel...but it's not! I like the story and in places I think it's fantastic, but there are parts of it I hate, those are the pieces I will need to work on. But I'm utterly shocked that it made it past 50 pages, and it just goes to show that you never know. The danger is that sometimes when you write something you fall in love with the story and you can't bring yourself to end it becasue then what will you do? But I don't feel that way, I just feel as though it's not finished yet is all. My friend went to see Cinderella Man and he said it was pretty good, good depiction of the depression era but I think he said that story was not quite historically accurate when it came to one of the characters, but still he's going to see it again. I want to see the War of the Worlds that has just been redone with Tom Cruise in it, I think it's Tom Cruise anyway. I watched Pink Floyd's The Wall the other day, bought a copy of it on DVD some time back and it is very well made. Features Bob Geldoff as a ...wait for it...famous rock star! Anyhoo, that's me for now.
over and out

8/6/05
Well a piece of sad trivia, New Zealand has the third highest abortion rate in the world, with 21.1 aborions per 1000 women. The only two countries ahead of us are America with 21.3 abortions per 1000 women and Australia has the highest rate with 22.2 abortions per 1000 women. I mean I had absolutely no intentions of talking about this subject of all things, but our Govt is going to go back to the drawing board and reorm the law that was passed in 1977 becasue they want to make the abortion rate drop drastically. Campbell Live that aired tonight is projecting several assertions, doctors pushing abortion, amnio testing has also increased the rate, sexual promiscuity is another contributing factor too. Oh my gosh and they think tht New Zealand has a higher promiscuity level than the States, I'm not sure whether the abortion rate is reflective of promiscuity levels or not...the highest abortion rate here ocurs within the 20-25 year age gap. Interesting the figures and info that comes out when someone investigates something like this.
over and out

5/6/05
It's real late, and I was almost going to have another coffee but I saw it's 11.18pm and I'll be awake forever if I drink more coffee right at this moment. Had a really good talk with my buddy from Colorado today, was real interesting. He keeps trying to find out what I really believe and I gave him my 'take' on some things, but he doesn't really know whether to believe me or not. It's funny though how we all believe different things about different people and events (just had a change of heart about the coffee...drinking it as we speak...disgusting I know). It's funny how we take what we want from any given event in history and make of it what we will in line with our own very unique way of thinking. See my beliefs are not born out of fear or anything else, they're simply a byproduct of what I have observed since I have been in this little slightly aspherial orb we so lovingly call Earth. But does life exist somewhere else aside from where we are? Is there some sort of cosmos somewhere else where things are as they were intended to be here? I honestly don't know and would hate to even begin to hazard an answer to that question. What would it mean for us if there was? I'm just bugging ideas around is all. I'm hungry, a hunting I shall go.
over and out

4/6/05
Well finally I have given my novel a name, it is called....wait for it...'Sandanizta Mist.'
Why? Because I really liked the name Sandinista, but the Sandinista was a corrupt form of Marxist government, so I messed with the word a little and came up with Sandanizta. I did that with one of my kid's names too, derived Ashaan from Asher. So anyway that's the title of my novel and I can now almost say I have written two big pieces of work, Eighth Note and Sandanizta Mist...will the world ever be exposed to these pieces of work? Probably not, but hey, I'm happy so that's the main thing. And of course there is my screenplay sitting on a producer's desk in England, and I don't know what's going to happen with that, most likely another rejection slip on it's way, but hey, nothing ventured nothing gained. I guess I sort of want to kind of trial by fire introduce myself to the world of fussy producers (and man they are)..not one of them ever wants what the other does. I have another short story I'm thinking of sending to a publisher who is a friend of someone I know, she told me to send it to her with her reccommendation, I know it's kind of surfin off someone else's wave, but if she thinks it has potential, then hey why not? I'd love to know what it feels like to be published, it must be such a buzz, it must give such a feeling of satisfaction I would imagine; I can only imagine.
So anyway, that's me, Sandanizta Mist...yup, I think I'll stick with that title.
over and out

4/6/05
Back to stealing dates again, it's still the 3rd, anyway, anyone remember Gordon Lightfoot...Sundown Gordon Lightfoot...remember the following song?
This is one of my all time fave songs becasue it's lyrically haunting and I like it for the imagery it's conjures up when you listen to it. It's a narrative with a very sulty sounding orchestral arrangement thrown in and man does it work well with Gordon's acoustic guitar layered over the top. Hauntingly sublime!!...just the way I like 'em.
"If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts could tell, just like an old time movie 'bout a ghost from a wishing well. In a castle dark or a fortress strong with chains upon my feet, you know that ghost is me. And I won't ever be set free as long as I'm a ghost you can't see. If I could read your mind love, what a tale your thoughts could tell, just like a paper back novel, the kind the drug stores sell. When you reach the part where the heartaches come, the hero would be me. Heros often fail. You won't read that book again becasue the ending's just too hard to take. I'd walk away like a movie star who gets burned in a three way script, enter number two. A movie queen to play the scene of bringing all the good things out in me, but for now love let's be real. I never thought I could act this way and I've got to say that I just don't get it. I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling's gone and I just can't get it back. If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts could tell. Just like an old time movie 'bout a ghost from a wishing well, in a castle dark or a fortress strong, with chains upon my feet. Stories always end. If you read between the lines you'll know that I'm just trying to understand the feeling that you lack. I never thought I could feel this way and I've got to say that I just don't get it. I don't know where we went wrong, but the feeling's gone, and I just can't get it back."
What was Gordon going through when he wrote this? Hmmm...like Stevie Nicks says, "Loves a hard game to play." No wonder I gave up as a bad joke.

3/6/05
It's Queen's Birthday Weekend this weekend and Monday (supposedly the Queen's birthday) is a public holiday. Several things trouble me about celebrating this day. Firstly we live approximately 26'000 kilometers away from England where our wonderful little Queen reigns (I came to this round about sum becasue I figured I'm like 13'000 kms away from Colorado and that Colorado is probably about that distance from England, I suck at Math, go figure), secondly if we're part of the British monarchy, our little hunk of mud sticking up out of the sea way down here a heartbeat away from the Antartic, then why is it the Americans who are giving our SAS a lift to Afghanistan to help hunt down Osama Bin Laden? (And WHO gives a magic mushroom about Osama Bin Laden anyway?) And secondly, the Queen wasn't even born in June. I mean that's as bizarre as me celebrating my July 25th birthday on ... oh .... I ... don't know.... for arguments sake, October 6th or thereabouts. We get a day off for a something that is bogus. That's as insane as us celebrating the attempted act of arson against the British Parliament by, well ..running around lighting fires and setting off masses of crackers on November 6th. Probably what's more potty is that we celebrate it at all in the first place. No wonder Britain, Australia, New Zealand and other countries in the Pacific are filled with idiots and psychopaths! WE ENCOURAGE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOUR...so that leads me to my next suspicion, I highly suspect George Bush is actually a Kiwi...I jest with you...even he doesn't light fires to celebrate acts of arson!!!! No that is solely the insanity domain of the British Monarchy...people like me...I love all the pretty colours of the crackers, particularly the Daisy Wheels.... of course our Daisy Wheels are slightly smaller than the ones tvhe US used to entertain our little turbaned friend Osama Bin What's His Handle!
Oh and I can just hear that twangy Amercian accent over the speaker saying something like, "Alpha Whiskey November, don't forget to swing by and pick up those Kiwis on your way over, there's no McDonalds in Whenuapai but hey Helen Clarke will be there." and I can hear those poor Amercian soldiers as they make their way over here on their little tin can in the sky, "Off to pick up those Kiwi boy scouts becasue without them we'll lose the war on terror for sure and does anyone know who the fuck Helen is?"
And I'm sure Osama is shaking in his booties to know the Kiwis are coming after him, I can see him now in Homer Simpson fashion, one hand with his fingers in his mouth saying "Oooooooh Oooooooooh the Kiwis are coming, hide me!" Hey come on already, not even our Kiwi cops carry guns for crying out loud. We have unarmed security guards parked outside our banks armed with walki talkies to scare the sorn off shotgun toting bank robbers away...(like you know you can just imagine the secruity guard saying to the would be criminal element arriving at the bank armed to the teeth with every weapon imaginable including probably an oozi, "You go in there Mr Robber and I'm going to tell on you")...I mean customer's sense of safety inside our banks has never been so high, and bank staff morale has apparently soared, so I can see why Osama would be terrified at the thought of a bunch of Kiwi coming after him. Why I bet he's losing sleep over it as we speak.
I mean in some aspects we're more Amercianised here than toffy nosed British, and I think we'd be better suited celebrating July 4th than June 6th, I mean can you imagine the movie moguls shooting a movie about Aliens parking their big space ships over the top of Westminster Abbey on June 5 and then some ex RAF alcoholic top dressing pilot rushing into the bunker under the palace to 'save the day' on June 6th? No, me neither! And anyway, they're like looking in the totally wrong place for Osama Bin Laden anyway, I know exactly where he is. He moved into my daughter's room around three years ago, and I know this becasue every day it looks like there's been a major act of terrorism in her room, and I honestly haven't seen her bedroom floor since 2002...I swear. I mean Osama could even have his dialysis machine tucked away somewhere in there for all I know. And anyway if anyone with half a brain thought about it long enough they could get Osama Bin Laden with one easy trick. Dialysis machines need electricity to run, and we all know that a couple of D sized batteries ain't going to cut the mustard, so hey here's a thought, cut the electricity to Afghanastan for a week, wala problem solved!
Hey and I heard that daddy Bush wants his other little boy Jeb to run for president... hmmm...talk about keeping it in the family. I sure hope America has another bunny to pull out of the top hat, becasue I can see it now, eight more years of blowing stuff up!If the Bush family keeps this family dynasty thing going on in the White House then before we know it my kids will be running around as adults with T-shirts with a picture of one of the Bush girls on it and the slogan, 'Twenty-four years of blowing stuff up."
No I'm not anti-American, I'm just picking on them today so that I don't have to think about other shit that's going on. Personally I think us celebrating June 6th is more insane and banal than anything the Americans have done in the past 38 years, including claiming to have walked on the moon. Hey I'm just a nutta, remember, moments of levity cause me pain. Oh yeah...no never mind, I'll save that for another day.
over and out already

2/6/05
I didn't write anything yesterday becasue I wasn't sure what to say exactly, see suicide has once again touched my life, although not as closely as the other times. My friend Robbie had a childhood friend named Fran (name changed for privacy reasons) and she hadn't seen Fran for a few years but just caught up with her again about 2 months ago. Last night Fran hung herself, leaving behind 2 children aged 6 & 4 and a husband, Fran was 36. It was totally unexpected and seemingly out of the blue.
I just spent an hour or so on the phone just listening to Robbie in her shock and bewilderment becasue she just doesn't understand, and I don't think anyone truly does. She kept saying that she meant to talk to her more about how her life was, she knew Fran had some issues. Robbie seemed to be saying to me that she felt that if she had talked to Fran that maybe this might not have happened. My heart went out to Robbie, it really did and it took me back to the times that I have had to deal with these very same issues. I didn't say a whole lot to Robbie except that this was a decision that Fran made, that there was nothing she could have done or should have done that would have altered the fact that Fran was obviously and had obviously been traveling the 'should I shouldn't I' road for a while for it to have culminated in the outcome of last night. I wish life was simple and that there was some kind of way we could know when these things are going to happen so that they might be avoided. But life has taught me that when someone attempts suicide for real, that they do it in such a way that there is nothing anyone can do to interfere in the outworking of the deed, this is generally becasue you have no idea in the first place becasue they hide it so well...
And what can you say? I mean this whole Fran situation with Robbie reminds me of the situation with Priscilla when she hung herself back in 98, ten days out from xmas. None of us had a clue she was going to do that until we saw her hanging, she paid attention to detail, even opting to do it during the early hours of the morning so few people would be exposed to seeing it, at least I think that's why she did what she did in the way that she did it. She was unusually happy that previous day and we didn't see it coming at all, but in hindsight, there were some pretty powerful clues that she was up to something. But none of us are mind readers, we can't blame ourselves for what we didn't pick up on, or what we could have done, becasue once a person kills themself every single one of those thoughts have moot points becasue it's over already. People who truly desire to kill themselves cannot be helped because they don't say, they just 'do' and then it's a done deal. Coping with the aftermath is horrendous and I really do know what Robbie's going through, but at the end of the day all I can do is be here to listen, words are fairly useless at times like these.
CU

31/5/05
Yeah I'm having one of them days, tears tanturms but no tiaras becasue desirable princess I am not. As it turns out, I'm not desirable anything. I hate movies like Pretty Woman and Ever After, yet I subject myself to the shit drivelling stuff becasue I know those two girls are going to get a happy ending, bad girl, undesirable girl is suddenly recognised by Mr. Right as the true deep sincere beauty God always intended she'd be. Then I want to vomit becasue life just aint that way, true beauty is never recognised, ever. In the real world those two girls would be left to rot, just like me and girls like me, and the nice boys would see them as low life skanks they'd screw for sure but never take home to meet mummy, let alone fight the odds to love them, against all social pressures and etiquette and all that other shit that ...whatever, it's total fucking crap!
It's times like these that moments of levity actually cause me pain.... ha ha ha!
Oh oh and I'm NOT going to come back in here in half an hours time and delete this, fuck it, it can stay here!
I DID come in here and delete most of what I said...just goes to prove I truly am too CHICKEN SHIT to let anyone really know what I'm thinking and feeling!
over and out already

30/5/05
Nuclear Bombs Don't Just Go Off...that's my topic for the day, the false all out global nuclear war threat that us teenagers of the 80s lived with and had nightmare after nightmare about. This is why the threat is bogus, just follow me along, humour me if you must, but here goes.
Imagine if you will a tube with a shit load of plutonium or uranium at either end of the tube. Using conventional explosives, the two are blown to the center of the tube where they meet. They must be held there at the center of the tube as a 'critical unstable mass' long enough to detonate it. The actual detonation is brought about by the GEOMETRICAL SPATIAL RELATIONSHIP of the sun's and earth's position at a precise moment of time. This needs to happen immediately or there'll be no reaction. It is this GEOMETRIC TRIGGER that actually detonates the unstable mass by affecting the motion of the atomic particles. The challenge at hand is to disrupt the geometric arrangement of the unstable matter. EINSTEIN was aware of this when he stated that "The whole of physical reality is manifested by the geometrics of SPACE and TIME." So in order to cause an explosion of such magnitude it is necessary to set up a geometric proposition that is in opposition to the initial construction, this cannot be done by using conventional explosives. The critical thing here is to cause the atomic particles which all revolve on a set course to fly off at a tangent (kind of like my emails sometimes do)...
I tried to explain this to a friend of mine and I did such a piss poor job of explaining it that I think he just wrote me off as some psychotic conspiracy freak fruit cake and never even responded to my drivel...(I hardly blame him) probably becasue it didn't make too much sense, anyhoo, maybe now it will make a little more sense...I'm not a nuclear physicist, or mathematics dweeb....so my explanations are bound to sound bogus and stupid....
So there you have it, like it, lump it, take it seriously or laugh at it. I believe it, and I believe it becasue mankind is too stupid to possess the foresight to see and understand the devastating consequences of unleashing an all out nuclear strike against someone somewhere to have not done it by now. Simplistic rationalisation, yes, but complicated rationalisations are not a prerequisite for something to actually have an ounce of truth to it. If you want to check things out any further, may I suggest you do a little research on the Rocky Flats Nuclear Weapons Plant in Colorado, back in 1988, Nov 21st a scandal broke out about the actual activities being partaken in at that plant...nuclear weapons were NOT prevalent..... anyway that's my little blurb today for whatever it's worth..
over and out

29/5.05
I remember back in 86 when Bryan Chambers and Kevin Barlow were hanged in (Thailand?) when they were caught with H coming through customs. That was really horrible, I mean the day they died becasue we knew exactly what time they were going to do it. I remember thinking to myself how barbaric it was to do that, even if they were Australians! No seriously though, I think the other seven who were caught after Schappel are up shit creek without a paddle. If Schappel gets 20 years for Marijuana, then they're going to come down hard on H. They are less inclined to give the death penalty to a female foreigner, the same reluctance was seen in the case of the two New Zealanders Aaron Chohen (14 years old at the time) and his stupid mother who had him carry the drugs for her Lorraine Cohen. The only reason they never hung was becasue Aaron was a child and Lorraine was a female. But after Schappel, I think the Balinese Govt is going to want to send a swift message to Australia and New Zealand alike, and I think they'll get the death penalty, Schappel Corby just missed having it handed down to her, so what chance do they stand? BUT they knew the laws going in, get caught and you die, obviously they thought the potential financial gain was worth the risk? I'd never do it, I don't care what the financial incentive. So if you know the rules and you get caught becasue you choose to do something stupid anyway, it's kind of hard to feel sympathy, and when you have seen what H does to people, it's even harder to have sympathy for the poison peddlars! I think that there is probably not much torture more torturous than knowing someone is going to kill you, knowing that with every passing minute you are a minute closer to your determined date with fate, death whatever you want to call it. I don't agree with the death penalty, a society can be judged simply by the way they treat their criminals, and what does it say about the bloodlust of countries like Iran and the USA who support the death penalty as an ideal? I know they're not the only countries that do it, but the land of liberty where they systematically strap people down and put them to death?
Don't get me wrong, if someone killed my kids or raped and killed my daughter I'd be the first one wanting to shoot the prick that did it, HOWEVER it would NOT make it right, it would solve nothing and the scales of justice would no more be in balance after I exacted my revenge, however, again, it does not change the fact that I'd want revenge I am sure. I still think taking a life is wrong, no matter the reason. I feel sorry for the young Australians becasue they're all really young and they made a stupid mistake that in ten years time they'd probably never have dreamed of ever making...age does that to you, and unfortunately the foolishness of their youth may very well prove fatal. My daughter is sticking cellotape on my cat's feet and the cat is doing a strange kind of demented kitty cat cance...that mistake might prove fatal for her soon too if she doesn't knock it off! Oh yeah, and what about all the crazy cellphone deals around right now, what's the catch phrase, "More blah blah for your moolah." I mean who comes up with these slogans anyway?
over and out

28/5/05
Topic of discussion today gutless wonders...that's me...that would make the topic boring. Ok so let's talk writing again, hey let's not! No I have been working on my first novel (fiction) and um it's been pretty interesting becasue I have never been able to write a long work of fiction, unless you count the novel I wrote when I was 14, and I remember what it was about, but I don't even recall what I called it. Anyway, but this novel of mine now has murder, mystery, suspense, sex (nice sex, not icky stuff...okay well there's one icky scene, but it's sort of funny too) and this novel has people from the past, the future and I know it all probably sounds very boring, but it's not. The thing I can't believe is that I've made it past 300 pages...I didn't think I'd make it past 50, usually I have never made it much past page ten, and even then that's probably an exaggeration...I struggle with the first few paragraphs. I had all these partially started novels on my PC (but it crashed and I lost the lot) that I was keeping for a rainy day, but can't remember most of them, although one was about the four horsemen of the apocalypse, that I do remember. Was it a potentially good novel? I dunno, maybe when I'm done with this one, I'll start that one again, but I'm not too imaginative you know? My friend has a book coming out in June and I shall get my first ever autographed copy of a book, and I'm so looking forward to it, and the story is really good, so when I know some more definite info, I'll post a link around here somewhere for you to go check it out, of course that's assuming anyone actually reads this drivel I write in here. So did you all see the verdict on Schappel Corby? 20 years in a Balinese jail, bummer and I reckon that the other seven they caught with the H will probably find themselves hanging from the end of a very short piece of rope, sadly true.
out

27/5/05
So I came in here and deleted most of what I wrote yesterday. Such a brave soul I am. I don't really have anything to say today except that modern technology and I have been at logger heads lately AAAARRRG! Life is/sux a lemon and I want my money back!
out already

26/5/05
'Carpe Diem, lads. Seize the day. Make your lives extraordinary.-Dead Poets Society.
Why did I put that little ditty there? I don't know, why do I do any of the things I do? I have no idea, I just felt like being all smart and intellectual. I really don't have a topic today, I'm sitting here listening to Poco's Heart of the Night which is a really cruisy nice sweet dreamy song...and I'm in that kind of mood. I watched Lost last night...I am a sucker for a good American drama...was raised on the stuff actually and Lost, well Lost rocks! My fave characters in Lost are Hurley (cos he's funny) Saied (cos he's not funny) Charlie (cos he's funny) and Jack (cos he's not funny)....No seriously, what makes this programme so goooooooooooooood? See I don't know what it is, I mean they're on an island they can't get off, food is scarce, well except for wild boar and coconuts...wild boar tastes like shit let me tell you, and coconut is a natural laxative, so they run around the island....never mind I won't say it.
That's funny, you know how you never say what you mean? I made a page in here called Bad Page, Very Bad Page and it contained all the things I wanted to say to certain people but never had the balls to. I left it in here for half an hour and then in a blind panic I came back in and deleted it, and the whole time I was deleting it I was thinking, "Gosh I hope no one I knew read that." I might as well be talking to a wall becasue I'd get a better response! And sure as the sun will shine tomorrow I'll be in here within half an hour to erase every word I just wrote becasue that's the sort of weak willed person I am, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
CU

25/05/05
Today I want to talk about divorce. I am about to leave the ranks of the married and am being (it would seem) demoted to the ranks of the divorced...not that I mind, to the contrary, it's well overdue. But in some ways I kind of earned my demotion, I wasn't exactly the most wondeful wife in the world. I didn't cook, and although this was no national secret, it did get on his wick a bit. I did try a couple of times, but after about the fifth time of him telling me what a wonderful cook he was and what a terrible cook I was (and he wasn't mistaken on that score) I threw a teatowel at him and said, "Fine, consider the kitchen yours," and I didn't spend much time in there after that. No I tended to excel at things like martial arts, touch rugby, fixing the car and restoring furniture, not exactly the talents a man has in mind when he's looking for wife material I guess. I was a good mother to his children though, and he was ever surprised that I could pull bunnies out of hats when it came to creativity...I could look at something like an item of clothing and replicate it without a pattern, or knit the kids jerseys with Barney or Bart Simpson's face on them...again, not exactly a talent a man has in mind when searching for wife material, but an impressive talent nevertheless. I could bake though and I do clearly remember having a Marie Antionette moment with my husband where I said, "They can eat cake."
I was a good writer too even when I was with him, but he never knew I wrote anything, how's that for secretive, in five years he NEVER knew I wrote and he NEVER ever saw me write...I didn't want to share it with him (Magnolia you sweet thing!), so I didn't and I wrote in secret and hid it all over the house like an alcoholic would hide bottles of Vodka or whatever an alcoholic's choice of poison is. My writing often shows the 'real me' (again...Magnolia you sweet thing) and I didn't want him to see the real me, I didn't trust him enough I guess, so he only knew part of me, but that's not a terribly bad reflection on him, I rarely share the real me with anyone, and even now only one person has ever had a true glimpse of her (oh Magnolia so secretive). My husband only ever found one thing I wrote...my 1984 diary...that was amusing let me tell you. In martial arts, I did Zen Do Kai...which is a freestyle form of martial arts, glorified street fighting if you really have to know....created by Mr. Bob Jones of the Bob Jones Corporation...and I did kick boxing....and in that arena I kicked his ass, of course that was in a controlled environment, outside of a controlled environment, he kicked mine!(Who's going to ride his wild horses, drown in his blue sea and fall at the foot of thee?...NOT ME!)
We really didn't have one thing in common, not one. He didn't write or read (unless it was the race pages out of the newspaper)...he drank and liked women...a lot! He was a superb mathematician....numbers and I never got along. So begs the question, why did I marry him in the first place? Did I love him? No, I didn't love him, I have never been in love...seriously, I have NEVER been in love. No my relationships were always based on the need to feel wanted, protected and and all that other shallow shit, why? Becasue that was where I was at back then, the fairytale dream of being the maiden who'd be rescued from the tower by the handsome stranger passing by. But the one thing I learned is that Fairy Tales are flawed...
...SERIOUSLY FLAWED...
I had this discussion with my friend last week, and my take on it was that dragon slaying knights only slay dragons if there's something in it for them, and that generally the damsel in distress eventually realises (albeit too late) that the dragon she knew was better than the one she didn't, and it would have been more proficient for her had she just stayed put in the tower. My friend's take on it is that the wonderful knight rescues the maiden and then she prompty smashes his face in with anything she can lay her hands on, so I think it is fair to assume that my friend and I are somewhat jaded. Fairytales just don't work for he or I, they never have. He pointed out that he had been living some backwardassed fairytale, and basically that's what my marriage was, a backwardassed fairytale where, like my friend, I saw the wrong people as the knights and dragons. So my divorce is not a bad thing, maybe a sad ending in some people's opinion, but some marriages just never should have happened and this, my friends, was one of them.
Did I want 'happily ever after' well of course I did, who doesn't? Did I believe in 'happily ever after'? Yeah, once upon a time I did. Did I think I was going to get 'happily ever after'? For a while there, maybe even for just a moment I dared to dream it might happen, but being wiser and older and a little more scarred, I have come to my senses, as I said before, fairytales are flawed...SERIOUSLY FLAWED...what did Don Henley say in his song End of the Innocence? That's right, 'Happily ever after failed and we've been poisoned by those fairytales'...so true!
Do I want to meet a real knight and fall madly and insanely head over heels in love...of course I do, but all the knights are married, still children, gay or dead...none of the aforementioned are exactly of any use to me now are they? So I guess I shall remain in my tower and make the most if it, but guys needn't think that I will ever let them swing off my hair to climb the tower ever again, I mean if they come to rescue me, then they knew I was in a tower right? Therefor they should know to bring their own rope, right...and a bloody good storyline to boot! If they haven't come prepared then they needn't bother! Laughing my donkey off! (tis a joke..donkey/ass...oh never mind!)
over and out

24/05/05
Ok, so today's topic would appear to be writing becasue it's on my mind, constantly. I think people who have their work published are very brave souls, why? Well when writers write stories, particularly novels, they are basically offering you a look into their head, or maybe the way they think the world should be, or maybe they're just giving you a peek into their imagination/psyche. I mean I have been thinking about that a lot becasue a lot of what you read in novels, you would cringe if someone actually said it out loud. Often times the novel writer is allowing us to escape into a world that appears to match what we thought life was going to be better than the reality within which we actually exist. I have been working on my first piece of real fiction, a novel, I can't tell you what it's called becasue I for the life of me cannot come up with a title and I'm on page 208 already, and still it remains nameless, which is odd becasue normally I don't find that I have to grapple with finding titles for things. It annoys me becasue I fear it will still be nameless by page 500. There's not even a thread within the story that appeals to me as a title, I'm living on hope that one day something is just going to jump out at me. I thought about calling it Ingenue, but it's been done, KD Lang put an album out by that name once some years back I believe. KD Lang has never really appealed to me musically, except for Calling All Angels (with Jane Sibury) and her song Constant Craving (oh do I love that song or what!). So then I thought about all these suckville snobville bollocky names like Inigma, or Enigma, either way both of those have been done too. Anyway I'm up the boohai on this one, so I'm just kind of trying to ignore it. The fact that I've dedicated the last 100 words or so to the predicament is indicative of the fact that I'm obviously not being that successful in ignoring it. But back to this idea of mine that authors are perhaps giving us a free peek into their psyche, I often wonder what my novel would say about my psyche to someone else? I wonder if my novel is embracing and bringing all the things to life that are lacking in my reality? I always thought that was what sleeping was for, you know dreaming about all the things you'd like to do or say that would be too riskey in everyday life? I mean I'm no Stephen king, I couldn't write about gruesome women abducting famous writers, pets coming back to life, and creepy clowns or anything else as a matter of course in my writing....aside from the fact that I lack the imagination. I mean fiction is really just the outworking of a really good shit spinner, novels are basically just a really complicated series of well told lies, well if you really analyse it, that's what they are, not that that's not a good thing, to the contrary, it's an extremely good thing. I love writing, but never thought I could ever write fiction, and I tell ya I have many (had ) many many attempts saved on my PC (before it crashed) that could one day have become something. I'm shocked I have gotten as far as I have with my new novel...passed the 200 mark and still going strong, there's hope for me yet! Mind you my friend who is a great author, he's just an amazing writer, he has really encouraged me in my writing, so that's helped. So anyway that's that for today.
over and out

23/5/05
I'm still having a giggle about the 'bogartchen'...it is really very funny...even after having to edit constantly for weeks on end to rid myself of that damn word...and one year later I wouldn't mind betting that I'd still find it in there somewhere if I looked hard enough. Did I mention the document was 12 font with 1.5 line spacing...which made it so much worse!
I was talking with my daughter last night, and when we talk generally there are hoots of laughter, serious side splitting laughter and last night was no exception. It started when I got whacked in the face by a door...no, I did it to myself, and although it hurt so much it initially made me cry (got me right in the mouth an cut my lip) we ended up rolling on the floor laughing. But she was asking me about the things I thought when I was little, you know those crazy things you assume when you are still very small, like pre-five. For example, my big brother told me (when I was three) that there was a man inside the radio, and I used to keep watch by the radio looking for him, you know trying to catch him leaving? Another thing I thought when I was real small (like around 4) was that teachers lived in their classrooms at school. My mother had a big bed in her room and a chair, and I used to think that she slept in the bed and that my step dad slept in the chair...don't ask me why, but it's probably got something to do with the fact that her room was like some sanctuary or shrine...I was never allowed in there, as a consequence I didn't ever see them asleep in there, so I assumed away...as you do. I thought all sheep had their faces stuck to the ground becasue whenever I saw them they were always eating, so whenever I drew sheep at school when I was five, I always drew them with their faces stuck to the ground. I thought everyone was on the same time zone all around the world, I think I was almost eight or nine before I realised there were time differences all over the world. I thought all dead cats were buried under manholes...WHY? I have absolutely no idea, that's just what I thought. Oh yeah and right up until I was eight years old I thought everyone lived until they were one hundred years old. I'm sure I had many other glaring misconceptions about things in general when I was very small, but they're the ones that stand out the most.
The other thing we discussed was cats. We had a cat called Elmo and when I got him he was so small he fit in the palm of my hand. He had been abandoned in a box on the side of the motorway here in Auckland and we took him home from the vet who found him. He was never a normal cat, right from the get go he was different. He used to play rugby, and he'd hit a ball to me and I'd go to hit it back to him, and as soon as I made a move toward this ball he'd run at me trying to get it off me. As he got older he developed a fascination for jumping up my girlfriend's skirt, don't ask me why, but the first time her ever did it, we almost wet ourselves laughing it was so funny. She was standing there talking to me and Elmo kind of placed himself between her feet and then leapt head first up towards, well the goal posts is the only way I can describe it and um, he scored! All I could do was look at my friend and quote Leslie Nelson from The Naked Gun and say, "Hmm nice beaver."
We were just laughing so much, but every time she came over this cat would try to jump up her skirt, it was bizarre and every now and then I'll just say Elmo, and we lose the plot laughing. Another thing Elmo would do is he'd fall asleep on top of the TV, and while he was sleeping he'd fall off, but it never woke him up, he'd just land on the ground sleeping like nothing had even happened. He was a funny cat, he's dead now, died back in 2002 and I was really sad to lose him, and I haven't quite had another cat like him, although my cat Manhattan is a close second, and Malfoy the kitten is showing Elmo traits, so we'll see. I have two Newfoundlands, Inyetu and Inteejah (Yeti & Jahjah) and cats and Newfs don't mix so good. I had another Newf called Intaos Mozart who died back in 2003, but he used to get bossed around by the cats, and the smallest cat Chompski was the bossiest of them all. We had several occasions where we found Chompski and Intaos on the lawn, and Chompski was actually beating up Intaos! She's the tiniest little Manx (has no tail not even a stump) and Intaos was like easy ten times bigger than her and she was running at him boofing him in the face and he was backed into a corner, it was so funny. But these two girls I have now, wow they boss the cats around all the time and it's a very delicate balancing act with them existing in the same proximity...but I think the girl's gig with the cats is courage in numbers becasue individually they don't bother with the cats, but get the two of them together and gang mentality takes over.
We used to have a goldfish called tails and the kids used to take Tails into the pool swimming with them , and interestingly enough, it didn't hurt him at all, I mean not that the fish could adequatley express whether he enjoyed it or not, but it certainly wasn't that that killed him, anyway but he's in that great fish heaven in the sky now.
over and out.

22/5/05
It's Sunday, well actually it's not, it's Monday because it's 12.46am, but I'm going to pretend it is still Sunday because...well because I want to and I can, so there! Topic, all's fair in love and war...no it's not, no I mean that's not the topic. I don't have a topic, and who came up with the idea that I had to have a topic? Don't look at me, no seriously the topic is 'spell check'. Not the one where you hit tools and then check your word out for spelling, no I'm talking the big gun of spell check...the one where you type in a word and below it asks you what you want to replace it with...hmmmmmm...tis a dangerous tool in the hands of the unsuspecting..especially when you try to change the name Kit to Bogart in an almost 600 page document. I did that once and I invented a new word. The new word was Bogartchen. You see not only did it change the name Kit to Bogart, it changed the word kitchen becasue that starts with Kit...and this hideous Nazi instrument of torture cannot tell the difference between Kit and Kitchen...which can only lead one to assume that whomever invented this little tool of mass destruction was a bloke! So I had to come up with a definition for Bogartchen....hmmmm...okay so I decided that it could mean 'pretending the kitchen is tidy, or it could mean...'not really the kitchen,' 'perhaps the toilet trying to pass itself off as the kitchen.'
Now in that almost 600 page document I had spent significant periods of time in the kitchen (despite not being able to cook...and lacking the desire to learn or even try) but it was randomly spread out through the entire document. Now I knew better than to try and fix it by putting in the word bogartchen and trying to change it back, to do that would have been suicidal...so I swam through my document for almost three weeks editing this hideous word out and around two months later I was still finding the dreaded Bogartchen rearing it's ugly head. So moral of story? Don't use the name Kit in your document and then try to change it to Bogart cos it's ugly man, really ugly!
out already!

21/5/05
Today's topic, friends. We all have friends, some of us have more than others, some of us only have a couple. I fall into the 'couple' category. I have two girlfriends who live distances away from me, and another friend who lives like 13'000 miles worth of ocean and about two huge giant states away (each state is possibly seven times bigger than my entire country) from me, but in terms of friendship he's as close to me as my two friends who live here. The three of them are very dear to me, and am I dear to them? I think so, but no one can really truthfully answer that but them. When I was a kid, like 15, someone once said to me 'love many trust few,' my advice would be 'love few, trust only those who have proved they can be trusted' and you gotta be so careful with whom you place your trust in becasue you never ever truly know...and sometimes the only way you can know is gut instinct. I have known my oldest friend since I was eighteen years old, and initially her and I couldn't stand each other. I thought she was snobby and she so wasn't my type. When she first met me she thought I was snobby and I so wasn't her type...see the pattern emerging? We got to know each other and we've been best of friends ever since. My other girlfriend I met around 7/8 years ago and we've each seen drastic changes take place in each other's lives, but we're still friends. My other friend, well we're still getting to know each other, but I know he's a keeper, the keepers stand out alone and away from the others. This guy certainly took me by surprise, I was not looking for him and I didn't expect him, but wow he really has so much in common with me that sometimes it's just downright scary. But my point is, you don't have to have loads of friends to get by in life, just have GOOD friends, TRUE friends, HONEST friends...becasue those kinds of friends are the ones that will still be there when your gloss wears off. Good friends tell it like it is, and when you get miffy with them for doing so, they still hang around and wait for you to get over it. They ask for the truth and they mean they want to hear the truth...anyway I could sit here all night espousing the virtues of having good friends, but you don't really understand it until you get older, and you kind of don't value it as much as you do until you're older either. I don't know, I just think good true friends are a joy in life, the best gift in life, and I really hope that along the way that I too have been a gift to my friends.
over and out for today

20/5/05
Finally! I am actually using a date on its proper day...told you that sooner or later I'd lag behind...soon we'll be at the place where I make up stuff to use the days I've missed...nah! Today is the 20th of May, an interesting day in history for me, the day my life became a little more than I ever thought it was going to become, well in 1974.
Oh my gosh 1974, what did 1974 mean in New Zealand all those years ago? Well okay, so you could take glass Fanta bottles back to the shop and get 5c for them, same with the big old glass Lemon & paeroa bottles and the old glass Leeds bottles, remember Leeds bottles? They had the little bubbles in the glass at the top. You could get 5 lollies for a cent, just about any lollies for 5 a cent. One and two cent pieces, copper brown in colour. If you found one cent on the ground, that was cool, but if you found 10 cents on the ground, you'd won lotto! Boys rode chopper bikes with orange flags on the back, girls rode scooters, usually red ones they pinched once older brother grew out of it. Raleigh twentys were just getting popular along with Abba and the Bay City Rollers, Seals N Crofts, England Dan & John Ford Coley etc were makin it big. Milk was around 4c a bottle, and it cost 2c to post a letter. Happenin' was the weekly music show (thank goodness someone eventually invented Ready to Roll)...Cat Weasel, Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, The Brady Bunch, Sesame Street and Play School were my thing...TV started at 2.00pm and shut down at 11.00pm, and they played old Elvis Presley movies on Sunday afternoons (during which I used to be overtaken by severe bouts of vomiting). Pebbles were big, so was gold rush, k-bars, purple popsicles, aniseed wheels, black knight, Jaffas, jandals, grip balls, Barbie & Ken, Malibu Skipper in her orange bikini and fake tan, then there was swing ball, Mr. Whippy, Sky Rockets, sparklers, Chevy Van, Big Norm and Fred Dagg (who also used to induce bouts of vomiting). And we can't forget Yogi Bear & Boo Boo playing cards, felt tips, fuzzy felts, paper dolls, Wombles, Macarno, knuckle bones, roller skates, roman sandals, jumping jacks, tom thumbs, Noddy, walkie talkie dolls, Bleebeep, sparkles, Tibbs, Foxton Fizz, chain bikes, Babs Boutique, PK, Doublemint, clogs, beetle boots, fish n chips, golden books, Doogle and his magic round about, Yellow House, ponchos and swaps. If I think of anything else, I'll get back to ya, but I don't think I missed anything becasue my memory is disgustingly good. Oh oh and can't forget this ad, do you remember these words, "Hugo said you go" and I said ,"No, you go," and soon he was back with a pack and we sat in the back..." oh my gosh I can't believe I remember that tossy bollocky pratty balmey up the boohai ad....well I suppose the advertisers did their job right. But WHO was the ad for, I know, do you?

19/5/05
Topic of convo today, this time? I don't actually have one. I'm sitting here listening to Ronan Keating from the terribly sad boy band Boyzone. I never liked Boyszone or any of those other tossy record company made to market bands. I don't know, I just have more respect for bands that did it the old fashioned way...to begin with...groups like Journey...okay so they sold out to the record company in the end. They went all bombastic power ballads, light shows, and tour T-shirts in the end, but before they sold out, they were awesome. Even for a little while after they were okay I suppose. I really liked bands like Depeche Mode, Time Bandits, Broken Home, PhD, Adventures, Falco ...but he was operating out of Vienna and was reallt untouchable becasue he dominated a corner of the market no one had ever thought of before.....so aside from Falco, basically all the ones that didn't sell out to the records companys and as a direct result of that basically faded away into obscurity...shame really Time Bandits and Depeche Mode were really good...Broken Home were excellent, I still have their tape Broken Home by Broken Home...admittedly the title was pretty unoriginal, but their songs were really good lyrically and musically. But anyhoo when Ronan Keating went out on his own he did really well...I only bought his first solo album called coincidentally Ronan...but all the tracks are pretty good except for the hash job he did of a remake...I hate remakes, although I did like Simply Red's take on I Can't Go for That by Daryl Hall and John Oates...and while we're on them, they did a really neat song called Sarah Smile...they weren't the only ones to use that name in a song..Fleetwood Mac did it twice with Sara (1980) and Welcome to the Room Sarah on their 88 album Tango in the Night...and of course who can forget Starships take on the name? Another name singers seem to like using a lot is Donna...10CC, Cliff Richard, Steve Perry, and a couple of others whose names escape me right now...on my old computer that I just lost everything on it becasue it crashed, I had compiled a list if 300 girls names s

19/5/05

To quote Brittany S "Oops I did it again." Stole tomorrows date...again...sue me...well I need some excitement in my life. Topic of convo today is Anna Nicole Smith and men. Did you see her on the last Oscars? I mean I don't go out of my way to watch the Oscars becasue I just think it's a load of dross, no better than our Baftas, in fact I think the Baftas are worse...I mean Shortland Street being passed off as good television viewing is like trying to say Anna Nicole Smith is a virtuous women and men only adore her for her mind! Can't South Pacific Pictures come up with something a little more meaty than Shortland Street...euuuuuuuuk I hate that program, I always have...but I have never liked soap operas, or Mills and Boones books or anything of that ilk. I merely caught the Anna Nicole Smith moment by accident..was chanel surfin' looking for something good to watch, and when you're stuck with TV1, TV2, TV3, TV4, (I see a pattern emerging here with a lack of imagination for naming TV stations), then you have Prime, Triangle, Trackside & Juice...OR you could have Sky, but I don't watch that much tv anyway so I don't bother, but tis a tricky undertaking to find something good to watch.. But anyhoo I was looking for something decent to watch one night and I saw this coked up breast implanted, lip augmented, bottle blond making a total prat of herself on stage and I was embarrassed for her, never mind the poor audience stuck right there in the room with it. Anyway, so it got me to thinking about why men get so gaga and drooly over something that is 75% modern science and 25% human tissue...that when God gave out brains she heard 'trains' and asked for a very small slow one as she'd probably not find much use for it anyway.

But men go gaga over her, I mean they line up to mount this 'thing'...never mind the fact that literally hundreds of men have preceded them and goodness only knows what else might be lurking around 'in there'...gross I know but necessary to make my point. Ok so lets break down what this woman possesses. Big boobage...excessivly big boobage... hmmmm...see I was always told (and this is through listening to guys talk) that more than a mouthful is a waste, or was it a handful? Actually I think that might have been a point of contention in their conversation, but whatever, you get the picture yeah? Anna Nicole has more than ten handsful of boobage potential... and I aint even going there with the mouthful potential. Ok she also has blond hair, but really where did that come from? A shop, or a very expensive salon, it's NOT real...sorry boys...but I think they already knew that. What about the important stuff? The ability to converse...well apparently guys don't like to converse during the fulfuiment of their desire with the object of their longing...and let's face it, she IS an object. That was a very CLASSY way of describing lust in action don't you think (this girl has potential). You know what? I can't really be bothered trying to work out why men go gaga over women like Anna Nicole Smith, there is no logical explanation for it, and I'm not a man so I could hardly even begin to process the thoughts that would drag one down so low as to want to drool all over Anna Nicole Smith. I have no respect for men who drool over women like that...BUT I can understand their drooly factor for other women, classy women like say...ME? NO! Women like Susan Sarandon, Jane Seymour, Meryl Streep, and Sandra Bullock women of that ilk...women with class, dignity, demeanour, inteligence, women that don't lower themselves down into that sex kitten fake crappy bollocky carry on just to get by. There are many many fine absolutely beautiful women out there in the world, why do men get stuck on Shallow Hal's like Anna Nicole? Ah, but see becasue she's shallow they can be shallow too, use her up and throw her away, she has that 'throw away disposable look' factor. It seems, in fact, inherent to who she is, and that's kind of sad I think. Becasue I'm sure that somewhere behind or beneath all the silicone, cocaine and botox is a very beautiful woman, a very sincere woman who has probably not led the easiest life. I mean I'm really no better than those men who use her, I mean I ridicule her and judge her too, and really, who am I to do that to someone else, no matter who they are?

So I leave you with this question, Is Anna Nicole Smith the way she is becasue she chose to be, or is she the way she is becasue men made her have to be that way? One final question, do you think that she has ever really truly been loved by anyone?'

I once heard this line in a movie, "All girls are princesses, didn't your father ever tell you that?" and it's true, all females should be thought of that way, whether they are 8, 18, 38 or 88, whether they are scholars, actresses, classy or beaten down by life.... I wish men could grasp the concept as easily....

Just my thoughts for what they're worth.

18/5/05

I'm NOT even going to say it today...one day ahead of myself is better than two days behind. Typos... I bloody hate typos, they are the bane of my existence.. of course second only to math. I seem to find more of them every time I come in here...to the point that sometimes I dread it. But you know what? I think there is some kind of MSN Gremlin (kind of like the Microsoft tour guide and that pooch) who comes in here after we're all asleep and deliberately (with intent and full malice) rearranges letters in some of my words just to make me look like a dick!

And they're really quite crafty becasue they only ever rearrange letters in sentences where the intent is there that the sentence will have bite, thus instead of having bite it looks totally imbecelic..if indeedy there is such a word....and I didn't spell indeed wrong by mistake, I did it with intent and full malice...becasue I can! And oh by the way I know I spell becasue with typos in it and I just don't bother trying to correct it anymore becasue the harder I try not to do that the worse I become. Hell if I become Prime Minister one day (I can never become President becasue I am not American born or bred, therefor I am not facetiously arrogant either....and facetious arrogance seems to be a pre requisute for being merely considered for the top job there,,,in fact more so than where you are born) anyhoo I have gone off subject...if I were to become PM and let's face it, if they landed on the moon then I'm in with a chance...I will decree that becasue is no longer fashionable if you spell it because, people will in fact lose friends and promotions should they insist on spelling it 'because'....Hey they landed on the moon right? It could happen...pigs fly...we all know that! Now I AM being facetiously arrogant! A facetiously arrogant Kiwi, nah that's a contradiction on terms...AND the fact that I'm female makes it absolutely impossible for me to be arrogant, we all know that arrogance is the sole domain of men our menfolk be they American or Kiwi, whatever it is you want to call males. I guess I should scoot before all the death threats arrive!!!!! Anyway it was an American who got me started with the facetiously arrogant line in the first place!!!!!!! Nah, he's really rather a sweet sincere American (who claims to be facetiously arrogant) (and you know I adore you), and I like America and Americans, they got so much more going for them over there than we have on our little hunk of mud in the middle of nowhere....hey I mean they landed on the moon for crying out loud, what did we ever do? We couldn't even get hit by a solitary little piece of American space junk that fell from the sky back in 78, no not even that.........it hit Australia....didn't quite land with the gusto they had intended though, how do I know this? Austraaaaaaaaaalia's still there goils and bowys...geeeeeeve meee tein cobba! Fair suc of the sav mate fair suc of the sav!!!!!!!!! What an ooooooooogie mess...... Auzzie leeeeeeeeengo..eeeeeeeuuuuuuuk! No, I love the Auzzies too, I'm just having a 'bag everyone' day.

I'm just spouting shite again becasue this is my little domain and I can.

17/5/05

Yes I have pinched yet another date. Topic of conversation today? Letter writing.

Have you ever had someone in your past who really wronged you? I mean seriously wronged you to the point where you are carrying around so much garbage from what they did that it actually haunts you a little bit, or maybe it haunts you a lot? I have someone like that. I was talking to a friend of mine and he suggested writing a letter to the person, you know an honest no holds barred type of letter, (the kind where you snarl, spit bark and swear) writing it with every intention of sending it, but not sending it in the end?

Well I did that yesterday, but I did send it, not to the person, but I sent it to my friend. I told him he could do what he wanted with it, delete it, read it whatever. I didn't much care once it was gone, and I erased it from all existence in my computer.

But it felt good to write the letter, oh man did it feel good in the end. But during the process the emotions were incredible, I mean I didn't even realise just how messed up this person had made me feel. I mean it was someone who was very close to me in human biology terms, and someone I should have been able to trust. I felt anger, sadness, bewilderment, frustration, despair, I cried and then I went right back to the top of the list of emotions and started them all over again and on and on it went. I cussed, accused, questioned, ridiculed (sort of) and tormented the person back...isn't that childish? But I really needed to do it. Even if I had been tempted to actually send the letter to the person concerned, it probably would have bounced off anyway and been entirely wasted, becasue the person would have missed the point. Some people are just emotionally untouchable, and that's something I have had to accept in this situation. If I had sent the letter to the person concerned, I would have been left with a feeling of having done something really awful. I mean revenge is all good and well, but the exacter has to be willing to live with the consequences of what it is they've actually exacted from the other person, I could never live with something like that. I'd be guilt ridden forever, and the only thing I would have achieved was to compound the already mixed emotions I have. You have to be YOUR best friend sometimes.

But I felt quite empowered in that I did get to hit the SEND button on it, although I don't know how empowered my friend's going to feel if he ever actually reads it, I sent it with the intent he would simply erase without opening, but human nature is such that it's difficult not to be curious about something like that. I would most certainly read it if the situation was reversed.

But whatever you know, the idea he had was bloody good, it was really good for me and I feel a whole bunch better than I ever had prior to writing the letter. The interesting thing was to see what the things were that I had held onto, and it wasn't the big things really, it was the little seemingly insignificant small things that had tormented me the most.

Also the process really confirmed for me my innocence in what had happened, I was blameless, yes every story has two sides, some say even three, hers, mine and the cold hard truth...but I really was blameless in this...completely. Revenge is all good and well, but I don't know, revenge doesn't really help anyone, I think it simply adds to the already huge pile of wreckage, but that's me. My letter finished on a reconciliatory forgiving note, and I would have had it no other way, and as condescending as that may sound, it's not, it's actually nothing short of miraculous. So anyhoo, that's me and thank goodness for friends like my friend who suggested I do this in the first place.
16/5/05

Yup now I've stolen tomorrows date for today...and I shall continue to steal dates until such time as I tire of the stuff and nonsense that is...well...nonsense.

Sometimes you end up in trouble, I'm talking personally in trouble...like bored being in trouble. I am in touble today, how do I know this for sure? Well I've been patting the Microsoft Dog...I shit you not. I been watching that little dude chewing on his bone. He plays 'hide and go seek' with it, dropping it behind him, and if you say "FETCH" he'll turn around and pick it up again...perhaps that is merely coincidence? Are you serious? No ..of course I'm not serious..but patting the Microsoft Corporation dog is as bad as dating the Microsoft tour guide on your laptop...oh no she's really popped a microchip now!

Well actually the Microsoft tour guide really isn't my type, we kind of had this conversation some time ago when he first popped in to 'show me around' my lap top. He tried to pinch my arse and he kept winking at me and calling me Brenda (that's a Bridget joke...oh never mind!). He's old and crusty and gives the impression of being some kind of potty mad scientist from a bygone era. You'd think Microsoft would have had the nouse to at least make the tour guide a choice thing...for guys you'd have the big boobaged, blond sexy (no brained) Anna Nicole Smith type....OR... for the girls.. the Eric Bana, come, ooh I don't know perhaps..well anyway Eric Bana with the body of ...well I don't know that either..but he'd defiantely be over six foot.... Problem is, the boys would spend far too much time drooling over their tour guide (and being that she's blond and ditsy she probably couldn't find her way from desktop to anywhere else anyway) so one of two things would happen to the guys during their tour...1. they'd never make the tour past desktop...and 2. they'd never make it past desktop.....Oh I'm sorry you want me to justify my logic here..no you want me to quantify my logic...well 1. the guide is too ditsy and 2. their computer would shortcircuit due to excessive moisture due to torrential drool .

So maybe Microsoft knew what they were doing using some crusty old geezer and a stupid dog who only knows how to perform cute cheap tricks...unlike Anna Nicole Smith... her tricks are just cheap...ooh now that was harsh..she's just a wee donkey... oh no now I'm in Shrek-mode...now Shrek, he'd have made an interesting tour guide...or perhaps we could have had Darth...you know you open your computer and this husky sonorous echoey voice says (in TRUE Microsoft corporation style)..."Welcome to the dark side," or if you have a Mac then perhaps Billy boy could get his tech heads to invent a virus impervious to Mac virus scanning/catching software ..where unsuspecting Mac owners (and they'd deserve it too coz Macs suck) open their Mac and Darth appears in a little window to the left saying "Come over to the dark side."

Oh dear I'm being a wickedly bad girl today full of cheap tricks and cheap shots all her own...but alas, I lack the cleavage to truly get away with it...not that there's anything wrong with my cleavage...it's just not excessive...and no I will not be drawn into a full on conversation about the virtues or lack of that my boobage may or may not possess regarding size...oh sod off already!

How sad and empty my life must be if I can spout absolute shite like this off the top of my head!

15/5/05

Okay so it's really only the 14th, but you know what? I'm bound to have a day where I don't add to this silly running record of thought, so that'll kind of even up the fact that I used up the 15th before it got here.

I'm having a day as I write this and I'm sure that by the time tomorrow comes I will have erased everything I'm about to say. Truth, truth, truth...tis a shit of a thing really. Had a dream about an old friend last night, a girl girlfriend, buddy, pal or something.

You know you spend all your life living on hope, (so much so the sense of fatigue is blindingly severe and almost crippling) you know one day I will matter too. Then one day you suddenly realise it's horse shit...you never really mattered, always ever the side issue in the life of others, they can take you or leave you, it's no biggie to them. That's when you truly realise the supurfluous nature or your existance, the supurfluous nature of your presence in life...that drop of water that fell unnoticed into lifes ocean...and we are all supurfluous at one time or another in the life of someone, just some more than others. So you bawl your bloody eyes out, and what for? It doesn't change anything, that's what I hate most, that things never change, life is a bag of shit for some people, and it will always be a bag of shit, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you give of yourself, it doesn't make one iota of difference because you are still a side issue, something people can take or leave, they simply don't care because they have bigger and better things to care about. Trust me, I understand this better than most! And you wonder when it's going to be your turn to be the bigger and better thing that they care about and then you realise the truthful answer to that is, never. Maybe you go through periods of time where you start to wonder if suddenly, magically you finally matter, someone noticed you're actually a breathing, living, feeling entity, but then you are reminded you could be dead for a month and no one would be any the wiser...you just kidded or fooled yourself again...ever the idiot!

So you wake up one day and tell yourself, "I'm not going to put myself out there anymore, I'm not going to stick my neck out and beg people to cut off my head." But then you do it anyway, and like Phil Collins says, "People are funny sometimes becasue they just can't wait to get hurt again."

People. How do you know that you really know someone? I've often asked myself that and the truth of the matter is, well you never really know for sure that you know someone for sure. I had a friend for over six years and I thought I knew her pretty well, but due to a series of horrid happenings (of which I won't go into), it became apparent that I'd never really known her at all, that my friendship with her was wasted, my loyalty to her misguided, and my faith in her misplaced. It's such a bummer when that happens. It's a bummer because I really actually liked her a lot.

I used to wonder about someone who becomes a recluse, you know? You hear about people who just kind of cut themselves off from everything...one famous recluse who comes to mind is Agnetha F, (or was it Annafrid, anyway it's the blond) from the 70s pop group ABBA. I was never an ABBA follower and didn't even really like their music until 1982 (except for 1977 Name of the Game...liked that song at the time, and oddly enouhg that was their last hit). Anyhoo, whatever her name, she went recluse after having been in the public spotlight (intensely) for more than a decade.

Greta Garbo, JD Salinger are two others who reclused, but I'm not sure whether those two woud be recluse in the true sense of the word. Well Garbo died in 1990 so who knows what she would have described it as, and as for JD Salinger...no word from that side of the court either. But Agnetha talked a little about her reclusive state.

Being recluse goes against everything one logically processes about human beings, particularly when you understand that humans are social beings who actually have the 'pack mentality'...but life can also pack some serious punches sometimes too and it can knock people around a bit...and I think that there is truth to the suspected idea that people can become emotionally punch drunk. That's just what I think, doesn't mean I'm right, I suspect that I am probably right though.

So my point? Well I've actually lost my original train of thought, so perhaps there wasn't a point.

14/5/05

I don't agree with the death penalty and I think countries that have it have entirely missed the point! It's been proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that killing killers to teach killers that killing is wrong is a contradiction, one of the biggest contradictions there is.

As if there aren't enough innocent victims already, the law makers want to add to the pile of wreckage, to the body count, to the scars...and killing the killer kind of lets them off the hook easy, I mean they definately will have learned their lesson and won't do that again that's for sure! Killing killers to teach killers that killing is wrong doesn't work anyway, killers have already killed, so point moot, wasted, and those who haven't killed yet, well the lesson's not really intended for them is it, I mean you know is there some kind of target audience for this? Other than killers I mean, and if so, who is it?

I think this world is really messed up man, seriously messed up, and we have learned absolutely nothing from the past. Kids were starving in Africa way back in the 1940s (probably earlier) and if we ain't on top of it by now I would think we would possibly need to examine our philosophy for tackling the problem becasue we're doing something wrong! But you know what, no one really give a toss...we accept milking bears for bile, abortion, slaughtering whales for our own greed...we suck big time...some of the things we do, and of course some of it is out of our control too. We kind of did a McDonalds with our world, over the past decade or so we've just super sized everything...got all bent out of shape over global warming, ozone layers, nuclear war, blah, blah, blah...and while we're busy moaning about ice blocks melting and penguins becoming homeless...little kids in Afirca still starve and people on death row are executed. I don't know, I just think we lost the plot along the way somewhere and I seriously doubt we'll ever find it again.

13/5/05

I only called this a blog becasue I don't know what else to call it, it's actually probably more of a diary and since no one comes in here I can say what the hell I like.

I'm sitting here listening to Phil Collins who is so astute at being succinct that it makes me want to vomit...but he's so good at what he does I can't vomit, I can only be envious! Envious, such a callous and crass word, really, envious is like saying fuck fuck fuck...it's the same crap. Really when you boil it all down, neither are nice!

Have you ever felt like you're just not quite there...you know, sometimes you almost get there, but then you realise you are no closer to there than you were when you started? And where the hell is 'there' anyway? I mean we race through this life striving, but have you ever stopped to analyse what it is you are striving after and what you're going to do once you get 'there'? Hmmmm...very interesting question.

I know where my 'there' is, but I know I will never get there becasue I always miss the bus, and the times I have made it onto the bus, five minutes into it I found myself saying, "Oops, wrong bus!"

I don't know why I'm writing this, so if you want to be uplifted and inspired, you're seriously on the WRONG PAGE! Why am I talking to no one? Okay, so that would make this a diary wouldn't it, and how kitsch is that? Keeping a diary...oh Anne and Alice would be soooooooooooo chuffed.....not! The whole idea of keeping a diary is Hogarthian, except 70s Hogarthian, which makes it a contradiction in terms really

1697 - 1764...the lifespan of one of the most tacky painters...almost as tacky as Picasso...yeah gosh darn it, this is MY page and if I want to call Picasso 'tacky' and 'Hogarthian' well I will. If you want to see REAL paintings, check out Van Gogh and Arcimboldo... those two dudes knew how to paint. Same with literature, Emily Bronte, now SHE knew how to write, and I appreciate authors, I really do becasue they put their soul into a book, send it out there and basically open themselves up for scrutiny, ridicule and indulgence. Rather brave wouldn't you say? Oh that's right, there's no one here but me, so yeah I say they're brave, which kind of makes any point I make here moot seeing as how no one is here. I'm talking to myself...well worse things happen at sea.

Authors, (even budding suckville author's like me) put themselves out there, onto pages, and who knows maybe some of us authors will end up on some BAG bonfire becasue we're supposedly..."Evil"...."Spiritually Blind"..."Lost"...Dealin' with the Devil"...what a load of struff and nonsense! Well that's not going to be a problem for me becasue it is becoming ever apparent I cannot write! Ha, so there, take that!

In the big ocean of life, I am but a drop of water that fell in unnoticed...I don't mind...well maybe I do mind...I actually don't know if I mind or not.

Actually life is strange like that, some days you feel one way and then a few days later you think, why did I even care?

Whatever already!

Piczo