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Monday 31st December
Well, it is the last day of 2007 and what a year it has been. Here in our country we have had new legislation passed banning any smacking of children whatsoever...now, if you smack, you WILL be taken to court and possibly jailed. CYFS will take your kids and you will be publically maligned and thought a child-abuser for the rest of your days. And yet, despite the law change, there have been at least three children murdered by their parents since the law was passed and one languishes in Starship as we speak. So much for laws! As I have always said, law changes only affect law abiding people. Making laws to affect people who don't abide by the law is infantile.
We also saw an Ammendment to the Suppression of Terrorism Act and police tried to charge Tame Iit and a few others under the Act, but it failed miserably and the police were told that they could not use it in that instance. Cool, a small victory for the people.
USA was talking about war in Iran and for quite some time it looked as though they were going to go forward with it. But China, who is a holder of a lot of America's debt, said that if they went into Iran that they would start dumping US stocks and bonds which would have bankrupted the country literally overnight. So, suddenly the idea of war in Iran was dropped and all was quiet for a little while, but then Benazir Bhutto was assassinated and suddenly Pakistan is the new Al Queda nest for devils and Osama terrorists and so it looks as though the US political purse string holding elites will poke their nose further into that country instead. Let's face it, the country is poor, tantamount to almost third world...it will be a walk through the park for the Neo-con fascist bullies! Just for an interesting exercise in "I wonder what they are really up to" look on a map for Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq and see if you can see a pattern emerging...also keeping in mind that factions of the US/global elite fascists (not the general people of the US ot the world) are in thick with Israel and can land planes there too.
I think 2008 will be a year of more serious blood-letting and suffering for those not considered a part of the plan of the global elite. God help us all, for no one else will.
Laterz Sunday 30th December
Benazir Bhutto - Disinformation about her death begins.
The original cause of death, reported on the day by all major media outlets was that she was shot and then hit by shrapnel. As of today's date, the powers that be have denounced the idea that she was killed by either bullet or shrapnel. They now say that she hit her head on the sunroof lever in her car and that is what killed her.
An interesting fact is that absolutely no official autopsy was performed on her body before she was buried on Friday because the officials in Rawalpindi, where the assassination happened, never requested one.
Keep in mind that not requesting an autopsy on her would be akin to Pentagon or Whitehouse officials not requesting one if Hillary Clinton or Guilliani were assassinated.Or perhaps like not performing an autopsy on Bobby Kennedy.
Further to this, it has come to light that police who attended the rally to keep Bhutto safe, abandoned their posts leaving only her personal bodyguards to watch over her.
The U.S.A has been very quick to blame Al Queda for her death, but the further her death is probed into, it becomes more apparent that the Pakistani Intelligence Service, ISI, the military or even forces loyal to the current president, Pervez Musharraf, may have had a hand in what happened to her. It was almost a foregone conclusion that Bhutto would win the coming election almost hands down.
It is also very interesting to note that the assassination happened in the garrison city, Rawalpindi, that houses the Pakistani military HQ. You could liken it to, say, President Bush being assassinated beside the Pentagon.
Most of this information can be perused at the following link:
http://prisonplanet.com/articles/291207abandoned.htm
Saturday 29th December
Well, it seems that the question of why the war in Iran has been dropped like a hot-cake lies in Pakistan.
Not very original and blatantly obvious. Now that Bhutto is dead, having been assassinated a few days ago, they are now claiming that Pakistan is the new evil dangerous nation about to spourn armageddon. Apparently, also new home to Osama bin-Laden. Last I heard, he was supposed to be residing in Iran or something, seems Osama can get around the world at a whim, totally unnoticed carring his bad cam-corder, rag tag band and dialysis machine in tow. These people seriously make me sick!
"The death of Pakistani opposition leader Benazir Bhutto has left the US lacking in options for dealing with the tumultuous, nuclear-armed, militant-rich nation and has raised the possibility that the country's weapons will fall into the wrong hands, leading to a possible apocalypse, a foreign policy expert tells RAW STORY...Clemons said Bhutto's assassination could cause the "Doomsday Clock" to tick forward. The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists maintains the clock, which depicts how close the world is to midnight, representing a nuclear catastrophe. At the beginning of this year, the clock was set at 11:55 p.m." Prisonplanet news article.
Also noteworthy is that Bhutto had an interview where she spoke of Osama bin-Laden being dead, as though it was common knowledge. (That video is available on YouTube, just type in the words "Bhutto dead". The interesting thing is that the man conducting the interview with her did not even pick up on what she had said, as though it were old news and of little or no significance. Any Western newsreporter would have grabbed it and really run with it. It was very odd.
So, according to more recent news, seems that George Bush and his minions will be putting their eyes on that country instead of Iran...for now. It will be interesting to see what happens next.
Oh, by the way, MySpace sent me a warning email about me representing myself as 99 years old, basically saying I was endangering their younger users. They looked at my photo and aged me at around 35. Was interesting...how is my representing my age as 99 dangerous to younger users? How many younger users would even bother with someone who is 99?
Laterz
Sunday 16th December
Dan Fogelberg died today, but for me it was the 17th December. We are a day ahead of the U.S.A, but the official time of death is USA time, not GMT. Also, it is winter there, cold and bleak to boot. Yet here, he has died at the start of the months of summer, full moons, starry nights and warm days. It was a full moon here the day I heard he died.
Anyway, I liked his music but never really knew much about the man at all. I never really read up on him or anything, he was just a man who made music that I really appreciated and that fits to certain picture frames of my life. My persona l fave would be "Wisteria".
Okay, so I sigh, lament his passing and move along knowing that his contributions to this world have come to an end.
Laterz Sunday 25th November
Sky, Trojan blue.
Giant glass windows.
Lily white lace.
Spartan red flower.
Jade leaves on trees.
Burning sun.
Green, tortured emerald.
Earth and water.
Sparkling colours so beautiful.
Sublime.
Memories float.
Light stumbles on Arbour.
Where did it get lost?
Life passes by.
Such a fine thing. Never say die.
Things held onto.
Sand slips through fingers.
Things longed for. Never seen.
He.
Elusive.
Invisible.
Gone.
Paper dreams.
Words scrawled from haunting scenes.
Things of dreams.
Crimson hope of life.
Beyond life.
Hoping it wasn't a lie.
If it was. What's next?
What can possibly follow that lie?
A tale to clear a foggy mind?
One who views yet never sees.
One who listens but never hears.
Deaf to truth.
Blind to justice
He will never dream.
He pulls the shades.
Lies on dead and daunting shore.
Skeleton obscene.
His words. No meaning.
Says farewell.
Goodbye.
(Sentimental bullshit.)
Laterz
Sunday 4th November
Immunising Children with Poisons
It is not just in the third world countries that the mass vaccinations program of the Neo cons have been undertaken, but they have even been pulling some of their vaccination stunts right here in good old New Zealand.
Back in 2002, I moved to a little township area called Takanini. It is in the North Island and a part of Manukau City, which falls under the broad area of Auckland. What you are about to read here, if you are a New Zealander, with a child who was under the age of 21 in 2003, and if you had them vaccinated with the MeBNZ vaccine, is going to be heartbreakingly upsetting. Again, just as I stated in my aerial spraying post, New Zealand is not free from the terrible biotechnological war that is being fought in America, in the Neo con's game of population reduction. That war is being fought right here in "Aotearoa" the "Land of the Long White Cloud."
For your own sakes, read this article and LEARN FROM IT!
My daughter attended a school called Takanini School on Takanini School Rd, in Takanini. Shortly after starting this school, a form was sent home telling us that our children had been chosen to be the very first to receive a brand new vaccination that would protect them from Meningitis. They would be given the vaccinations in three doses via injections. Blood would be drawn from the children to test how effective the vaccination would be. First of all Takanini is in South Auckland.
The majority of South Auckland is a very multi-cultural area and in the poorest parts, you find schools that are known as decile 1-4 schools. Schools here are given a decile number and that number reflects the socio-economic status of the people living in the area. Decile numbers run from 1-10, 1 being the lowest number, reflecting a very poor socio-economic area and 10 reflecting a very high socio-economic area.
This school was a decile 2.
A lot of the parents whose children attended this school were not very educated and many of them were ESL...which means "English Second Language". Most of them probably could not have read all the information on the pamphlet, let alone understood it. What they did was they tested this vaccination on the children in the school while the vaccination was in "first phase of roll out".
Most people would have been hard pressed to see any significance in what first phase of roll out is. You see, when a vaccination is in first phase of roll out, they still do not even know if it is safe to be used on humans, nor what the affects of the vaccination might be upon the subjects it is injected into. That was why they were drawing blood off the children, to see if the medication was messing with anything in their blood, and to see if the anti-bodies against the disease were being enhanced by the vaccine.
They announced the trial to be a success (even though later on, children, even those who had had the vaccination, continued to die from meningitis). Based on the studies, (using only seven days of follow up in the trial group, which is almost unheard of,) they devised a campaign to use the vaccinations nationwide.
They made a whole series of advertisements for TV and posters for almost any public place that you would venture, in order to press their point. Their goal? Every New Zealander 20 years and under would be vaccinated against meningitis. They made the ads using children who had had meningitis, to confront people with the effects of the terrible illness. The way they formatted their ads, they attempted to make parents feel like they were absolute idiots if they did not vaccinate their children against this disease.
For the record, I refused, in no uncertain terms, to allow my child to be used in their little lab as a lab rat. My daughter was one of only two children in the school who were NOT vaccinated with this meningitis vaccination as part of the trial group. I was suspicious, very suspicious and having read up about what had happened with mass vaccinations in third world countries, there was no way that they were going to be putting their poison into my child.
Now for some cold, harsh facts about this vaccination:
The company "Chiron" developed this vaccination specifically for New Zealand, no one else. Further research showed this...The vaccine MeNZB-- is manufactured in Italy by the transnational biotechnology corporation "Chiron".
At the time, the Government and some health authorities tried to say that we were having an epidemic, which was a lie. The rates for meningitis strain B had increased in previous years, but before the trial was even introduced, the rates had already fallen substantially.
I am not detracting from the seriousness of the disease, nor making light of those who did die from it, but 26 people out of four million in one year, is hardly an 'epidemic'. (According to Statistics New Zealand, that is how many had died of the disease in that year, although those numbers were never presented to the general public. No specific number was given; we were simply told that there was an 'epidemic'.)
The numbers speak for themselves:
In 1997 (from all strains of meningococcal bacteria) there were 613 cases; 1998 had 440; 1999, 504; 2000, 480; 2001, 650; 2002, 555 ;2003, 549; 2004, 303. This was the lowest case load since 1994. Mortality (from all strains of meningococcal bacteria) has fallen even more steeply. The average yearly number of deaths has been about 17. However, since 2001 with 26 deaths, the worst on record, the death toll has steadily fallen; reaching 18 deaths in 2002, (Keep in mind, there had been no vaccinations given by that time. So it is clear to see that the cycle of meningitis, of all strains, was dying a natural death.)
First Phase of Roll Out = vaccine continues to be ASSESSED in TARGET population for SAFETY and its effectiveness to protect against the disease. Think about that for a few seconds and then apply it to your children. Would that make you feel all warm, fuzzy and safe about allowing your child to be jabbed with a chemical that they don't even know is safe yet?
One person suggested that 'for safety' might mean that 'for safety's sake, they are only trialling the vaccine in a target population, heaven forbid something goes wrong.' My reply? "Um, okay, well next time they want to trial some poison on a small scale, then for the safety of the rest of our kids, why don't you let them trial it on your kid first?"
A man by the name of Rob Law, a patriotic New Zealander who had nothing to gain by coming out, came out and warned people about the potential dangers of the vaccine. He was labelled an 'idiot' and 'irresponsible'. They accused him of fear mongering and being a tin foil hat wearing deluded moron. Thing, Rob was right in what he said, and all evidence since that day seems to fall in line with what Rob said, not anyone else.
Most notably screaming and yelling about Rob Law, was a seemingly harmless sensible woman...until I researched her "Jane O'Hallahan" and found that she worked for the good old Department of Health! (NB I heard that she is now heading the campaign to get young girls immunised against the virus that is said to cause several types of cervical cancer. What a surprise!)
The campaign targeted 1.15 million people...all aged 20 and under...that's a huge slice of the pie, when you consider this country's population is only 4 million.
The budget allowed for the campaign to target the 1.15 million people was NZ $200 million. Yes, do the math on that per person in the target group.
The vaccine had provisional licensure in this country under section 23 of the Medicines Act. Section 23 is for experimental medicines/vaccines only. This means it hadn't met all safety requirements.
After First Phase of Roll out, full licensure is only granted for mass medication under Section 21. In other words, the mass campaign IS the REAL test.
Jane O'Hallahan's statement that "the vaccine had been deemed completely safe", was completely at variance with the hard facts: namely that the vaccine's safety and efficacy were in serious doubt among members of the NZ scientific and medical communities.
In fact, Medsafe, the regulatory body charged with looking at safety of medicines in New Zealand refused to grant the MeNZB-- vaccine full licensure.
Why?
Perhaps it was because of the fact that the clinical trials (undertaken at my daughter's school) neglected to use a real placebo (usually an inert substance like a saline solution) for the "control" group. Instead, astonishingly, they used other vaccines. In some cases, the Norwegian "parent" vaccine was used and in others an unlicensed meningococcal C vaccine manufactured by Chiron. (THE PARENTS OF THE CHILDREN IN THE "TRIAL/CONTROL" GROUP WERE NEVER TOLD THAT OTHER VACCINES MIGHT BE USED IN THE TRIAL. I know this because I read the pamphlet and medical release papers sent home from school with my daughter.)
Or perhaps it was because the rudimentary safety trials conducted in New Zealand involved only about 1600 children and active follow-up to monitor any "adverse events" was only 7 days.
http://uncensored.co.nz/archives/2005/09/01/the-menzb-campaign-of-fear-a-200m-scandal/
Usually with all vaccines being tested, "phase three" is the time where a vaccine is deemed safe to be used en masse...PHASE THREE IS USUALLY NOT ACHIEVED UNTIL SEVERAL YEARS HAVE PASSED AND THE "CONTROL" GROUP HAS BEEN SEEN TO HAVE SUFFERED NO LONG TERM SIDE EFFECTS AND/OR HAS NOT SUCCUMBED TO THE DISEASE THE VACCINE IS TRYING TO PREVENT.
The death rate due to Meningitis Strain B did not even make it into the top ten causes of death in New Zealanders aged 24 and under. It NEVER has. So much for the epidemic!
A group called "Novartis" undertook the study of the vaccine in New Zealand...they are known as one of the top five Gene Giants in the world.
What is a Gene Giant?
The top five Gene Giants (AstaZeneca, DuPont, Monsanto, Novartis, Aventis) account for nearly two-thirds of the global pesticide market (60%), almost one-quarter (23%) of the commercial seed market, and virtually 100% of the transgenic (genetically engineered) seed market. "The Gene Giants' portfolio extends far beyond plant breeding,"
explains Pat Mooney, Executive Director of RAFI. "From plants, to animals, to human genetic material, they are fast becoming monopoly monarchs over all the life kingdoms." (wherever you see the name "DuPont" pop up, you need to start getting nervous...Google the name "DuPont")
http://www.ghorganics.com/SeedIndustryGiants.htm
Ps...Novartis owns 42% of Chiron, so how the heck can their analysis of the vaccine, MeBNZ, (that a company they own 42% of, Chiron,) been neutral and unbiased? How could a biased basis for analysis have been in the interests of fair play, or undertaken with the best interests of the people vaccinated in mind?
Side bar: Novartis owns what is called a "Terminator Patent", which is Terminator Technology.
What is that?
It is the producing of hybridised seeds. Hybridised seeds that are sterile, in other words, they cannot germinate thus you cannot grow anything from the seeds in any plant grown from a seed created by terminator technology. That way everyone (including farmers) has to go back to the seed company to buy seed to plant new crops. They also control seed distribution. In New Zealand way back in the late 1970s early 1980s this technology was already being put to use.
"Warning", 1980, by Barry Smith
"Final Notice", 1989 by Barry Smith
Why would a company that owns Terminator Patents for Terminator Technology be also involved in clinical trials of a vaccination? Remember, they are one of the five "Gene Giants".
More about Chiron, the makers of MeBNZ
(Chiron made the Bird Flu medications.)
They are also owned, in part, by Bayer Pharmaceuticals.
Who is Bayer? (for those who do not know)
Pay close attention here please. A company named IG Farben in Germany was responsible for funding and benefiting from experiments performed upon unwilling human beings in the death camps during World War 2. They funded a doctor by the name of "Josef Mengele" who had a particular fetish for experimenting upon twins, especially identical twins. In some of his experiments he surgically sewed twins together to see what would happen and he noted their gruesome slow deaths due to gangrene. He often castrated one of a male twin set while the child was awake, just to see what would happen and how the changes varied from his "control subject", the other identical twin. He also removed limbs while children were awake and bent their limbs on unnatural angles just to see how far they would bend until they broke. Almost always, the children were wide awake during these experiments. He gave the children sweets and toys and the children were made to call him "Uncle". As a final insult to the lives that he abused, he danced and played a game called "Off to the chimney stack" with the children still able to walk, as they were taken to the gas chamber.
http://history1900s.about.com/od/auschwitz/a/mengeletwins.htm
They are the nicer things that Josef Mengele did to children, all with the funding and, with the full knowledge, of IG Farben, the German Pharmaceutical company.
What in the world does this have to do with Bayer?
At the Nuremburg Trials, after the War, IG Farben was dissolved and turned into...wait for it...BAYER! And once the war was swept under the Neo con carpet, BAYER once again became a part of IG FARBEN, who had arisen from the ashes of ruination like the proverbial phoenix!
(Chiron is owned, in part by Bayer, who, during the war funded experiments upon helpless defenceless men, women and children, so do not try to tell me that they are beyond messing around with vaccinations to experiment upon a control group, and let us face it, an isolated nation of only four million people is about as 'laboratory'& 'control group' as you can get).
Since the use of this vaccine in New Zealand, there have been thirteen unexplained deaths linked to the vaccine. I know, hardly an epidemic, but still great cause for concern when it is directly linked to a vaccine.
Norway was going to use the vaccine in their country, in much the same way as New Zealand did, but they publicly denounced it, citing the vaccine as "too dangerous to be used."
Monday 13th November, 2006 Chiron publicly announced that it dumped the Meningitis vaccination made for New Zealand aka "MeBNZ".
The "Be Wise Get Immunised" campaign died a very quiet and mysterious death and rarely do you see the posters anywhere nor even hear about cases of Meningitis causing death. Whereas, around the time of the trials, and right up to about two or three years before the trials, every single death due to meningitis made the national news. Yes, THE NATIONAL NEWS!
The "Be Wise Immunise" has been replaced with a campaign that goes, "Come on guys, get fire wise" teaching adults not to leave matches around where kids can't get 'em. Why matches? Because we do not have the right to bear arms here, thus we do not need gun safety campaigns!
Why? Why would the Government do this?
So one must then ask themselves, why did the Government run a scare mongering campaign, which was propaganda, in order to scare parents into allowing 1.5 million people, the entire population of New Zeeland aged 20 and under, into getting a vaccine for a disease that was never an epidemic and did not even rate a mention on the top ten causes of death in New Zealanders aged 24 and under, during first phase of roll out?
Why?
Why would they do that?
In a country heavily influenced by NWO policies, reasons come aplenty, up to and including mass potential sterilisation of a target population, or introduction of a disease still in an incubative state that will strike years from now and potentially wipe 1.5 million people from our land.
Think I am scare-mongering? Go watch END GAME in YouTube and see for yourself what the NWO, WHO and all the other Neo con cronies have been up to.
Currently in New Zealand, just as in America, there is a huge push to get every girl aged between nine and fifteen immunised against the Papaloma virus, which causes certain types of cervical cancer.
This is not the first time that New Zealand has been involved in highly unethical immunisations of target groups within the population. Back in the 1980s/early 1990s there was the Hep B vaccinations campaign. There was much controversy about those immunisations too. Again, I did NOT allow my children to be vaccinated against HepB, and I was not vaccinated against it either, due to pregnancy. I was offered it, but declined.
Fortunately my mother was very negligent, when it came to having her own children correctly vaccinated and thus, I missed out on a lot of the early childhood vaccinations.
Unfortunately, I was not aware of the controversy surrounding the vaccinations in the first five years of a child's life and all of my children did get their first five years worth, minus the Hep B. Fortunately, my youngest child could not be completely vaccinated due to other health issues, but if I had my time over again. NONE of my children would EVER have had a vaccination for ANYTHING!
My final warning on this particular subject? NEVER, NEVER, NEVER allow your child or yourself to be given ANY immunisations WHATSOEVER!
And...
DO NOT JUST BLINDLY TRUST YOUR GOVERNMENT. THEY DO NOT ALWAYS ACT IN YOUR BEST INTERESTS!
Saturday 27th October
This seems such a simple little write-up, but the further you get into it, it becomes a frightening story with horrific potential consequences. After writing this, I have decided that Helen Clarke should be renamed "Chemical Ali".
Spray Used in New Zealand to Eradicate Spotted/Brown/Green Apple Moth
The New Zealand Government, despite public pressure, never released the name of the chemical spray used to kill this moth, 'accidentally' introduced to New Zealand via Australia.
However, extensive research has allowed me to find the chemical name, and it is the same one that has been used in America to rid themselves of the same 'pest'.
The spray is called CheckMate LBAM-F.
CheckMate seems an odd name to give a spray, but I will get back to that later, if I actually remember to.
The general public was told, when they protested against the spraying, that the chemicals were perfectly harmless and would only affect the spotted/brown/green apple moth. Oh, just to clear up the names used for this moth, apparently this so called moth is known by three different names, but it is the SAME moth.
If the chemical was so harmless to humans, then why was the Government absolutely fixed about never releasing the name of the spray? Read on.
Following link documents New Zealand Government's assertions that spray is safe and also documents their refusal to release the name of the spray used.
http://www.greens.org.nz/searchdocs/PR6184.html
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The following is not a reproduction of anyone else's work. The following is based upon my own strenuous research, which I spent hours undertaking. You may make what you want of it and the conclusions drawn, unless stated otherwise, are the author's, the author being me. I will try to include the references as I go.
The following link explains the different names of the moth.
Sources of the name discrepancies also come from Alex Jones Show, 28th Oct, 2007.
Breakdown of CheckMate LBAM-F (manufactured by Suterra LLC)
Butylated hydroxytoluene: Is an organic compound formula is MeC6H2(CMe)20H(Me=Methyl)
It takes the form of white crystals or crystalline powder. It is insoluble in water. Melting point 71c
Boiling Point 265c
It is used in food as a chemical antioxidant. It is also used in cosmetics, medications, plastic, elastomers, petroleum, waxes, greases and lubes.
All organic chemicals bear a European Hazard Symbol. Butylated hydroxytoluene bears the symbol Xn.
What does Xn mean on the European Hazard Symbol Chart?
The 'n' stands for the French word 'nocif' in English this word means 'noxious'.
What does the word 'noxious' mean, for those of us who might not quite understand it in its entirety? According to the free dictionary-
NOXIOUS = injurious to physical or mental health
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/noxious
According to the Merriam Online Dictionary-
NOXIOUS = Middle English noxius, from Latin, from noxa harm; akin to Latin noc--re to harm, nec-, nex violent death, Greek nekros dead body. Or in simple terms: physically harmful or destructive to living beings
http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/noxious
Now that we have that out of the way, what does the 'X' in 'Xn' stand for?
X = irritative
Next Ingredient in CheckMate LBAM-F
Polyvinyl Alcohol:
It is a white and water soluble, high molecular compound. It is not water soluble in ordinary organic solvents. It takes the form of white flakes and, when mixed as Polyvinyl Alcohol Slime, has excellent tensile stress (is the stress state leading to expansion; that is, the tensile stress may be increased until the reach of tensile strength namely the limit state of stress. units for tensile stress are newtons per square meter (N/m², also called pascals, Pa). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tensile_stress).
It also has mouldability, wear resistance, impact strength and excellent electrical insulation. Polyvinyl Alcohol is also used in coating materials and adhesives.
Potential health hazards of this chemical:
It has a poisonous vapour which causes eye, skin and respiratory tract irritation. It can be absorbed through the skin and can harm the central nervous system.If ingested orally or inhaled it can cause central nervousness depression, gastrointestinal irritation, nausea, dizziness, heartburn-like symptoms, narcotic effect, pulmonary edema, vomiting and diarrhea. http://www.2spi.com/catalog/msds/msds02463.html
Read the page in the above link from top to bottom, it is unbelievable!
(Ask yourself something here, how do they know that these are the side effects in humans? Ask yourself, what person was mad enough to ingest this stuff so that they could know for absolute certain what the effects would be?)
(But this spray is perfectly harmless, remember? The New Zealand Government said so…they should all be lined up against a wall and shot because I have hardly even gotten started yet)
Polyvinyl Alcohol has the same hazard code as Butylated hydroxytoluene – Xn
Third ingredient in CheckMate LBAM-F – Tricaprylyl Methyl Ammonium Chloride -
It is dangerous to the environment.
Harmful when swallowed.
Can cause serious eye damage.
It is a skin irritant.
Is toxic to the acquatic environment.
It is advised not to release this chemical in the environment and the material is usually disposed of as hazardous waste.
It has the same hazard code as Polyvinyl Alcohol and Butylated Hydroxytoluene – Xn.
Fourth chemical in CheckMate LBAM- F Sodium Phosphate –
Also called monobasic sodium phosphate. a white, crystalline, slightly hygroscopic, water-soluble powder, NaH2PO4, used chiefly in dyeing and in electroplating.
Also called dibasic sodium phosphate, disodium phosphate. a water-soluble compound that in its anhydrous form, Na2HPO4, occurring as a white, crystalline, hygroscopic powder, is used chiefly in the manufacture of ceramic glazes, enamels, baking powder, and cheeses, and that in its hydrated form, Na2HPO4·xH2O, occurring as clear colorless crystals, is used chiefly in the manufacture of dyes, fertilizers, detergents, and pharmaceuticals.
Also called tribasic sodium phosphate, trisodium phosphate, TSP. a colorless water-soluble compound, Na3PO4·12H2O, occurring as crystals: used chiefly in the manufacture of water-softening agents, detergents, paper, and textiles.
http://www.infoplease.com/ipd/A0660574.html
Sodium biphosphate and sodium phosphate is used to treat constipation and to clean the bowel before surgery, x-rays, endoscopy, or other intestinal procedures. Sodium biphosphate and sodium phosphate enemas are also used for general care after surgery and to help relieve impacted bowels.
Sodium biphosphate and sodium phosphate may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide.
Sodium Phosphate has the same hazard code as Polyvinyl Alcohol, Butylated Hydroxytoluene and Tricaprylyl Methyl Ammonium Chloride – Xn.
So far, the most interesting recurring theme I see in most of these chemicals is the Government telling us that they are perfectly safe, the medical community using some of them as if they are safe and yet when people are merely handling these chemicals or disposing of them, they are described as "hazardous waste" and those handling them must wear the correct protective gear. So which is it? Are they safe or not? You make up your own mind, but I know what I think!
So that is your harmless CheckMate LBAM-F spray used to eradicate the Spotted/ Brown/Green Apple Moth.
Further to this (and this is where it gets completely scary) all organic chemicals not only have individual hazard codes, but they are registered on the Beilstein Registry and each organic chemical has a number on this registry
i.e the number for Tricaprylyl Methyl Ammonium Chloride is 4039255.
I had never even heard of the Beilstein Registry before and figured that it must be a German in origin and sure enough it is.
Beilstein Registry
It is a major structure and factual database in organic chemistry. The database is in both English and German. The producer is Beilstein GmbH. The copyright holder is Beilstein Institut Forderung der Chemischen Wissenschaften and is licensed to Beilstein GmbH and MDL Information Systems GmbH.
Sounds pretty harmless so far doesn't it?
Now, in all registries, no matter what they are, the citations are usually owned by someone. Citations are the bases from which the information came. In the case of the Beilsein Registry, the citations are owned by Walter E. Helmke.
Still German in origins right?
WRONG!
That is what I thought, but I could not have been more wrong if I tried.
Walter E. Helmke is a library in Indian – Purdue University in Fort Wayne…in the U.S.A
So, who was Walter E. Helmke?
He served as Allen County Prosecutor and was the Allen County Republican County Chairman. He was a leading candidate for Republican Governor of Indiana in 1948. He attended Yale University and was a member of Skull & Bones.
His grandson, Walter Paul Helmke attended Yale at the same time as Bill Clinton, is a Bonesman and still a very close friend of Hillary and Bill Clinton and has openly opposed the Bush Administration. I think that is a bit of a red herring though, pro Hillary and Bill is the same as Bush, the agendas are born out of the same group, the Trilateral Commission, Council on Foreign Relations, Bilderburg Group, Bohemian Grove etc, which these people have attended, at times, contravening the Logan Act. But this is beside the point.
The question one must ask, at this stage, is why does a library, named after a man whom, himself, as well as his sons, have very close ties, extremely close ties actually, to major players in the NWO movement? What interest would they have in owning citations of an organic chemical registry?
Read on because it will become clearer why these names have close ties to people who have openly admitted that part of their agenda is the reduction of the human population. Don't believe me? Go to YouTube and watch the video entitled "End Game". Watch it and then come back and re-read this and see if it does not all become very crystal clear to you.
Walter Paul Helmke has a brother named Mark Helmke.
Mark Helmke served as Press Secretary to U.S. Senator Richard Lugar, as a Washington Lobbyist and as a staff member of the U.S Senate Foreign Relations Committee. (Richard Lugar wants to "rewrite" America's farm program…that includes the use of pest control sprays amongst a whole host of other things) Remember, the Walter E. Helmke Library owns the citations on the Beilstein Registry, which is where all organic chemicals are noted, given numbers and all info pertaining to these chemicals is supposedly found. Walter E. Helmke's grandson Mark Helmke worked for (and still does, so I read somewhere [lost the reference to this] Richard Lugar, who wants to totally rewrite America's farm program. Mark Helmke is also pro Bush, which makes him pro the agenda that Hillary Clinton will also follow, as the major players behind the Government do not change, this is by design, not by accident or happy coincidence.)
Now this is where you really need to concentrate on what is being said. The Helmke family founded a Law Practice called Kelly Swofford Roy Helmke. It is also a Public Relations company.
A group called COMPASS is also run from the very same office.
COMPASS – Committee to Preserve American Security.
Kelly Swofford Roy Helmke also represents Colombia's President Ernesto Samper.
http://research.greenpeaceusa.org/?a=view&d=4199
Mark Helmke is pro Bush and Walter Paul Helmke is pro Clinton. But this is six of one and half a dozen of the other. The people behind Bush and Clinto all come from the same place. All have origins in Skull & Bones, Trillateral Commission, Council on Foreign Relations, Bilderburg Group and many other elitist groups.
Their agendas are exactly the same, so even though you think you exercise choice when you vote in America, your choice is predetermined and it doesn't matter who you vote for, the result is the same.
The elitist group has every reason to want to own the citations to an organic chemical registry, that way they can tell you that something that is potentially fatal is absolutely good for you, Citation owners are the powers who determine what you think about any given chemical and whether you will allow it to be used on you or not. You make your decisions based upon what a bunch of lying smiley spotty faced totalitarian fascist elites tell you.
www.prisonplanet.com
www.infowars.com
www.truthnews.us
Is this beginning to make sense now?
Now, let us investigate the manufacturers of CheckMate LBAM-F.
The company is called Suterra LLC.
This is their company statement, and remember what you have read already about the ingredients in CheckMate LBAM-F, as you read it: "Suterra LLC is a diversified pest control company with an environmental focus that provides products and services to the commercial agriculture market. The company's principal products, unlike most conventional insecticides, are non-toxic to humans and animals, leave no harmful residues, do not contaminate groundwater and do not disrupt beneficial insect populations."
Read it for yourself at he following link.
http://www.suterra.com/about_suterra/
At this point all one is left to conclude is that all must be fair in life and death as it is in love and war, regardless of the possible detriment to human spirit, psyche and physical body.
Even more lies from Suterra LLC regarding their spray. "Suterra LLC is unaware of any local, state or federal regulations which define the active ingredient as hazardous."
http://www.cdms.net/LDat/mp73C000.pdf
All I can assume is that Suterra LLC employs completely illiterate and brain dead pharmacists and chemical analysis specialists.
Who owns Suterra LLC?
This is what came up when I googled the question, "Who owns Suterra LLC?"
"You selected a company for which we offer a level 2 report. This means that this company is part of a corporate hierarchy having between 4 to 10 member companies. In addition to the hierarchy itself, this report contains profile information for all companies in the hierarchy. This profile information varies by individual company, from general company data and names of key personnel to detailed information on outside service firms, competitors, and more."
Googled it and this is what came up: "Steve Hartmeier is president of Suterra LLC, a Bend-based company that ..."
They hide stuff in the weirdest places..read the link below because that is where I found it.
"Steve is currently President of Suterra LLC, which develops, manufactures and markets environmentally friendly pest control products for commercial agriculture and retail markets. Involved in the agrichemical industry for over 25 years, he has held senior managerial and sales positions at Consep, Inc., Pacoast, Inc. and Monsanto. He is a member of the California Plant Health Assoc. and the California Agricultural Production Consultants Association, has worked with the California Weed Conference and is a former board member of the AGR Alumni Corporation."
Now, I googled "lawsuits against Suterra LLC" and there are so many of them that it is not funny. Almost all of them are being undertaken by people who have experienced serious adverse health affects as a direct result of Suterra's sprays, including the spray CheckMate LBAM-F.
Now let us recap:
The New Zealand Government allowed the arial spraying of a chemical known as CheckMate LBAM-F, the chemicals of which are ALL incredibly hazardous to humans and the environment in general, whose citations on the Beilstein Registry are owned by the Walter E.Helmke Library, named after an influential politician, whose grandsons have close ties to both Bush and Clinton administrations, who in turn belong to the most secretive and destructive society Skull & Bones, and who formed a Law and Public Relations firm that represents both Haliburton and COMPASS, both tied in with Dick Cheney Vice President of the U.S.A, who is close friends with our rich elitist totalitarian smiley spotty faced fascist NWO clones on the TC, CFR and BG, who are also closely affiliated with Richard Lugar, who wants to rewrite the farming program in the USA, the chemical in question, CheckMate LBAM-F, made by a company with hundreds of pending and current lawsuits from people harmed by the chemical sprays, and our government told us they were safe? Excuse my old school English, but...
FUCK!
I could go much deeper into this, but I think you must be able to see the ugly picture by now.
Prepare yourselves, for next post I may well just be tempted to post you what I have found out about the Meningococcal Immunisations parents in New Zealand were conned into giving their kids.
The only reason I have not yet shared that write up and research with the public is that many parents will be horrified at what they have actually allowed to be done to their children. I am sorry, but, "the heart of man is deceitful, but above all, desperately wicked."
DON'T YOU EVER MAKE THE MISTAKE OF SIMPLY TRUSTING YOUR GOVERNMENT!
I am sorry to be the one to write this report, but it is absolutely the truth and the general public needs to know. Research it for yourself if you do not believe me.
laterz
Friday 26th October
I have changed.
Have I suddenly gone crazy? No. I have always been crazy.
This is a 'me' session, so you might want to give it a miss.
Most of my life, ever since I can remember, I walked around in this life like I was a ghost. I never knew where I belonged and I never knew what the point of it all was. For so long I walked around like a snivelling, whiney little baby, lost in the dark ,still sucking on the first two fingers of my left hand. Trying to work out what the fuck happened to me and the fuck I was going to endure, undo, rewrite, recreate my past.
Wondering who the hell my mother really was, how the hell she could be so heartless and all those other banal questions a whiney baby lost in the dark sucking on the first two fingers on her left hand does.
Trying to work out how you're meant to honour your father as the bible demands when you don't even know who the hell he is; when all you do know of him is that he is a cold hearted rapist who cares for nothing but his own selfish lust. Trying to imagine him and love him for even the remotest part of me that is in opposition to everything that my mother is, so have concluded must have come from him. Trying to be grateful to him for at least that.
Walking around in the dark sucking on the first two fingers of my left hand trying to figure out how to make it up to her and to honour him??? What the fuck???
You know, I changed!
She is a cold hearted monster. That is her. That is what she is. By choice she walked her path and tried to carve one out for me, but it didn't take. It is her burden and has nothing to do with me and I'm not carrying it any more. I put it down a while ago and what happens to her will happen to her and is totally out of my control and not my respponsibility. Nothing that ever happened to me under her roof was my fault. It had nothing to do with me and is not mine to carry.
As for him, maybe he didn't give me any goodness, perhaps he did, but one thing that is for certain is that I did not turn out to be who I am because of him, rather I turned out as I am despite him. So, his shit is his and her shit is hers, it has absolutely nothing at all to do with me. Truth to tell though, I do live with a few ghosts, but that is okay. I have accepted that I cannot rewrite it or change it, so I live with the ghosts and try to keep them under control as much as possible.
So I am me.
And who the fuck is that?
I am a person who used to care about silly things...mostly, I cared what people thought far too much to ever allow myself to be me. I based my self-worth on what other people said about me. If they said I was incredibly inteligent, then I revelled in that. If they said I was stupid, I would sink to the depths of despair required by one who receives such a negative comment.
I let people puff me up and I let people deflate me and entirely depending upon which it was, I behaved accordingly.
Am I incredibly inteligent? Probably not.
Do I care if I am or if I am not? Not any more.
Am I incredibly stupid? Sometimes.
Do I care? Sometimes, depending entirely upon what I was incredibly stupid about and also whether my incredible stupidity hurt someone else.
The point being, that I cared about all the wrong things. I let all the wrong things define how I felt about me. I let everyone else decide how I felt and I lost sight of me and what I really think.
It doesn't really matter what I thought about things in the past, what matters is what I think of things now. And what I think now I am going to say and the consequences be damned. Not that I intend to go off on a rant and diss people, I'm not. But I will say what I think about things and how I perceive them to be and if people don't like my ideas or opinions, then that is just too damn bad. That's the neat thing about being me. God made me what I am and He loves me just as I am. I cannot be perfect and I am not going to even try to attain the unattainable. I will strive for right, for what is right and good. To the best of my ability I have determined to do that and if it is not popular with people, and I am quite certain that, at times at least, it won't be, but that too, is just too bad.
I spent so much time being what I thought I was supposed to be instead of being who I really am. Viewing everyone else as important, but placing little value on myself. Thinking it was important to make other people happy all the time, thinking only that I should count myself lucky that they had decided to be my friend. I have suddenly realised, to the same measure, that they are very lucky to have me too. That is the balance. That is the new balance that I have discovered, amongst other things.
So, that is the me session done already.
laterz
Tuesday 2nd October
Operation Mockingbird - CIA Media Manipulation
Starting in the early days of the Cold War (late 40's), the CIA began a secret project called Operation Mockingbird, with the intent of buying influence behind the scenes at major media outlets and putting reporters on the CIA payroll, which has proven to be a stunning ongoing success. The CIA effort to recruit American news organizations and journalists to become spies and disseminators of propaganda, was headed up by Frank Wisner, Allen Dulles, Richard Helms, and Philip Graham (publisher of The Washington Post). Wisner had taken Graham under his wing to direct the program code-named Operation Mockingbird and both have presumably committed suicide.
Media assets include ABC, NBC, CBS, Time, Newsweek, Associated Press, United Press International (UPI), Reuters, Hearst Newspapers, Scripps-Howard, Copley News Service, etc. and 400 journalists, who have secretly carried out assignments according to documents on file at CIA headquarters, from intelligence-gathering to serving as go-betweens. The CIA had infiltrated the nation's businesses, media, and universities with tens of thousands of on-call operatives by the 1950's. CIA Director Dulles had staffed the CIA almost exclusively with Ivy League graduates, especially from Yale with figures like George Herbert Walker Bush from the "Skull and Crossbones" Society.
Many people still believe that we have a free press, while getting most of their news from state-controlled television, under the misconception that reporters are meant to serve the public. In New Zealand it is easy to see the 'trickle down effect' of the regurgitation of 'yellow journalism'. Television 3 being one of the worst perpetrators of replicating erroneous one-sided, often half-baked media reports. John Campbell could sit there and threaten to pound your head into the footpath until it is a bloody pulp, but so long as he speaks with that fake, warm, charm filled voice with the right inflections on every second word, you'd not even notice. And although it comes across as warm, friendly and intimate...he's staring right at you, right? HE'S NOT STARING AT YOU, DUMMY...IT'S A TELEPROMPTER!
Robert Parry reported the first breaking stories about Iran-Contra for Associated Press that were largely ignored by the press and congress, then moving to Newsweek he witnessed a retraction of a true story for political reasons. In 'Fooling America: A Talk by Robert Parry' he said, "The people who succeeded and did well were those who didn't stand up, who didn't write the big stories, who looked the other way when history was happening in front of them, and went along either consciously or just by cowardice with the deception of the American people." Never forget that this deception trickles on down to New Zealand...where do you think our news comes from? Often it is CNN, Fox News and BBC.
Major networks are primarily controlled by giant corporations that are obligated by law, to put the profits of their investors ahead of all other considerations which are often in conflict with the practice of responsible journalism. There were around 50 corporations a couple of decades ago, which was considered monopolistic by many and yet today, these companies have become larger and fewer in number as the biggest ones absorb their rivals. This concentration of ownership and power reduces the diversity of media voices, as news falls into the hands of large conglomerates with holdings in many industries that interferes in newsgathering, because of conflicts of interest. Mockingbird was an immense financial undertaking with funds flowing from the CIA largely through the Congress for Cultural Freedom (CCF) founded by Tom Braden with Pat Buchanon of CNN's Crossfire.
Media corporations share members of the board of directors with a variety of other large corporations including banks, investment companies, oil companies, health care, pharmaceutical, and technology companies. Pressure from the IMF, World Bank, and US government to deregulate and privatize, the media, communication, and new technology resulted in a global commercial media system dominated by a small number of super-powerful transnational media corporations (mostly US based), working to advance the cause of global markets and the CIA agenda.
The first tier of the nine giant firms that dominate the world are Time Warner/AOL, Disney/ABC, Bertelsmann, Viacom/CBS, Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation/Fox, General Electric/NBC, Sony, Universal/Seagram, Tele-Communications, Inc. or TCI and AT&T. This is just the head of the octopus which has its second and third tier tentacles working together in unison or feigned division. This would include The Washington Post/Newsweek, The New York Times/Weekly Standard, Tribune Co., US News, Gannett/USA Today, Dow Jones/Wall Street Journal and Washington Times.
This is why we get reports that are inaccurate. For example, it was the American media that stated that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that he wanted to wipe Israel from the map and that the Holocaust never happened. This is NOT what he said at all.
What he said was that he was tired of Israel using the Holocaust to further their own political agenda. Whether we agree with him or not, is not the issue. What the issue is, is that through 'yellow journalism' he has been painted as a monstrous Holocaust denier who wants nothing more than to exterminate the remaining Israelites...yet this is NOT what he said, nor was it even the intent of his words.
Now, and here is the danger of 'yellow journalism', the Neo-con elites desire to use this erroneous information to justify going into Iran. For now, they say to stop them being able to make nuclear weapons...but soon it will be to bring democracy to the downtrodden Iranian people. Now, think about this for a moment, your perception of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been painted by false media reports, and those reports, in turn, influence what it is that you believe, in regard to the elite going into Iran, for whatever reasons they give. Even your ideal of democracy has been tweaked with 'double speak'. They say democracy is freedom, but America does not even reflect much of the idealism of democracy any more. Just look at their Patriot Act and the loss of Posse Comitatus. The very ideals that their forefathers fought for are gone and they will never be regained. Even if democracy was merely the recurring suspicion that more than half the people are right more than half the time, the American government does not even represent half of the people any more. They represent the Neo-con Elite and they do what is best for them, not for the majority of Americans, not even for half of them.
The thing is, think about what democracy has done for Iraq and the civilians there. Iraq is a shining example of how wonderful democracy is, don't you think? If only we could all drive down the road and be fired upon by Blackwater Ops, or by CIA funded insurgents (their role...to make it clear that it is not safe for the troops to leave the Iraqi people yet). If only we could all live in a democracy where while eating your evening meal, your house can be hit by mortar fire and your children blown up right in front of your face. That is the democracy that has been bestowed upon Iraq, so why wouldn't Iran want democracy? Why is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad so opposed to the idea of foreign troops coming into his country to fix all that he has done wrong? Why would he threaten to fight fire with fire? The Neo-con elite only want to help the Iranian people, just as they have helped the Iraqis. Okay let's cut the crap!
Think about what America has done to Iran. 1953 they went in and installed the Shah...they then overthrew the Goverment and installed Mosadeck(sp), whom they wanted to rule that country. But then Mosadeck decided that he would nationalise the Bristish owned oilfields, so they decided to reinstall the Shah, 1973. The Americans also helped to devise the Iranian Secret Police, under the Shah. In 1979 the Iranian people rose up against the Shah and America. Yes Iran committed acts of terror, but not because America was rich and they wanted what she had, that is one of the BIGGEST lies ever told...aside from, "Osama did it," it was blowback. It was cause and effect. It wasn't right, it wasn't good, I don't agree with it, but it was blowback...the natural order of things. You punch someone on the nose enough times, then sooner or later they are going to hit you back. One of the minority of Americans with any kind of political influence who understands what is going on is Ron Paul. Come on, would you want your Government to sit back and take it? I don't care what you think of internal Iranian politics, that is not the issue here, Iran just happens to be the latest target of the Neo-cons...but WOULD YOU WANT YOUR GOVERNMENT TO SIT BACK WHILE YOUR COUNTRY IS RAPED AND DESTROYED BY A FOREIGN ENTITY? WOULD YOU WANT YOUR COUNTRY TO SIT BACK AND JUST LET THEM DO IT? Of course not, that would be unpatriotic. Iranians are patriotic too and don't you ever forget it. Do not forget it when they are attacked and then fight back. Remember, they have a right to defend themselves from attack, just as we New Zealanders do, just as Americans do. Every living, breathing tribe has the right to defend them and theirs and we do not have the right to sit back and get all offended when they do. Wake up, already, you have been conditioned to think that if an Arab fights back, then he must be a terrorist. But if an American, Australian, Brit or New Zealander fights back, then they are being patriotic. Think about that for a moment.
Yellow Journalism is the reason why we see fake Osama bin Laden tapes and the whole world starts to shake! And yet, the American Government has expressed a disinterest in capturing him...George Bush himself in a press release said that he doesn't even give him much thought. Never mind the fact that Osama bin Laden is a known CIA asset. I mean, come on people and smell the sulphur...CONNED CONNED CONNED! Time and time again you are conned and you don't even see it. Your preceptions of people and situations are shaped just as the people in charge of mainstream media want them to be, so that you will blindly go along with their plans and dance to the beat of their war drums. They teach you to hate what is good, to be suspicious of that which is truth, to believe the half lies and to sanction the elite sticking their noses in where their noses ought not to be. Thank goodness New Zealand is not a hugely oil rich country or else democracy might just be coming to a shore near us real soon.
"The first step in the successful trafficking of the soul, has its origins in the stealing of the intellect; the ability of one to freely think. If you can dumb down the mind, then the stealing of the soul comes easy." S. Connor
Yellow Journalism...google it.
Monday 1st October
The news just seems to get worse. A man by the name of Scott Ritter has said that, without a shadow of a doubt, George Bush is going to attack Iran.
Scott Ritter is an ex-Marine officer. He is also the former UN weapons inspector who said during the build up to the Iraq invasion that Iraq DID NOT have weapons of mass destruction. Ritter was slandered and threatened for expressing this opinion.
He was 100% right, as evident by the eposure of the fact that George Bush and his Neo-con war mongers lied. Ritter was warning Americans as early as 2002 that Bush & Co. were going to invade Iraq. At the time, people thought the very idea was crazy.
He was 100% right. Now Ritter says that the signs are clear: Bush & Co. will attack Iran before Bush's time is up unless they are stopped.
Some facts:
1. Bush already has authorization to order an attack on Iran without asking for approval from Congress. Blanket war powers have already been granted him and unless taken away, he can use them any time on any country.
2. Iran - like Iraq - has no nuclear weapons program. Nuclear ENERGY program? Yes, but that is far from having a nuclear weapons program. In fact, UN inspectors have concludedafter extensive study and investigation there are no nukes in Iran - but this simple fact is NOT being reported by the US new media. Instead the US news media is manufacturing claims that the President of Iran has threatened Israel with annihilation and is supplying Iraqi insurgents with weapons (both false claims.)
3. An attack on Iran will not be without consequences to the US.
Iran has three times the population of Iraq and unlike Iraq which was militarily shattered after Gulf War I and over ten years of sanctions and US bombing, Iran has a fully capable conventionally armed military. In 2006, Hamas - military students of Iran - defeated a full bore attack by Israel in Southern Lebanon. Iran can easily shut down the Straits of Hormuz and stop the flow of oil out of the Middle East.
Oil has recently been as high as $80 per barrel. A Middle East shutdown could skyrocket the price to $250 per barrel or more. Great for Bush's friends in the oil industry. Disastrous for the US economy.
And to top off a really bad day, MT Ruapehu decided to blow a fuse last night and I hope that she is all talk with no substance, or we could be in for a rather interesting time.
(This blog is almost entirely a word by word reprint from a Brasscheck TV posting. ..except for the bit about the volcano. No copyright exists on the work and Brasscheck encourages the reprinting and passing on of all of its articles.)
Thursday 6th September
I cannot believe what the silly neo-con puppeteers above Bush are doing now. As if they have not sacrificed enough innocent American and Iraqi blood in their war in Iraq!
Hannity and Colmes, the shortsighted, brainless, neo-con barons of propaganda are sitting on Fox network (I watch News Hounds because they watch Fox so that I don't have to) preaching the virtues of going into Iran. You could admire their Machiavellian stealth if the potential results were not so terrfyingly, insanely sick and twisted! They are saying that Iran is providing all the funds to kill troops in Iraq and funding Hezbollah and are marching toward nuclear capability. Yes Iran has threatened Israel, but Israel has threatened Iran, difference is that Israel actually possesses the capability to carry out their threats. And as for Iran funding Hezbollah, there is little evidence to substantiate this claim, yet there is plenty of evidence to prove that the CIA funds Hezbollah. America funds the Israeli army, so what is good for the goose has to be good for the gander, sorry, but you cannot eat your cake and have it too, as much as that would be handy! Hannity and Colmes are even stooping so low as to ask why feminisists are not up in arms about Iran and the way that women are treated and yet, when the American Govt was asked to step in on the case of a 16 year old girl being sentenced to death for consorting with a married man, America declined, saying that they had no place in getting involved in Iranian internal politics! Man, these puppeteers make me sick and as for Hannity and Colmes (ex skull and bonesman kiss assers) they should be publically flogged for treason!
And check out Michael A Ledeen's new book that Hannity and Colmes are plugging...it is about Iran...now, check out the facts: He has supported everything from the U.S.-backed Contra wars in Central America during the 1980s to an expansive post-9/11 "war on terror" aimed at reshaping the Middle East. A core representative of the neoconservative political faction, Ledeen calls himself a "democratic revolutionary" and lambastes leftist "reactionaries," who he claims "have lost the right to describe themselves as people of the left" (Larissa Alexandrovna, "Conversation with Machiavelli's Ghost"). I contend that Lariassa should donate her title for Michale's new book, except that hers contains way more class and is, in the least, based on an ounce of truth. The same cannot be said for Michael.
Michael Ledeen has never been to Iran; he speaks no Persian. He has minimal credibility in assessing the Iranian elections, or evaluating the political situation there. He has also repeatedly been accused of having double standards. At the same time he was a consultant to Italian military intelligence on terrorism issues in the late 1970s, Ledeen was allegedly tied to the Italian P2 Masonic Lodge, a violent right-wing group involved in terrorist attacks in Italy in the 1970s and 80s. As a consultant to the National Security Council in the 1980s, Ledeen acted as a go-between for Oliver North in the early stages of the Iran-Contra affair, working with the Israeli spy David Kimche to gain the release of U.S. hostages in Beirut through an Iranian arms dealer, Manucher Ghorbanifar. According to congressional testimony by then-National Security Adviser Robert McFarlane, Ledeen introduced the original Israeli proposal to trade arms for hostages that led to the scandal. And Hannity and Colmes are plugging this guy as an expert on Iran and what should be done about it?
OMGosh!
One thing that people are not aware of is that America was never meant to be a democracy, it was supposed to be a republic. Look up in the dictionary to see the two very different definitions of those two words. The globalist neo-con puppeteers accuse Iran of funding insurgents and yet the leader of Iran is a very close ally of the dare I say 'duly elected' leader of Iraq, so why the heck would he be interested in undermining the peace process there? They accuse Iran of funding the Iraqi insurgents when it has been proved time and time again that they are CIA funded and have nothing to do with Iran?
I could scream, truly I could, but it would do me no good. And here is another piece of confusion for you, if the puppeteers are so pro-Israel, then why were they running into Lebanon and supporting them when Israel struck out at them for taking eight (or was it seven) of their soldiers...which by the way, they never got back? Got to ask yourself some serious questions here, what is REALLY going on?
We knew (my son and myself) that America would go into Iran. We have been saying it since the date 12.11.2001...that was the date here when the twin towers were hit. WE HAVE BEEN SAYING IT SINCE THEN! Now ask yourself, how the hell did they go from Osama bin Laden to Saddma Hussien to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?
Yes Ahmadinejad has denied the Holocaust and yes he has called for the Jewish state to be moved to Canada or Europe and no I do not agree with him on any of those statements. But why, when Americans leaders are so eager to exercise their freedom of speech, are they so quick to deny his? You cannot attack a country for making ignorant bizarre statements about the truth of history!
Again, I DO NOT AGREE WITH HIS STATEMENTS, but I do NOT believe that it is reason enough to go and bomb the hell out of that country too. If we did that to every leader who was outwardly opposed to things that other countries say, then we'd be bombing the hell out of each other endlessly. If the puppeteers want to legitimately go into Iran for the reasons that they say, then best they get proof and I am not talking the kind of cocked up half assed bullshit they tried to pass off as proof for going into Iraq and murdering the leader of that country...yes that same bullshit that was proved to be lies, which the neo-con puppeteers such as Condoleeza Lies, Karl Rogue, Colin Plow ahead blindly, and George Bu-llshit were not 'called on; nor called to apologise for. "We will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, even if we have to put them there ourselves."
It makes me sick, it really does make me sick to see puppeteers trying to, yet again, go into another country under false pretenses and kill innocents just so that they can gain control of an oil rich area. I don't care if you hate me for saying so. It is not the American people at fault, it is the invisible government above the government that stole the election to stay in power for another term so that they could enable the global elitists to march ahead with their plans based in nothing more than murderous greed!
You think that you are informed. You think that you know exactly what is going on, but if the only places you get your news from are within the mainstream media outlets, then you are doomed to remain ill-informed. Mainstream media is owned by about three different people (all neo-cons) and they are all biased in favour of the war mongers, why? Because if they are not then they do not sell. Media outlets in the mainstream feed your mind with propaganda in much the same way as the Nazis fed the Germans on bullshit mind bending lies, mixed with nicities to foster goodwill, and they almost wiped out three generations of innocents as a result. You want to let that happen again? Then keep eating up the bullshit lies of mainstream media, which are designed to dumb down your mind, control your thinking processes and get you to accept that, which would formally have seemed completely abhorrent to your sense of what is decent and honourable. While you have been sitting eating up the diet of mainstream media, you have been a frog in a cold pot of water which the neo-cons have been slowly heating up. HEY, THE WATER IS BOILING, SO MAY I SUGGEST THAT NOW WOULD BE A REALLY GOOD TIME TO JUMP OUT? If Iran declares war then for sure, we need to defend ourselves, but when they are going about their own business without threatening any one else, then leave them alone because that is one sleeping dog that you do not want to poke! And you cannot expect that dog not to bite you in the same fashion as you attack it for supposedly doing. I.e If you attack Iran then I believe that they will reply with equal force, or they may try to shut down their attacker on the first strike. If some other country attacked mine unprovoked, then I would hope that our armed forces would do the same in an effort to protect their people. If the puppeteers go into Iran and start killing more innocents, then woe betides them because dishonour begets dishonour. Again, I do not support the words of Ahmadinejad in regard to Israel and I do not agree with their internal politics on any level, however, no one has the right to go in there, without absolutely solid undeniable proof of wrongdoing in regard to other countries, and kill innocents, NO ONE!
God help us all.
God help the Iranian and Iraqi people, for it seems no one else will.
Laterz
Saturday 25th August
True love is a funny thing, not romantic love that lasts about as long as it takes for reality to set in, but the love that surpasses the trials of reality intact. I think it has existed and yet not in the form that most think it did. I'm not talking Romeo and Juliet or Heathcliff and Catherine. Sure, they may well have had a true love that had its roots in reality, but it was eventually fictionalised to a point where the true subjects of the said love were lost. And truly both loves were ravaged by the imaginations of their authors in the end.
True love that does not exist inside a book, that did not have its origins in reality that was eventually fictionalised, also meet the same disasterous end, if not at the hands of the lovers themselves, at the hands of those around them. Alexandra and Nicky are prime examples of this.
Their love was not fictionalised, it didn't need to be. They truly loved against the odds and they loved deeply, even when everyone around them disapproved. There were times, during their love, that the reality of their love was as beautiful as those secret moments in an afternoon where you see the sun slowly sliding down the sky and birds returning home to their nests. Moments where the sky casts all kinds of colours upon the land, none replicable by the hand of man. Those moments, fleeting yet lasting, deep yet elusive, those moments, nevertheless, live inside true love.
And with all great love stories, be they fictional or real, life seems to have a way of putting pay to them. As with Nicky and Alexandra, it was the changing times and politics that destroyed their love in its earthly form. It was power and corruption that saw the elimination of everything created in their true love for each other. It almost seems a cruel and yet necessary facet to life in this place, for it never seems to end in any other way.
But that true love definitely exists, I am convinced.
Laterz
Saturday 10th August
Disappointment. At what? Perhaps life, perhaps the dreams that came true for everyone else outside of the looking glass. Watching a movie and seeing him seek her out. Didn't really matter who she was, just that he did it. One more try was always going to come around for them, for they live outside of the looking glass.
She can believe in what she believes in and so can he. She doesn't wear a sign and neither does he. Life is an adventure with many bumps and sharp turns, but it will always work out, because they live beyond the looking glass. Faith, belief, hope and anger at many things, sometimes nothing. Each can handle the burdens of the other, the truth, lies, the missing of the marks, which don't happen too often anyway, outside of the looking glass. Being able to say what they mean, for friends are numerous and the absence of one can be a burden easily overlooked, perhaps even ignored. For what is one?
Fitting like a hand in glove, sometimes a left foot in a right shoe, but that too can be risen above. No mountain is too high to climb nor depth of ocean too dark to dive, it doesn't matter beyond the looking glass of the land that is alive.
But silly one like you, look back at you, see through you, beyond you, behind you, around you, yet never within you. For inside of you, in the world of the looking glass, that's where all things are possible. For one such as you, there is no place beyond it.
Laterz
Friday 9th August
I always thought Malcolm X was some kind of Martin Luther King. I was reading some info about him and then decide to watch the movie, Malcolm X and I realised he was nothing like Martin Luther King at all to start with. He pretty much followed a twisted version of racism and spewed hate speeches against white people that pretty much mirrored the KKK hate speeches against black people.
For a long time, Malcolm X was nothing but a twisted racist who took no responsibility for himself or his actions and used the white man as a scape goat, in the same way as the white man used the black man for the same end.
In the end though, he recanted his racist beliefs and became like Martin Luther King, who preached equality and love for all, regardless of colour, ethnicity or creed. Although, I still think he very much indulgd in the blame game and his origins tarnished even the changes that he made. But he tried, so I suppose that is the main thing.
Laterz
Monday 6th August
Oggie went missing about four weeks ago. She went out the window and simply never came back. At first I thought she was probably just over at the neighbours and so I didn't worry too much. After about three days of her being a 'no show' I started to look for her. I went out in the dead of night with a box of biscats trying to coax her to come out from wherever she was. and I listed her as missing with all our local vert and on petsonline. I then progressed to going out late and checking out all the sheds on empty sections, but I still didn't find her.
I have dreamed of her so many times and the latest one was last night. I dreamed that she came up to me at the local garage and was mooching me and stuff, as cats do. In the dream the garage guy told me that she had been living there for weeks. He made me prove that she was my cat before he would allow me to take her and then he demanded that I pay him for takingcare of her. In the dream I investigated how long she had actually been living at the garage and it turned out that she had been there for about four days. I equated four days as the price of one large can of cat food, so intended to buy him one can of catfood or give him the money. Anyway, I then woke up feeling really relieved that Oggie was back, only to realise that it was only a dream.
I have had Oggie since she was born and she was the sole survivor of Domino's first litter. I am not sure when you stop hoping that an animal will return or when you stop imagining all the horrible things that could have happened to the pet. It is hard to let go when you don't know what has become of them and I don't think you ever stop hoping that they will, someday, return. I miss her a lot and I know it sounds stupid because she is only a cat, but she is my cat.
Laterz
Saturday 28th July
Of course I did not forget that the 17th was the 89th year since Tsar Nicolas and his family were killed in Ipative House in Yekaterinburg, I just chose not to say anything.
I heard something today and it brought to mind how we all wander through this life collecting losses...kind of like the gift that life gives that keeps taking. Why did I think of that? Just some stupid old song I heard that took me back a little to some days that are and have been long over for years. But it is funny how small the divide can be between then and now...just a breathing second can take you back there.
I was thinking about my horse Kodi. Yeah, I had a horse calld Kodi. He was chestnut in colour and he had a white blaze down his nose, he was beautiful, but he spooked real easy, which made riding him a total barrel of laughs sometimes. Actually, sometimes it was downright scary. I think, in retrospect, that he probably found me downright scary sometimes too. You see, I used to plait his mane and his tail in many little plaits and I am sure all the other horses used to laugh at him.
When I left that place I missed him and he was the only thing I really said goodbye to when I left. I know that he is not alive any more, and as silly as this sounds, part of me still misses him. I could never be a kid there when I was eleven, no one let me. But when I was riding him I was a kid. When I rode him around the place by myself (and I used to ride for miles) it was just him, me and my dreams. I used to dream all the time. I dreamed about getting away to a place where I could be me and it would be okay. Oddly enough, to this day, I am still searching for that place. I think most people find me, what I am and what I believe quite intolerable at times. Why? Because I don't think inside the square. A lot of other people don;t think inside the square too, yet they seem to possess some special licence that I don't because...never mind. I'm weird I think, weird and past my time, ahead of my time, not really in time, know what I mean? No, perhaps you don't.
Anyway, I was thinking about how we collet losses in our lives. I was thinking about the collateral damage that we all carry around inside ourselves, whether we choose to admit that we do or not. All those losses shape what we are and how we behave to an extent. Anyway, I didn't really have anything else to say.
Laterz
Tuesday 17th July
Britain has expelled all the Russian diplomats, which is a worry, because I heard a while ago that that may well be the first step to Britain and America strategising to go into Iran. Why? Russia sides with Iran anyway and they did make some threat about pointing all their missiles toward any aggressor toward Iran. Iran will obviously come out in support of Russia which may intensify relations between USA and Iran. Basically a case of all four countries having itchy fingers on triggers. Just have to wait and see what happens.
Laterz
Saturday 14th July
Well I have posted two vids on YouTube in the last two days. One was on the NWO and I used Michael Jackson's song 'They don't really care about us.' I posted another about my belief that I think 911 was an inside job. I have thought that since the first time I ever saw the towers collapse...the day it happened, and yet it was not even kosher to voice such a thing back then. My eldest son and I voiced it between ourselves on that day and many times since. On 11/9/2001 (actually 12/9/2001 at our house) we spoke of the Iraq war, as soon as they blamed Osama, we knew they'd go after Hussein. I didn't think they'd kill him though. My son predicted on 12/9/2001 that there would be an invasion of Iran. Still hasn't happened, but they banter the idea about these days in the USA and Britain like its normal. 2001 even the notion of invading Iran would have been considered inconceivable. It is amazing how much the world has changed since then. Why have I waited so long to post a vid about it? I had had occasions where I voiced my opinion on 911, but it has always been met with much hostility. These days though, I don't care about hostility. Everyone has to believe in something and everyone has to decide where they stand. It doesn't mean that someone who agrees on something cannot be friends with someone who doesn't believe the very same thing, to the contrary, most of the art of living peacefully is the ability to agree to disagree and still be friends. I feel the same way about my stance on televangelists who scam people. I get some incredibly hostile messages about those vids, but I don't care. Somewhere at some point in your life you have to draw a line and take a stand and not be swayed by hostility or be pressured by what is popular. Anyway, that's my blurt for the day.
laterz
Friday 13th July
Just when I think I have it all worked out, something invariably happens to prove to me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I did not understand the issue in the first place.
Texted Lloyd while I was at Sylvia Park shopping for plants tonight. Low and behold, he answered and I really didn't think he would. So I am not back at square one, I am actually at 'I don't know anything any more.' Not that that is a bad thing, to the contrary, it is a good thing. Just after what I said in my last post, I wonder of my powers of observation and understanding. Perhaps I just think too much and over analyze things? Probably.
Laterz
Thursday 12th July
I think Lloyd isn't talking to me now. I have texted him twice since Tuesday and he hasn't texted back. Well, on the one hand I should be upset and I am, but on the other hand, I kind of feel a little relieved. Why? Well, if bailing out on the first meeting is all it takes for him to never speak to me again, then it is probably just as well it happens now. I don't know if my friend Wolf comes in and reads this blog or not and I highly suspect he doesn't, but he can attest that knowing me can be a trying experience, rewarding too, but sometimes trying. If Lloyd can bail this early on, then, well, I am not sure really what I am trying to say.
I am tossing up whether to try to explain myself with this Lloyd situation, in light of what I said the other day, but it might seem that I am making a mountain out of a molehill, or maybe I will come off sounding just plain crazy. Okay, I will try to explain it.
I had hoped that he would remember me. I had hoped that maybe I stood out in his mind, but the truth? He didn't even remember telling me about Simon. He knows he must have told me because it was something he never told just anyone. He also explained that he must have been pretty angry to have said it and he told me of another situation where he was mad about Simon dying in comparison to another person who was stressing out about something kind of insane, and which I won't go into. I had always thought he told me because he had cared whether, as a fourteen year old girl, I lived or died. But he didn't. He was angry because his son had been taken and there was a perfectly healthy kid that no one wanted trying to kill herself. I think he was angered by the irony and injustice of the situation and that it may have had little or nothing to do with caring about me at all. I guess a part of me too hoped that he would remember me, seeing as how he went to school with my step-father and had told me that he had. But he didn't remember me at all. He asked for a photo of when I was in care and so I sent one and he did remember seeing me around, but that was it. I guess that I had hoped that he had cared about me beyond me being just a case that came across his desk like all the others, but he didn't.
It is not his fault he doesn't remember me, but it still hurt me somewhere deep inside that the one person who was a constant for five years in my life (when I was aged 10-15) when everything else in my life disappeared didn't even remember me. It felt kind of like a parent forgetting their child, sort of because I don't really know what that is like. Well I suppose I do actually, having never known my father and taking into account the way my own mother erased me.
I guess, in some aspects, I felt erased again.
Lloyd remembered foster parents I lived with and odd snippets of information here and there, but bottom line, I was just another file in a huge pile of many. I suppose it kind of made me feel 'unreal' that someone could be so prominent in my life for what was a long period of time and not remember me. You see, as a kid no one else ever knew me that long so if he could forget me, imagine what it says for all the others. It is almost as though, in some aspects, I wasn't even there. I wasn't real, or valuable enough to be remembered. That's a hard thing to handle and to accept. It told me so many things about me and my life and even about me the kid.
The other thing, and this is going to sound so crazy, but every time it has come time to spend time talking with him or seeing him (and admittedly it has only been twice) he has made reference to spending time with his daughter. When I was going to ring him one night he said that his daughter had arrived and he was spending time with her but that I could call later, which was fine, but it stirred something old, familiar and painful within me. When I was supposed to meet him for coffee he made reference to having to be in the city to meet his daughter by 12.00, we were supposed to meet at 10.00 and it can take three quarters of an hour to get to the city on a bad day from where we live, so I knew he'd be watching the clock so he could get away to her on time. That also stirred something within me.
What did it awaken?
Lyn and especially Les from about seven or eight years ago. They had known me as a kid (and actually remembered me) and offered to be mum and dad to me and grandparents to my kids. As soon as I didn't do what they wanted (was all church stuff) they very publically, coldly, calculatingly and maliciously rejected myself and my kids. It was very painful at the time and something I have never forgotten. But even when they were involved in my life, I always had to almost beg or plead for time with them and they were always talking about how they were doing this or that with their other kids and they never actually included me in that picture. I knew it from the very start, but I chose to ignore it, perhaps out of habit, even though everyone around me noticed it.
I guess the truth of the matter is that, in hearing Lloyd's references to Rachel, I felt that old familiar feeling of being not really that important or significant. I suppose the truth to be told, I always wanted a father who would time constrain others and not me, but all my life it has been me being constrained by their time for the sake of others. I have always been the one they have to rush with or rush away from and I have always felt like I have to milk every second in their presence because there may not be a next time. To be honest, I don't have the energy to feel all those old feelings again, (even though I am feeling them whether I want to or not) even though that is totally not what it was about with Lloyd, yet in some small way, it was. I know it must sound crazy, but that is about the best I can articulate what it was and is that I was/am feeling.
I guess I always suspected, as a kid, that I was a big fat nobody and easily gotten over. It has been trying, to say the least, to have had that suspicion confirmed beyond all reasonable doubt in adulthood
Rachel is lucky to have her father and he is lucky to have her. I suppose, in a silly way, I wanted a father to feel lucky to have me and I wanted to just once know what it was like feel lucky to have a father. Lloyd and Rachel are the reminder that it can never be, that it never will be, and that is a deeply painful thing for me that will haunt me the rest of my days. I feel alone and lonely. I know, it sounds pathetically sad, doesn't it? But honesty can be a complex word sometimes and the explanations born of honesty can be even stranger. So now you can call me pathetically sad, stupid, and crazy, change the address in the search bar and go find someone who is sane and actually makes a shred of sense.
I don't feel like clover, I feel like Katie!
Laterz
Tuesday 10th July
We have got some wild storms right now, tornados and all sorts, so bizarre!
Was supposed to meet Lloyd for coffee tomorrow, but at the last minute I have chickened out and so am not going. Why did I bail? A million reasons, all right on many different levels, and all wrong on many different levels too. But the real reason? I cannot say. Why? Because, on many levels, although I understand it, it would make no sense to anyone else. At most, to anyone who does not really know me well, and that's just about everyone I know, my reasons would sound juvenile. At the least my reasons would be interpreted as infantile. And yet I know that they are not.
I wish I had someone to talk to about this, yet there really isn't anyone I can talk to at all who would 'get it' nor be able to make any sense of it. It is not that it is complex, to the contrary it is pretty simple, and yet, on a few pyschological levels, it is probably quite complex to a point. Perhaps it is just that I have thought it through too much? I do that sometimes.
I have been looking at the future and judging its potential by the past. Weighing up possible storylines and comparing those to ones from the past, seeing where things could go, despite where things may have been. That's about it really. Anyway, so I have bailed and that is that.
laterz
Ps I should probably have titled this entry, "How to say absolutely nothing in two hundred or more words."
Monday 2nd July
Spoke to Lloyd for about two hours last night and it was really good. He has experienced an awful lot of loss in his life, which is kind of sad. He lost his dad about (I think he said) six months before he lost Simon. He also mentioned that he had been watching this movie about 18 months before Simon got sick where a young guy was dying of something and the story was told from the point of view of the guy, his father and then his mother. Lloyd said that, at the time, he had thought to himself, "Oh my that's terrible. I hope it never happens to me." Then on January 10th 1974 (might have the year wrong) Simon was diagnosed. Lloyd said he has always wondered whether by thinking those thoughts he might have kind of dared it to happen. Which is wrong, he didn't do that at all. But it did remind me of the times when I have thought, "Oh I never want to live there, go there or do that," you know what I mean? You kind of lament the worst thing that you think could ever happen to you and then wammo it happens.
Anyway, I told him that I rang my stepfather last week (and that I ended up osing as 'Sondra'), and he didn't seem too surprised by what was said to me. We spoke about heaps of things and he remembered when I was fourteen some of the things that were going on with me like the self harming and a few other bits and pieces. Which was good in some ways because it reminded me that yes I was once a kid. Which sounds odd, I know, but I always felt like I had an adult head on my shoulders and always constantly worried about things that I should not have had to worry about.
But he's at the hospital having some tests today, so I hope everything is okay with him and that there's nothing too badly wrong. He did tell me exactly what he's having the tests for, but I don't need to write it in here. Another thing, I was looking at his picture wondering why I remembered his eyes and the top part of his face and yet the bottom half I just didn't really recognise. I had forgotten that he always used to have a beard! As soon as he said that to me, the penny dropped. Anyway, so I will check in with him later to see how he is.
The trap in the front yard hasn't sourced the culprits for the bunny murder and Ogster has gone missing. Kids are on school holidays and so it's a full house for the next two weeks all day every day.
Laterz
Wednesday 27th June
Yesterday three dogs came onto our property and mauled our rabbit. My daughter found the rabbit, which was really icky for her, then of course, me being the adult, super hero and all that, had to go out and deal with it. Of course I cried!
Anyway, dog control has set a trap to try and catch the three of them and I kind of feel sorry for the dogs because it is not their fault that their stupid human owners are irresponsible and probably shouldn't be allowed to keep a rat for a pet, let alone a dog. I mean, who leaves their dog outside all night ungated and/or not tied up? Of course the dogs are going to wander and get into mischief and dogs have a pack instinct mentality, so it is just nature for them to do what they did. Maybe the owners should be impounded for 60 days?
Laterz
Tuesday 26th June
Heard from Wolf last night. He sounds like he's coming up out of whatever it was that he was in, although it sounds like it has been a productive time for him as well with his art and stuff like that. He's such a good guy, such a nice guy.
Laterz
I erased most of this post.
Actually, I did come back in here and erase a whole lot of stuff that I had written once I felt a bit better, but I haven't cried so much in ages...I'm SUCH A SOOK!)
Also, I think I have a bug because my neighbour Diane has had a bug go through her house and I went over there a few days ago for coffee, and I went there last night to fix her computer for her. Maybe I picked it up there? Went to the doctors last Thursday and so could have picked up there too...doctor's surgeries are the worst places to go if you are aiming to stay well.
Finally got my orthopedic report on my ankle and the surgeon says that there is evidence in the x-rays that I have had an acute fracture of the ankle at some point. Got that when I was 17, Xmas Day, 1983. Everyone heard my ankle snap, as we were running through the paddock playing chase. Being that it was Xmas day and we lived rurally, it was decided by my foster parents not to seek medical help because we'd all just get stuck at the hospital for days until enough broken bones turned up to warrant them calling in an X-ray Tech during the Stat holidays. I was cool with not going to hospital too, I hated hospitals then as much as I hate them now. So anyway, leaving it to heal on its own has finally caught up with me and it looks as though I may have to have the ankle reconstructed. Sounds like a blast! Will give physio a good try first though. Dumb ankle!
Laterz
"War does not determine who is right, it merely determines who is left."
Monday 25th June
I am attempting to put distance here between me and my last post. I let stuff get me down that I shouldn't allow myself to be bothered by.
Arkadi has gone back to Russia for three or so weeks and he is in Moscow as I speak. He was hoping to be able to go to an internet cafe, log on and say hello from there, but I guess I am going to have to be content with him simply bringing me back the Kremlin.
Actually, truth to be told, I'd rather he brought me back the palace at Tsarskoe Selo...that would be extremely awesome! He's doing some dissertation(sp) on the works of, oh my, some famous Russian novelist (whose name escapes me right now) but it was incredibly interesting and I think Wolf is right into his works of literature.
Speaking about Wolf, he's been pretty quiet lately and I am not quite sure where his head is at, you know, whether he's happy, sad, content or confused. If he's anything like me, he's probably a bit of each. Actually, Wolf is nothing like me at all. He's much better able to deal with the punches, rationalise everything and then simply move on. But maybe that is a 'man' thing as opposed to being a 'Wolf' thing? Men seem to bounce back better from things I think. Maybe because they don't internalise things to the extent that females do? Who knows? Not me, that's for sure.
He's been working on his art again, which is cool and he's really a very talented man, very passionate about what it is that he likes, loves and believes.
Laterz
Sunday 24th June
Texted Lloyd to maybe talk to him on the phone tonight. He said his daughter was coming to stay the night and that they were going out for dinner, but that I could try him about 8.30. I said I would leave it for another night. He said it was ok, but that if I changed my mind and decided to call him anyway, then that was okay too.
I learned a life lesson when I was about seven or eight. Was living with some people, and their daughter, who was the same age as I, went and got on her dad's lap for a cuddle. When she got off his lap, I went and got onto his lap for a cuddle. He bellowed at me so loudly, he was so angry that I had presumed to think that I had the same liberties with him that she had. That was when I learned never to equate things as simply ok and straightforward. Just because my foster siblings might enjoy liberties with their dad that those same liberties did not extend to me. That lesson stayed with me all my life. One must never, ever, ever make the mistake of thinking that it is ok to encroach on someone's time with their own, even if they say that it is ok, it's not. To do that is to go where angels fear to tread.
Then I thought about her (and I don't even know her) spending time with her dad and how lucky she is to have her father, and then I cried. I cried because every time I think about fathers and daughters it makes me feel really sad and it makes me miss my father all over again, even though I never even knew him, not even his name. Weird eh? It is so strange the things that make you feel sad and the suddeness of the onset of the sadness, I never see it coming. I miss my father, whoever he was/is, I miss him. I have missed him all my life...not that I would EVER openly admit it...this is a blog that no one reads, remember? I can say what I like in here without fear or shame!
As a kid, especially when things were bad, I used to hold onto this secret hope that one day my father was going to come and get me. I used to hope that, whoever he was, that one day he would go to the dept and say, "That's my daughter and I'm taking her."
It never happened though, obviously. But it was a hope that kept me going for a long time, that maybe one day, maybe even by some fluke of a chance, I'd discover who he was and I'd be able to find him. What happened to that old saying that you never miss what you never had?
Us humans, well me anyway, I'm so dumb sometimes!
Laterz
Saturday 23rd June
Several things are on my mind today and none of them are particularly nice. I am so glad that, as evident by the hit counter, absolutely no one comes in here. The 18 on it so far are all from me, yes the silly thing counts me too.
I was wandering around in this site yesterday and I happened to be looking at Dannevirke High School, looking for pics of my stepfather's brothers and I found this woman who was looking for my stepfather. So I clicked on her name and discovered that, to my utter dismay, she had found him. Someone else posted his phone numbers in there and one was a celphone and yes, you guessed it, I couldn't help myself. I punched the number into the phone, thinking he wouldn't answer and that the phone probably belonged to some fool woman who had been brainless enough to get involved with him, and that it would be her who answered. Imagine my horror when he answered. I should have just hung up on him, but I didn't. Hearing his voice kind of made my mind go blank for a few seconds and then I spouted some lie about being a woman looking for the guy that I have just found. Knowing that they knew each other at school kind of made it feesible that someone would ring Robert looking for Lloyd. He asked my name and I babbled out that it was Sondra and then promptly forgot what name I had given him. Fortunately he reminded me on several occasion when he spoke it, phew, that was close.
I KNOW! HOW DISHONEST OF ME, BUT I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK AT THE TIME! I AM ALLOWED TO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT LYING TO HIM AFTER ALL HE DID TO ME!
Okay, it was wrong and I shouldn't have done it and I don't really know why I did. Yes I do. I know exactly why I did it. I wanted to know what he would say about me. Robert told Sondra (me) that Lloyd got lumbered with Maud's third born brat (me) and that he had a hell of a time trying to home the brat (me). Lie number one.
Lloyd didn't get lumbered with me...okay, so maybe he did, but I wasn't a brat. Fuck it, maybe I was a brat, but only because I never had a chance to be anything else by that stage. No, I wasn't a brat.
Good grief listen to me!
(I don't need anyone to torment me, I'm doing an okay job of it all by myself! Why do I do this to me? Why can't I just let responsibility for what happened go? Why must I keep looking for reasons to blame me? Maybe if I lose all the reasons to blame me then I might see a helpless innocent kid back then and I won't be able to cope with that reality? Maybe I should do what everyone else did with that child, resign her to the 'too hard' basket and move on? Maybe I should quit trying to make any sense out of her and out of what happened?
So I have storied myself. I have demonised myself in an effort to justify what other people did. Why would I do that? Because if I did it to myself then I have no right to grieve it. I have no right to cry about it and I have no right to blame them and finally it makes their rejection of me justified, thus they are vindicated. They become the innocent hapless victims and I am the guilty and somehow that is just an easier reality to deal with. It also helps to keep the intense sense of grief I feel at bay.)
I also wanted to see whether Robert would say anything nice at all about me and I wanted to see if I could detect any sort of affection for me in his words or in his voice. Even though I knew that there wouldn't be, I still had to do this to myself...I'M SUCH AN IDIOT AND A SUCKER FOR PUNISHMENT! (Some of what he said about me isn't repeatable it was so horrible, but the following is the repeatable guts of the conversation.)
Robert lied and told Sondra (me) that he had seen brat (me) about six years ago, loaned brat (me) $2500 that brat (me) supposedly refused to pay back. He then proceeded to tell Sondra (me) that when he asked brat (me) for the money back that brat (me) said, and I quote, "No, it's my inheritance!" Robert then proceeded to tell Sondra (me) that he told brat (me) and I quote again, "Okay, here's the other half of your inheritance, now bugger off."
Now, this is the real version of what happened between brat (me) and Robert. It was ten years ago and he turned up out of the blue where I was living...well not totally out of the blue, my older sister was staying with him for a holiday and she brought him to my house. Once the holiday was done and she was long gone, Robert came back again a few weeks later. He gave me $60.00 for the kids. I didn't even want to take it and tried to refuse, but he insisted I take it. Anyone who knows Robert at all knows that he NEVER gives money away, that there WILL be a catch. Usually he is the one getting you to part with your money, which is another reason I didn't want to take the $60.00. I figured if I took it then that would give him reason to hit me up for money because that is what he does. And anyone who knows him also knows that he never has the amount of money he told Sondra (me) that he had loaned brat (me)...EVER! (I offered to give the $60.00 back to him on a later occasion, but he insisted that he didn't want it. Now, 23rd June, 2007, I am going to find his address and send it to him because I am damned if he is going to get away with accusing me of shit like that!)
Another couple of very quick visits ensued, but it is the very last visit he paid me that springs to mind the most. The one where he told me that I'm not his child and then proceeded to try kiss me and shove his tongue down my throat! I told HIM to 'bugger off', but I said it nicely. I told him never to come near me again that I am not his kid and want nothing more to do with him.
It never ceases to amaze me how that man is so proficient at turning events around and making himself seem like the nice guy. It amazes me even more how smoothly his incredibly detailed lies roll off his tongue! He is an asshole...an alcoholic asshole to boot! I wish I could boot him. I really wanted to send a message to the chick that had found him and warn her away, but I would never give him the satisfaction of even knowing that I spared him a nanosecond of thought.
The other thing on my mind? Lloyd.
I have been thinking about him a lot.
In thinking about him, other things have come to mind. Like the time that he got sent out to deal with me in 1979 when I got suspended from school. I was going through a bad time with my foster father and it culminated in me tipping the classroom upside down several times and also it culminated in me telling the cooking teacher to go be intimate with herself! Obviously my instructions to her, regarding this matter, were a little more explicit than that and I got suspended. Lloyd came out on the Monday that I was due to go back to school, my suspension having reached its conclusion. I was refusing to wear my uniform jersey and the shoes my foster mother had bought me. I wouldn't wear the shoes because I got teased for wearing those ones and I didn't want to wear the jersey because my boobs were easily seen and stared at by my creepy foster father because the jersey was too small. Lloyd sat in the lounge with me and kind of nicely read the riot act about my shoes and jersey. He asked me why I wouldn't wear them and I just said, "Because I don't want to." He told me that I had to, so I did, what choice did I have. He then addressed the issue of the letter I had written my mother about being belted around by my foster father. I had written it and stupidly asked my foster mother to post it. They opened it and read it and gave it to Lloyd. I don't know what became of that letter, but I do remember that Lloyd took me to school and fronted up to the principal with me in tow. Needless to say, my predicament worsened after that, not because of Lloyd, just because of the way that things were. Thinking on that now, in my adult mind, I do not envy Lloyd the job that he had, poor guy. What in the world made him choose Social Work as a career?
Sometimes I just want to cry and now is one of those times, but I won't. I never do.
I have been thinking about the story Lloyd told me about his son (when I tried to commit suicide at 14) and something occured to me. What occured to me is that he was just about the only person back then who ever shared a real piece of themselves with me. He didn't pluck something imaginery out of the sky to say to me, he shared something from his heart, the loss of his son. Now a second thing occured to me about that and it is the following. Can you imagine what it must have been like for him to have to be the one who had to deal with the situation I was in at the time? Maybe he was really pissed at me and that is why he told that story? Maybe he told it because he was angry and it really had nothing to do with helping me? Why is it all about me? Because this is my blog and because I am trying to work out if anyone at all gave a fuck about me back then. Did Lloyd care about me at all? Or was I just another number on a file? Another pain in the neck? Another kid who was going to grow up to be a drain on general society like her father? Lloyd thought Robert was my father and he knew him at school and it was at the hospital this same time that he told me that Robert was a bully. He also told me that he once gave him a good kick in the shin when he picked on Lloyd one time. I was so proud of Lloyd in those moments when he told me that. I remember looking at Lloyd from where I was lying in that hospital bed thinking how brave he must have been to do that to the bully that Robert was. I felt like, in some way, at least someone had exacted a little of Robert's own medicine upon Robert!
Can you imagine what it must have been like for Lloyd to have to go to work every day to deal with kids who had been abused and unwanted by their parents after having lost his son? He loved his son, he loved his son very much and I know he did because I remember the way he spoke at the time. I almost remember word for word what he said to me about him. He said, "I want to tell you a story about a little boy. He got sick, he had leukemia(sp) and he fought every day to stay alive, but he couldn't and in the end he died." He went quiet for a few seconds and then he looked at me and he said, almost in a whisper, "That little boy was my son."
I felt bad for him and I felt bad for his son. I felt bad that I could not die and I felt bad that his son had not been able to live. I understood that the boy had been much loved by his father and in those seconds, somewhere inside me, I think I may have even envied him that someone felt sad that he was no longer there. I knew that, at the time, my death would not hurt anyone and it seemed unfair that I should live and that his son had died. (And it is truth that the death of his son has haunted me from time to time since that day, and, over the years, I have thought about that boy a lot. I now know his name, his name was Simon.) Simon lived and he was loved.
But what didn't occur to me, at the time, is just how horrible that situation with me at the hospital that day must have been for Lloyd. Why did they make him be the one to go with me? Why didn't my Social Worker come with me to the hospital? Did he come with the intent of teaching me a lesson? Did he do it because he cared? Or did he do it because he drew the short straw? Maybe he did it because, as the HOD, it was his job to deal with situations like that? I always told myself that he did it because he cared, but I am good like that, I can convince myself of anything. I have storied myself all my life and I have always tried to inject logic into everything that ever happened.
But that he was/is a genuinely caring man, is something I am certain of. He is the only one of them I even liked. Now for the thing I never told him, not then and not since. The amount of times I stood beside the railway lines just across the road from the offices as a kid. I had this idea, at one stage, of sending my diary into the office via the post and once I had posted it I was going to go and jump in front of a train. At the time I remember thinking maybe it would wake my Social Worker up if she had to see that and then got my diary in the mail. I figured maybe then someone would believe me.
Why didn't I do it? Similar reasons as to why I never jumped out in front of a car when I was living with Uncle B. I was scared that maybe someone might stop me or maybe I'd screw it up and then there would be hell to pay. Why am I even talking about this? The experience of it all left me kind of fractured as a person. It is the reason I look at the world sometimes and it just seems so pointless. And on days like today, it is easy to believe that Lloyd simply drew the short straw.
Laterz
Ps Normally I would come running back in here and erase all I have written in my emotional outburst and replace it with something far more acceptable, but I am sick of doing that. This is MY SPACE...okay it's Piczo, but it's my place to say whatever I want to say and I'm not editing it out any more. I hate life in these moments and I feel like jumping off a very high bridge! All offers to help me achieve my goal will be readily and immediately rejected...it's just a phase...this too shall pass!
Thursday 21st June
It's been an interesting last few days. I tracked down a guy who used to be the HOD of Social Welfare in the area I lived in when I was a kid. He is the one who told me the story of his sons's death when I tried to end it all when I was fourteen. He came to the hospital with me and while he was there with me, he also told me that he knew my step father because they had gone to the same school. This guy told me way back then that my step father was a bully at school and that they were all scared of him.
Anyway, I rang this guy, wondering whether he would even talk to me or not and he did. He is still as nice as I remember him being. Unfortunately he lost his wife about four years ago, I think to cancer. Bad shit happens to good people. Her name was Ruth. Ruth lived and she was loved.
We spoke for about an hour, maybe a little longer and it was sort of surreal and yet comforting to speak to him. He knew a number of people that I had lived with and some of the things that I thought as a kid about these people, he was thinking back then too. It was like finding a part of myself, finding him. I felt almost complete when speaking to him, like it was really real instead of some thing that I was speaking of and yet, at the same time, had removed myself from. When I got off the phone to him I cried, partly in sadness and partly in relief. He was there, he knew me, he's a living breathing witness to some of the things that happened to me and I felt really real when I spoke to him. For the first time I could speak about stuff and someone knew exactly what I was saying and I didn't feel doubted. The odd thing is that he knew me longer than three sets of foster parents did.
When my step father was a youngster and a teenager, this guy's mother used to look out for him...he says his mum had a soft spot for him. I told him about him drinking, kicking the dog almost to death and some of the other things that he did, and he didn't seem the least bit surprised. In another weird twist, it seems that my stepfather also went to school with the guy who killed Olympia and Saliel. Is that strange or what? But the three of them lived in the same small town and went to the same school.
Sometimes I feel so sad and haunted. Sometimes I just want to throw everything away.
Monday 4th June
"Silence (Delirium)"
Give me release, witness me, I am outside,give me peace. Heaven holds a sense of wonder and I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up when the rage in me subsides.
In this white wave I am sinking, in this silence. In this white wave, in this silence I believe.
Passion chokes the flower 'til she cries no more. Possessing all the beauty hungry still for more. Heaven holds a sense of wonder...
I can't help this longing comfort me. I can't hold it all in
if you won't let me. Heaven holds a sense of wonder...
In this white wave I am sinking, in this silence. In this white wave, in this silence I believe. I have seen you in this white wave you are silent. You are breathing in this white wave, I am free.
Sunday 20th May
I have been enduring panic attacks and anxiety disorder and a little PTSD (perhaps the PTSD was the precursor to the panic and anxiety) since I was eighteen years old. There are so many things I could say about it, but most I won't bother mentioning. But there are several things I have noticed about it over the years and because I feel like coming right out and speaking about it, no reasons for this though, other than that maybe it is time, I will speak of those things.
First thing about the disorder (I hate that name, but that is what it is) is that when I am involved in church, it is always a so much more pronounced feature in my life. The more I get involved with church, the worse it becomes. The further away from spending time in church I get, the less pronounced the disorder seems to become. I don't know exactly why that is, but I do have some ideas, but I will go into those later.
Another thing that I have noticed is that the symptoms of my disorder are often triggered by colours, which sounds odd, but it won't, once I explain, well not explain, but give you an example of it.
Example: One day my husband (I am no longer married and this occured when I was reasonably panic and anxiety free) were driving over the Rimataka Hills to go to Lower Hutt to visit his brother or something. We were following behind a ute...in the States I think they call these vehicles 'flat decks' or something like that. Anyway, as we were following this vehicle, I was staring at the back of it, as you do when you are following another vehicle, and suddenly I began to fell very, very strange. My heart rate started to increase and I felt my head beginning to pound in an odd kind of way. The more I stared at the back of the truck, the worse the feelings became, and yet even as I tried to divert my attention to something else in my immediate surroundings, my mind was drawn to the back of the ute. I must have stared at it for 15 minutes before my mind finally conjured up what it was looking for.
When I was a child, one Christmas, I was given a big white plastic shell that had a brush, comb, mirror, soap box and toothbrush holder in it. I would have been all of five or six at the most. The colour of the objects inside the shell were a strange shade of turquoise (sp) green The back of the ute was that exact odd shade of green and I had not seen that shade of green since that Christmas day. Not only had I not seen that shade of green since that day, but I had not even remembered the shell and its contents until the day I saw that ute. Why did that colour trigger such a huge fear reaction in me? My mother had given me the shell with the objects in it and she had been a major perpetrator of physical, emotional and psychological terror upon me as a small child.
Another time I saw a glitter green picture and it caused the same fear response in me and and yet I did not know why. After staring at the picture for some time, I suddenly remembered being given a green glitter bracelet, again, from my mother at Christmas, which was oddly the only day of the year where I could count on her to at least be a little nice. There are many other instances where colours have caused me to go into severe panic. The reaction starts off as merely an annoying sensation to begin with, but as the memory dredges itself up, it becomes pure terror. I know that it must sound strange and I do not know why colours do it to me, but they do.
When I have a particularly bad panic attack, I get real light headed and feel as though I cannot breathe. I never really understood why that used to happen, but over the years I have finally worked it out. When I was four my step father was beating me and because I cried too loudly, he put his hand over my nose and mouth so that I could not breathe at all. During that terrifying experience I remember thinking that I was going to die I remember my mother coming down to the room, standing in the doorway and saying to him, "You're gonna kill her !" When my stepfather continued on as though she had said nothing, she said, "Bloody killher then," and she walked away back to the kitchen. I know because I distinctly remember hearing the kitchen door being slammed. Other times, if I cried too loudly when he was hitting me, he would put the pillow over my face and I could not breathe properly then either. So, when panic attacks occur, it is only natural that my brain, in its panic, will mimick the sensation of not being able to breathe The sad thing is that, although I understand why this sensation happens, I cannot stop the sensation from happening.
I tried to excise the feeling of not being able to breathe from myself by writing the symptom into a series of novels I wrote. I had the main character suffer from the same disorder with exactly the same symptoms and I guess, in a way, I was trying to see whether, through understanding her and bringing her through that awful thing, that perhaps, somehow, I might be able to cure me. Well, it was an abysmal failure, but the story was real good...(I say tongue in cheek!)
As for the church thing, it is two fold. First of all, my mother scared me shitless of God. Every time something bad happened, like an accident or something, she would sneer at me, or my siblings, "That's God getting you back!"
She never said it about Jesus Christ, only about God, so, in my little mind, God was a terrifying ogre and the only person who could save me from him was literally Jesus Christ. But as I got older, people confused me about who God and Jesus were. I saw God as God and Jesus as Jesus, and yet I was taught that they are one in the same. Although mostly my mind still spearates them as two individual people, in my fear, they become melded as one, which could potentially, to my mind, mean that they are both the wicked ogre just waiting to do something nasty to 'get me back' for whatever infraction against the laws of God that I may have knowingly or unknowingly committed.
Secondly, there were people inside this one particular church that I was in for four years who abused me as a young kid. I suppose, even though I may not be aware of it, when I am inside a church, it is normal for those old fear responses to kick in when I am in a situation that, aesthetically anyway, replicates the place where I was unsafe and unprotected, and thus, hurt. Maybe there is more to it? I am unsure.
It is not that I view all churches or all Christians as bad, I don't. But for some reason my mind and its physiological workings seem to have a memory and a will of their own. When I get involved inside a church, the stresses in my life rise to boiling point very quickly and very soon my brain begins to wage a physiological war against my body, usually involving adrenaline, seratonin and probably a few other biological physiologically released chemicals that I do not even know about.
Some days I am totally convinced that hell is not some other place that exists, rather that 'hell' is right here, right in this life, existing inside a mind that was tormented from a very young age over a long period of time, and the outworking of 'hell' is actually the physiological war waged against my body by my brain, over which, I have absolutely no control. Trust me, I have tried.
Laterz
Ps...No it doesn't make me act crazy and no I am NOT crazy. Some days I wish I was crazy. See, if you go crazy then there is only one way to go from there and that is up. The kicker of this disorder is that you can't go crazy, which means that you never hit the bottom. Not hitting the bottom is good, but it is also very bad. One, I do not know what 'the bottom' looks like and thus I fear it because it is unknown. And two, if I never hit the bottom, which apprently I can't, then how am I ever going to be free of this?
Again, this disorder doesn't make me crazy,(well no more crazy than any other human alive) it just sometimes makes me feel incredibly unwell physically, and this can change from half hour to half hour, thus it makes living life to the fullest almost impossible. You see, the symptoms can be so yuck that I have gotten to the place where I rarely, if ever, go anywhere. Although, over the past few years, I have improved. I can go shopping for food without it being a complete disaster, and I can go to certain shops just to shop. I can't stay too long in those places, but at least I can go there now. I still can't go to picture theaters, they are too noisey and chaotic and as far as sensory perceptions go, they can be a complete assault upon my hearing, vision and thus my whole nervous system.
Some people have perceived me as untrusting and in some ways I am. But I am untrusting, on some level, not because of anything that they would understand. Often it was never okay for me to have an opinion and sometimes, when I dared to have one, it was assaulted violently, and because getting to know new people can set me off through that whole 'reliving' experience and thus panics and anxiety can be triggered by that process, I try to avert trouble before it starts.
I don't know if this helps anyone to understand anything about panic/anxiety, PTSD at all. I don't even know if anyone comes in here, but at least I wrote it down, at least I spoke it. I have tried to let go of some of the baggage through making videos and posting them on YouTube...I try to give those secret and often silent fears an image and a song and thus turn them into something that is projected away from me, outside of me, in the vain hope that, not only does it entertain others (probably confuses them more than anything) but that it will somehow distance those memories. I don't know if it is working or not, but one only survives because one fights, and this is the biggest fight of my life. Being able to live a semblence of an enjoyable life.
You see, I don't go out to visit people and I don't go out to places for entertainment. I stay home.
I write and I make videos and the only people I really communicate with in person, to any great degree, are my kids. I have been doing this now for almost two years and I feel as though I am content with my life.
But am I content?
Maybe I have simply managed to convince myself that the way I live my life makes me happy and content. Maybe I have fooled myself into believing that simply because there is no other viable option? But seriously, I don't feel discontent and I don't feel lonely and cut off, well, most of the time I don't. I don't know, maybe I should just stop thinking about it?
Laterz
Wednesday 2nd May
If George Bush was ever going to make a move, now would be it. He will be out of money to fund the Iraq war in about a month. He just vetoed a bill that would have given him the money to keep fighting because the bill demanded withdrawal of troops from Iraq.
Two things occur to me here. One, what's making him so confident that he does not need the money from Congress to fight the war? Does he have somewhere else to tap into the funds (I personally think he might).
Secondly, if he runs out of money in one month, could something terrible happen inside the boarders of the USA that will allow him to declare Martial law? Thus he will then be able to do what he likes?
He didn't seem at all bothered by the fact that he'd lost the money for his war. The other thing that didn't seem to bother him is the fact that the majority of Americans want their people brought home from Iraq. He loses all his financial support and basically says to the majority of Americans, "F#%k you, I'm going to do what I want to do."
Makes me wonder what's going to happen in the immediate future?
Laterz
Sunday 1st April
My oh my are there some nasty judgemental people in the world. I was wandering around in YouTube, as you do on a slow Sunday night and there is nothing on TV, and I decided to watch some clips of Anna Nicole Smith being interviewd by various people. Larry King was one of them...and that is a show that actually airs here and one I have never watched, that I recall. Anyway I watched his interview with her and it played in three parts. All the way through it, watching Anna Nicole, her body language and listening to her voice, I got a real impression of her that is totally contrary to everything I ever assumed and presumed about her.
I mean, I admit it, there was a time where I thought terrible things about her and really, to me, at the end of the day, she was just some bimbo that men went mad over because she was blonde, had big boobs and absolutely no brains. Here is an excerpt of something I wrote about her a few years back in 2005.... "But anyhoo I was looking for something decent to watch one night and I saw this coked up breast implanted, lip augmented, bottle blond making a total prat of herself on stage and I was embarrassed for her, never mind the poor audience stuck right there in the room with it. Anyway, so it got me to thinking about why men get so gaga and drooly over something that is 75% modern science and 25% human tissue...that when God gave out brains she heard 'trains' and asked for a very small slow one as she'd probably not find much use for it anyway...."
Then I went on to say,
"But men go gaga over her, I mean they line up to mount this 'thing'...never mind the fact that literally hundreds of men have preceded them and goodness only knows what else might be lurking around 'in there'...gross I know but necessary to make my point. Ok so lets break down what this woman possesses. Big boobage... excessivly big boobage...Ok she also has blond hair, but really where did that come from? A shop, or a very expensive salon, it's NOT real...sorry boys...but I think they already knew that. What about the important stuff? The ability to converse...well apparently guys don't like to converse during the fulfuiment of their desire with the object of their longing...and let's face it, she IS an object."
And then I finished with this,
"There are many many fine absolutely beautiful women out there in the world, why do men get stuck on Shallow Hal's like Anna Nicole? Ah, but see because she's shallow they can be shallow too, use her up and throw her away, she has that 'throw away disposable look' factor. It seems, in fact, inherent to who she is, and that's kind of sad I think. Because I'm sure that somewhere behind or beneath all the silicone, cocaine and botox is a very beautiful woman, a very sincere woman who has probably not led the easiest life. I mean I'm really no better than those men who use her, I mean I ridicule her and judge her too, and really, who am I to do that to someone else, no matter who they are?
So I leave you with this question, Is Anna Nicole Smith the way she is because she chose to be, or is she the way she is because men made her have to be that way? One final question, do you think that she has ever really truly been loved by anyone?"
Two years ago I never thought, at the time I wrote all of those things, that I would ever see the day where I would regret it or even disagreee with it, yet here that day is. Yes if Anna hadn't died I would probably not have revisited this and very seldom would I have given her another thought. I did think about her when her son died just after her daughter had been born, but I still didn't really consider her to any great depth. Her son was born the same year as my eldest and sure I thought how terrible it must be for her, but I never really thought about her.
So tonight I looked around in YouTube and I watched some of the interviews that were filmed of her and you know what? The girl you see on the cover of the magazines does not seem to be the same girl that you see in person in an interview situation.
You can tell clearly that she is not well educated, it is apprent from the way she speaks that the 'dizzy blonde' is not an act. She really is not well educated at all, but then she never claimed to be. Her entrance into the world of pornography seems to have stemmed from her being left with a child to raise alone and being unable to make ends meet. Her relationships that she had entertained with men, when she spoke of them, had been entered into, it seemed, honestly and wholeheartedly on her part. Keep in mind a person who is not well educated will eventually give themselves away through their demeanour or through something that they say. In the interviews, Anna came across as very honest and sincere. When she did not understand what was being asked of her, she did not pretend. She was up front about being totally lost. She did not become angry, rude or abusive, sassy, smart mouthed or arrogant. She handled herself with more class than I have seen in some people who are a thousand times more educated than her.
There was a sincerety in her eyes that was unmistakeable. She was not putting on an act or trying to convince anyone of anything. She spoke with genuine emotion of her elderly husband and I think, from what I could gather, she eventually married him because he had been kind to her and her son, whereas everyone else had been quite cold and uncaring. She felt that she owed the man a debt and it was a debt of happiness. She married him thinking it would make him as happy as he had made her, and for all intents and purposes, it did. Like she said, if she had been a gold digger would she not have stashed money away while he was still a live 'just in case'? But she did not do that, and trust me, when people come from where Anna came from, they do stuff like that, but not her.
She worked the entire time that she was with him and she did not live off him as such. Two years before she married him, he had asked her to marry him and she told him that she would not marry him until she had made something of herself. This old guy rescued her from a Gentlemen's Club, where she said she hated every moment there, but working there had allowed her to be able to provide adequately for her son. Two years later, when she had finally made a name for herself, she honoured her promise to marry him.
I also saw an interview where a Christian reporter spoke to her and he was actually strining her along and actually trying to make a complete fool out of her. But Anna, despite being a little worse for wear, handled herself to a degree that can only be described as dignified. Rather than calling the guy a 'tosser', which is exactly what he was, as he questioned her about religion and asked her questions I think he knew that she could not answer, she smiled and spoke nicely and kindly. When she spoke about her love for God, I have never seen someone's eyes come alive so much and I have never seen a woman look so beautiful as what she did when she spoke of her love for God and the fact that she viewed Jesus Christ as her Lord and Saviour.
Now you judge her all you want. You go on about how she spoke of facets of God that most of us do not accept as facts. You can speak of how her understanding of God was apparently severely limited. You can speak about how her life did not reflect the values inherent within the life of a Christian. But once you have said all of that, you go and take a look at yourself and see how well you measure up. If you still think you have the right to throw the first stone, then guys and girls, you throw it, but I won't.
I am not here to espouse what I thought her life stood for or even to make a judgement call on how she lived or how she thought about things like religion, God, Jesus Christ and love, cos I didn't know her heart. I still don't know her heart. But when I saw her speaking about God and Jesus Christ with the love and passion that she had, (and I am telling you, she wasn't acting,) I saw a glimpse of something so beautiful within her that I almost cried.
There was something inherently sweet and sincere about Anna Nicole Smith, despite the things that she did in her life. I am not saying she should be admired or looked up to, hated or despised. I am merely pointing out what I once thought and what I think now. I guess my biggest prayer is that when her little girl grows up and begins to find out things about her mother, that she does not miss the glimpses of true beauty that her mother possessed. And I am not speaking aesthetics here, I am speaking of her heart.
The bottom line is that all people deserve not to be judged by us and we can be so cruel with our words at times, I know I was back in 2005 and I am sorry for it now. I regret having said those things.
In YouTube people left messages calling her a whore, bagging her for saying that she loved God and viewed Jesus Christ as her personal Lord and Saviour. They ridiculed her for saying that she prayed every day and most of those comments were left by self-confessed Christians. Not only were they left by Christians, but some even made videos where they used the Word of God to judge and condemn her. As a side issue here, I saw more genuine love in her eyes and heard more genuine emotion in her voice for God in those precious few seconds than I have ever seen in some of those great televangelist money grubbing heretics who hold themselves up as holier than thou. I may be wrong to point this out, but it does cause one to think.
Then there is the issue of Anna Nicole supposedly committing suicide and they go on about how selfish she was that she could not even stay for her own child...and how she's going to burn in hell. On the suicide, we don't know whether she suffered PND or not. Certainly the older you are when you have your babies the more prone you can be to suffering from it. Add to that possibility the fact that her son died in her hospital room when her daughter was only three days old. Her son was the only person on this earth whom she felt she could truly trust. Depression does things to your head. PND can do even worse things to your head. I have read that Anna was really battling to keep it together when her son died...every day was a battle for her...she may not have even been aware of what she was doing.
It makes me really angry when Christians go around telling people that their loved one who committed suicide is going to hell. They do not know that. Sure they can take a scripture that may have applied to one person in one context at one time and try to apply it to every and all other situations, but not everything applies exactly to everyone in every situation. God is a one size fits all in His laws and His words, but He also sees us as unique individuals created by Him. He and He alone knows what is in our hearts, what has motivated us to do and say all the things that we have said and done in our lives. He alone, no one else. You don't have the right to presume to know exactly what God is going to say to any given individual when He meets them face to face.
Bottom line, if Anna Nicole Smith appears before God on the day with a good lawyer, aka Jesus Christ, then all will be well with her in the end, and I sincerely hope that it is exactly how it will be for her. Anna Nicole Smith lived and she WAS loved.
Laterz
Saturday 31st March
I was making a video remembering the life of Anna Nicole Smith and I told a friend of mine about it. He basically said, "What's to remember?"
I thought that was harsh, but then it got me to thinking about her life and her as a person...not that I knew her or anything. But a lot of people, who never personally knew her, seem to view her as one of two things, and that depends entirely upon your gender, so it seems. A lot of men view her as something of a dream...the ultimate wet dream, mounting Anna Nicole Smith. Most women seem to view her with much contempt viewing her as merely some vile, mostly plastic, semen recepticle. I think both of those views are probably, in some part, true. But viewing Anna Nicole Smith with that kind of tunnel vision is like saying that since the Cold War Russia's greatest achievements have been the export of Kaloshnikovs, followed closely by by Vodka, Caviar and suicidal novelists. There is more to Russia than that, just as there was more to Anna Nicole Smith.
Anyway, I ditched the video. I could clearly see that it was going to be something that was going to get me judged and harshly so, which is a shame because the video was quite beautiful, I thought.
Do you ever look at anyone and ever kind of get an idea into your head as to what you think the person is really like?
Have you ever done this only to discover that you are completely wrong? Good or bad, the vain imaginings of what sort of person you think they might be are often completely shattered with a rather large dose of reality. It happens to me all the time. Not that it is a positive or negative thing. It just 'is'.
Laterz
Tuesday 27th March
Let's look at the Ten Commandments...since I brought it up yesterday. I have merely placed my understandings of them below them. Others may disagree and have different ideas and understandings. But being that this is my blog I will refer to my understandings...but do not accept them as the only truth or the right or only understandings...always check things out for yourself.
1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Well that is simple enough. You shall worship nothing before God. It only takes a moment to see what can happen when one considers something more important than God. Let's say for example betting on horses or drinking. Either of those things, when placed above God to take a prominent role in your life lead to disaster. It is not hard to imagine how that can be...in other words, to hold something up higher than God in your life is to pretty much completely ignore him as anything or anyone of significance. Once you do that, the rest of the commandments have no impact in your life either.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
I believe this can be both literal and figurative. Again, to do this is to significantly decrease the worth of God in your life and thus the rest of the safety net that he has placed there for you becomes ineffective and you will fall to ruin.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
If someone calls your name long enough only to not really be speaking to you at all (sort of like crying wolf, but worse) or simply to throw a verbal tirade your way, how soon would it be that you would stop answering to your name? How soon would you get the impression that your name is only used as a phrase to scorn? And on the other hand, if you use the name of God to do wrong...to justify your misdeeds, how soon will it be before the people around you begin to despise your example of God? How long would it be before people were saying that they would rather burn eternally than be like you? No one is perfect, but to deliberately use the name of God for vain things, such as to scorn or to feed your greed and lust is wrong. This law clearly states that, I think.
4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
God knows how tough it is to be a human and he knows all of the pitfalls of being such a thing. This, at a minimum, can be viewed as an enforced rest that God had placed before us to preserve us and restrengthen us. It is also a day that one can solely focus upon him, for the care and worries of the world are temporarily lifted from our shoulders. Not for long, but long enough for us to regain our strength and to have a fresh start for the new week that lays ahead. It gives us time to spend with God...time where we do not need to hurry or worry. Men who worry seven days a week...men who work seven days a week do not tend to live long nor do they tend to be successful in the truest sense of the word.
5. Honour thy father and thy mother.
Hmm this one is a tricky one for me, but the bottom line is that your parents gave you life. If you have a mother then you must honour her...speak of her well, love her, obey her and hold her in the esteem that she is entitled to. Same with your father. I guess the bottom line is that if you cannot respect those with whom you had your very first emotionally intimate relationship, then how will you ever manage to respect and obey God? Again, the operative words are...if you had a mother and a father...some people don't. They have those who caused them to be here, but those people did not necessarily become the mother and the father of the child.
6. Thou shalt not kill.
This is pretty much self explanatory really. What happens when you kill someone? Well you create a victim in the first person by virtue of having killed them. You create a victim of yourself by virtue of having done this terrible thing. You then makes victims of the dead person's family, for they shall never see their loved one again. You make victims of your own family by bringing upon them shame and grief at having to watch you endure the consequences of your actions and by them being seen to have raised someone capable of such a terrible thing, even if it had nothing at all to do with them. End of the day, we are not allowed to kill...no matter what form that killing might take and no matter what the reasons might be. Killing cannot be justified within this commandment.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Simple. Sex out of wedlock is dangerous. Children are born who have no fathers and (and in some cases no mother either) that is a whole piece of grief on its own. Then in some instances you have mothers with no covering from a male and left to fend for herself and her child. Thirdly, man or woman, if you get caught doing the wild thing with someone you are not meant to be doing it with, a whole host of other nasty consequences can, and often do, ensue. For example disease and death...and they are just the pleasant things.
8. Thou shalt not steal.
Another self explanatory one. If you take something from someone else you may well be robbing them of what little they have. Whenever you steal, someone else gets to pay the price. Human consequences abound when stealing occurs...does not take a genius to work out what those consequences are.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
Many a good man has had his reputation ruined by malicious gossip and/or slander. Reputations can affect livelihoods and esteem of people...one should NEVER play with that by speaking false things against someone. I would go further to say that one should never speak against another at all unless it is required and in the first instance. Never should second or third party witnesses be allowed and credence. We all know how much taller a tale grows down the line.
10. Thou shalt not covet
Wanting what another man has can drive you to do things that are just insane. If you do not covet you will not be driven to doing those things. Simple really.
There are so many other aspects that can be addressed in regard to these commandments...these are only a few of them.
Laterz
Monday 26th March
There is no democracy under God. We do not get to sit around and form a majority who decides which of His laws we will follow and which ones we will not. It is His way or the highway. We are free to choose to follow His ways and if we opt not to follow them, then we get to face the consequences of such a thing, be they earthly or eternal. God made autocratic decisions for us based upon His knowledge of us and of what He knows is best for us. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Anyone who creates something almost always provides a handbook/manual on how the item in question should be cared for so that one may get optimum results. Humans are no different and our creator provided for us a manual too...it is called the bible..and if you want the short version of how to care for your human so that you get optimum results, then the Ten Commandments are it in a nutshell. I have no problem with the autocratic rule of God, none at all. But it does raise a question for me.
If God made autocratic decisions for us and then He appointed kings to reign over us who are answerable to Him because they are ordained by Him, then aren't we kind of setting ourselves up to reap the whirlwind when we depose and kill/exile them? Is not the deposing of kings born out of rebellion against the King...ordained by God to be king...so thus we fly in the face of God when we depose them and install to power the one we choose to be in power? Is revolution not revolt? Is not revolt, rebellion? Yet when I speak of deposing kings, I am not speaking of the Saddam Husseins of the world, I am speaking about Kings. But then again, if a king ordained by God was as bad as Saddam Hussein, (and again, King David was no saint either) if he was originally ordained by God, how dare we touch him? And I am not saying that Saddam Hussein was. I am merely using him as an example.
You see, if God's example to us is the example of his autocratic decisions (God did not sit around with angels who belonged to different political parties and demand that they cast votes on whether they agreed with His laws or not. He did not say that, if the majority of them did not agree with His laws that He would step back, amend them and then represent them again at a later date...to the contrary...those who tried to oppose and then depose him [to put it bluntly] got exiled from Heaven in no uncertain terms) then does it not fit that we were meant to be under autocratic rule here on earth?
You see, back in the good old days, kings feared God and they understood their role to be God given and they took that role seriously. Sure they did some terrible things, David is the prime example, yet God still left David to reign over the realm that He had given him. The only person to be able to depose a king and/or sort him out is God. Upon thinking about that, God being the same yesterday, today and always, does it not make you wonder just how of God this ideal of democracy is? Have you ever stopped to think what democracy really means and then looked around you at the democracy within which you live and seen the glaring glitches?
Democracy allows abortion...after all it is a democracy, if more than half the people agree that it is okay to kill babies, then that voice gets to speak for the conscience of the collective, even if there is a small minority that stands against it. Democracy allowed the killing of a woman by starvation because within the democracy it was decreed that her life was not worthy of being lived...although there was a minority against this action. Democracy allows men to lay with men and women to lay with women when God's standards clearly call that an abomination, but because the majority decree it to be only right and fair to be allowed to lay with whomever or whatever you like then so be it... it is after all a democracy so the majority rules...doesn't matter if the decisions are morally repugnant and totally offend God to the most grievous level.
Some people espouse the ideal that democracy can be based upon God's laws in regard to us, other than the Amish communities, who have totally nothing to do with democracy or regular society whatsoever, I have yet to see a democracy base itself entirely upon the laws of God. (And remember, Amish communities exist inside democracy, but they do not rule themselves in a democratic way that we can ever really hope to understand...their form of democracy comes from basing their lives upon what God stated was true and right for us...they base their rules and their laws upon God's word as near to their understanding of it allows them to get...so that there defers their way of life away from the democratic ideal as we understand it to be. No it is not perfect, but their allegiance is to God first, themselves second and that is how it is supposed to be...and even then they screw it up too, but they are a darn sight closer to democracy based upon God than any other society could ever hope to get...and one cannot argue that the Amish society is a lot safer to live in than ours...whether we live in New Zealand or America...not many Amish folks come up on murder charges or any other in comparison to the numbers in other societies who come up on the same charges every day.)
Democracy, by virtue of its definition and the outworking of the meaning of the word, flies in the face of almost all that is God...the proof of this IS our society as we know it.
I am the first to admit that the power of autocratic rule, when placed into the wrong hands, can be just as disasterous as democracy. Hitler is a prime example of an evil entity abusing his power of autocratic rule, yet I believe he got there through manipulation and deception. He made people think he was one thing when he was actually another, again, in a democratic kind of way, which is kind of counter productive to the idea of autocracy, but bottom line, Hitler was able to perpetrate the diabolical because the majority allowed him to. Whether they did this actively, submissively or simply by denying what was happening in front of their faces, who knows. Yet it is a truth that Hitler was a true contradiction and yet at the same time, shining example of what democracy/autocracy can achieve.
The ten commandments are really the short version of God's handbook for life, so they are a good starting point. The ten commandments hold answers for every possible scenario that you could pose and they seem to be the antidote to the things that ail us in life today. And when thought upon, one commandment compliments the next. Read them sometime, see if you cannot see what I mean. Any king who wants to base his rule around those is on the right track to potentially becoming a good king, as far as I am concerned.
Kings being deposed and replaced with democracy...I don't know that that is right. I don't know that we do not bring down a fire upon our heads when we do that thing. Just look at what becomes of society when decisions are left to a majority...often times the most godless ideas filter through and those who stand for what is right get ignored...and I mean what is right in the eyes of God according to what He said that we should do.
I can't help but think that mankind was always meant to be under autocratic rule while here on earth because under God, we are under autocratic rule. And every institution that God considered good always had one head, not a majority head. So why then should it be any different here on earth? Like I said, I do not know that any earthly king is a perfect king, but oftentimes their decisions were made in line with what they interpreted God to want. Now I am not saying that they did this well, or that they did this all the time, but most certainly democracy does not adhere to the will of God, not by a country mile.
These are just thoughts, things I have pondered today. I am not claiming to be right nor wrong, I only claim to be thinking on these things.
Laterz
Sunday 25th March
I am sitting here thinking about the way humans war. I am thinking about the end results and it always seems that, when all is said and done, we merely trade one kind of hell for another. Tsarist Russia became Communist Russia. It was not such a great place to live under the rule of the Tsars, so it is stated by some factions within historians, and yet under Lenin and then Stalin, it just became worse. The revolutionaries set out with an idea in mind, equality for everyone, but that is not how it worked out.
Germany traded Kaiser Wilhelm for Hitler, well not directly, but that is where it ended up when they traded in the Monarchy for an alternative. Isn't it funny though, countries hang their kings out to dry and before they know it they are in an even worse pickle? Is that because all kings, no matter whether they are good or bad, are ordained by God? Look at King David, he was a rogue of a man and he did terrible things and yet it was forbidden for anyone to touch a hair on his head. I think that it is possible that it is still true that all Kings are ordained to be king by God and that perhaps when a country deposes his king, that they ask for everything that they get.
I might be wrong, but in almost all cases where kings have been deposed, killed and or sent into exile, the country fairly soon seems to enter an even worse version of chaos. So is that all war is? Trading one kind of hell for another?
Look at Iraq. It was not a nice place to live under Hussein, but it is an even worse place to live now and I do not know when they might ever know peace again...maybe never. All of that done in the name of democracy...but really is democracy that elusive utopian ideal that, when it all comes down to it, does not really exist? Makes me wonder sometimes. Democracy looks like quite a scary thing at times because democracy in action does not look like democracy in theoretical sense of the understanding of the word.
Cuba is another good example. Castro had all these amazing ideas and ideals, pretty much in the same way as Lenin and Stalin did, and yet look at what happened there too.
Trading one hell for another...I think that is all that war is really good for.
Laterz
Tuesday 20th March
Actually, today it is one whole month and still no word, but yes, I am still a total fuckwit. You know, I screwed my friendship with him up all on my little lonesome. It just seemed that I could never just listen to what he had to say and not get offended or upset. Or he would think I'd get upset about him saying one thing, which wouldn't upset me at all, but then he would say something perfectly innocent and that would upset me.
See I think the real truth here is that I am not capable of having close intimate friendships with people to a degree. If they are laughter filled and me being silly, then they are great friendships...problem is that they never know the real me. Then when someone gets to know the real me, they don't like me, which, considering I am a total fuckwit, is totally understandable. So no wonder I appear to be...whatever...I am tired.
Writing when you are tired is like speaking when you are drunk...you end up saying all these things that you wish you could take back. Except in here when I write, I can calm down and then rush back in and delete it before anyone reads it. You have no idea how many times that I have done that in here. I come in and verbally vomit everywhere and man is it a mess. Five minutes later I come back in here and erase it all. Just in case someone does happen to stumble in here one day. I mean one time I remember stating, "This is my blog and I will scream, stamp my feet, swear or even slit my wrists and spray blood all over the walls if I want to." I definitely came in here and erased that. It is not that I would ever do it, it was just a way to make a blunt point...hmm was that an oxymoron...a contradiction in terms? Who cares?
Anyway, as I said I am tired...a tired fuckwit to boot and that is a bad combo when it comes to blogs. So I'll toodle and maybe write tomorrow.
Laterz
Monday 19th March
One whole month and still no word. That means nothing to anyone but me. I have a friend who is caught in a very nasty predicament. His ex who isn't really his ex wants to get back together with him but she doesn't. I know, it sounds confusing and it is. She gives him hope in one breath but in the same breath takes that hope away...then she gives it back...and then she takes it away again. I think she is actually deriving some kind of perverted pleasure from making the guy confused and miserable!
He can see it and yet he is not ready or able to let go. This woman has another guy hanging around as well and from what I gather, she is keeping my friend around as a sort of 'just in case'...for if the other one don't pan out. I feel sorry for this guy, I think he really loves her, or in the least he likes to think he loves her. He asks me about it all the time and wants my opinion on this that and the other.
I have made a point of being very honest about the fact that I am a total fuckwit, which he rejects as me putting myself down, but I am a fuckwit, just ask Wolf...anyway, I told him that too, just ask Wolf and he will tell you that indeed I am a total fuckwit...and then I say but if you really want to know what I think, then this is it.
I mean God love me (for no one else will) my relationships with men have been, at best, unmitigated disasters of epic proportions...oh is it Groundhog Day? I am sure I have very openly stated this fact somewhere else in here in regard to my relationships with men. I have told my friend that my relationships with men have been total disasters at best, and yet he still wants my opinion. And seeking opinions on your relationship woes from a total fuckwit whose relationships with men have been unmitigated disasters, is propbably not the smartest move that he can make. I have also told him this.
Anyway he said that he didn't care, so I said to him, "If you ever turn around and say that I am a fuckwit, then all I will say to you in reply is YOU CAN'T SAY THAT I NEVER WARNED YOU!"
And it is crystal clear to me that I should come with a warning sticker of some kind. Speaking of stickers, I did something really mean to my daughter the other day at the Warehouse...we do mean stuff to each other all the time and we always laugh about it...but I got this Easteregg sticker and stuck it on her back and left it on her the entire time that we were in the store...the sticker said, 'Don't poke me, I'm hollow.'
A friend of mine who works there was laughing and said, "You stuck that on her didn't you?"
I laughed and said, "Of course."
When I took the sticker off my daughter's back and she saw it, she laughed and told me to stick it back on, so I did.
Yeah so anyway, this friend of mine is in a real pickle over this woman and I am at a loss as to what else to tell him really. Sometimes I just want to slap him and scream...WAKE UP! But only a fuckwit would do that...oh that's right....hmm...
Laterz
Sunday 18th March
If every artist lives to create their masterpiece, then I have made mine. I made it today. It is called 'When Once Was Clover' and can be found in YouTube. It took me a few hours to make it, but once it was done it was perfect. The perfect knitting together of images, words and music that tell a story that probably only I understand. But hey, that doesn't matter. No one really understood Pablo Picasso, Henri Matisse or even Mozart. You see, no one really knows which piece of work they considered to be the ultimate potrayal of their talent, the deepest betrayer of what lived in the most secret parts of their hearts and minds, only they knew that, but I think I know how they must have felt when they recognised it. I think I understand what it means to be truly inspired by something that you made and at the same time knowing that you will never be able to create anything that is better. In every video that I have made, aside from this new one, there is always a frame that, afterwards, I wish I had not included or that I wish I had placed in another part of the video. I am completely happy with this one. So all that is left, I guess, is the slide down the other side.
One thing to be said for sure is that I am good at putting images to music. It is just something that I do exceptionally well and I get an immense sense of satisfcation when I see the completed project. Of course it is a talent that is good for nothing much in particular. But if I ever had to leave a legacy to the world that could not be in the form of anything living, 'When Once Was Clover' would be it. You see, it contains everything I ever felt, the images, the words, the music. It has the electric guitar that just makes you feel heady, the beat that feels almost primal, but the oddest thing about it is that the song I used is by a group I really never liked that much. Anyway, it works for me and that is all that matters.
If there is one truth that this life has taught me and that is also included in the song, it is the following; in this world when the time has come to face all your fears, you stand alone.
Laterz
Saturday 17th March
I guess I should be eternally relieved that no one comes in here and that this blog probably isn't being read. Why do I write it? Mostly for me because I like to write and I think it is good to have some place to dump the crap. So, technically speaking, or maybe its a technicality, this blog is a shit recepticle. Well that beats the hell out of doing anything else with it I guess.
God is kind of like that, you know, you can just chat away to Him and its all good. He don't give your secrets away. Did I happen to mention that I am now the proud owner of a Red Soxs baseball cap? Yes I am indeedy, after all those years. I wear it all the time. A friend of mine in the States sent it to me. She is lovely, very funny and she always has me in stitches laughing. What a great pity it is that she lives so far away. I think her and I would have some fun.
Oh my gosh I run a very serious risk of sounding almost normal! I better stop now. Last thought for this entry, 'remember we can't all see what you see when we look at the world. Doesn't make us right. Doesn't make us wrong. Just makes us different.'
Laterz
Friday 16th March
We all used to care about a lot of things. Different things. I am not speaking about values or moral truths, or maybe I am? It seems, with some people, it doesn't matter what you say. Your attempts at articulating what sits in your psyche in regard to any given topic, be it moralistic, religious, unrealistic or real life are treated as several different things. Yet hardly ever are they viewed in the way they were intended to be or in the light that they were offered.
Perhaps our IQ is fecked, our understandings are juvenile or we are just not worthy of being conversed with on some topics...of course, as with all good arguments, we should probably be considered wrong, be bypassed or left behind in accordance with the laws of natural selection. But let's pose this question, if the laws of natural selection define a person as unsuitable as friend material because that one person doesn't think exactly the same as someone else, does that mean that they are unnatural? Well if natural selection predisposes them not to survive, in regard to any given situation or relationship, one must assume that they are unnatural and thus get squished in the natural selection process by virtue of being unnatural. Egg or chicken, chicken or the egg?
Of course we all understand the concept of natural selection, some of us just think its a cop out to jump to some Darwinian concept when everything a person stands for may well fly in the face of most evolutionary theories that there are. You know, the idea of natural selection is that those who are strong and can adapt to new circumstances, be they emotional or physical, habitat or habit, will survive and they survive because nature predetrermined that they would by virtue of their genetic predisposition or position, which has evolved to suit the habitat that any given organism, animal or human might find themselves in. If one thinks about it long enough, those ideas could actually be interpreted as kind of Hitleresk or, may some of us be so bold as to rename it a Hitlerism or Stalinism? Trotski-ism or Leninism? Maybe even a Castroism? You may well believe Darwin, Trotsky, Lenin, Stalin, Castro and Hitler to be of completely different ilks, sciences, philosopies and theories. But if you pare them back to their most basic level, it is six of one and half a dozen of the other. My understandings are so much more muddied than the usual and my ideals and ideas are not as viable and so sometimes I do not know how I managed to leave the water and walk on land!
Sometimes I suspect that other people around me are more fecked in the head than I, and let me tell you something Mister, that's no mean accomplishment!
So do I give a feck?
I used to, but like we established yesterday, I don't know what I really think right now. Perhaps I just require a massive serotonin reuptake inhibitor? And I probably do, you see, I far prefer to read the drivel of Kant and Hegel than Darwin. For example, morality is possible, because a human individual has the capacity to freely will to act according to reason. Freedom requires the absence of all coercion and determining influence of custom, habit, inclination, desire, and conditionality. Thus, reason dictates essentially only one law: do only that action whose policy could be universalized as a law of nature. Think of this law of nature like Newton’s law of gravity. Whether or not we exist, there will still be gravity. But if no matter were to exist, gravity would cease to be. So a policy put into law that is annihilating of the human race, would soon cease to be that law. That's Kant in a nutshell.
Now THAT is an interesting concept.
But just because a person can (and just might) use ontological in a sentence and explain Aristotle's syllogistic concepts, it doesn't make them more worthy or less worthy of being listened to by any given person than someone else who could do it better than them, or someone who couldn't do it at all...And quite frankly, my personal opinion is that, if you line Darwin up beside Aristotle and Kant and Hegel, Aristotle makes a hell of a lot more sense. But you know what?
Whatever!
Our heads are sometimes filled with all of this most useless shit! So much useless information that hardly ever comes in handy and even when we speak it, according to some others, we supposedly have limited understandings of things...but hey, don't we all? Isn't it more important that we know truths? Moral truths? Yes we have heard that argument, 'define moral truths'. Whose moral truths would they be, based upon what concepts precepts, according to when, what, how, why and where?
Fuck all of that!
Moral truths.
Moral truths are the simple things that some folks sometimes lose sight of. It is a moral truth that you should treat other people, in any given situation, no matter the reason that they are in that situation, the way that you would like to be treated given the same circumstances, cos you know what? You never know when you might be wearing that poor bastard's shoes!
It does not take a genius to work out that it is wrong to starve someone to death just because you deem their life not worth living. Just the same as it is not right to take that life, it is not right to systematically strap someone down to a bed or chair and take their life because they committed a crime. We are not God and we do not have the right to take life. Killing is killing, if you can justify it for one man because of one reason, then eventually you will be able to justify it for all and for all reasons. This is not the ravings of a liberal bleeding heart, it is the words of someone who thinks it is repugnant to say that it is okay to take someone else's life. That is a moral truth to me, based upon what I have experienced of this world.
You might be the victim today and think it is perfectly okay to go off and scream for blood, heads on sticks and justice in whatever form you deem justice should be served (hot or cold, totally up to you) but you know what? You never know when someone you love might victimise someone else. If you were responsible for such a person, what would you want the victims to do? Be compassionate toward you or scream for your head on a stick?
You see we have all fucked it up and done stupid, careless, thoughtless shit to other people. You might think you haven't, but you have. We all have. We are humans. That's what we do best. Am I babbling on and prattling about nothing? No, no I am not.
There have been one or two occasions where things have happened in my life where I have reacted by screaming for someone's head on a stick and you know what? The few times I have done it have all backfired on me badly. So I have learned that one must always be compassionate and merciful toward others, even when we might be the victim of something really nasty. One must always be quick to forgive, not necessarily to forget, or lessons don't get learned. But if you cannot quickly forgive then you open the door for bitterness to creep in and baby I have seen some bitter people in my life! I would way rather be like this than to be like that! And there is nothing wrong with being able to not only draw a moral line in the sand that you think you will never cross, but to actually never cross it, no matter how liberal bleeding heart bonkers others might accuse you of being. And the point of saying all of this? They are what goes into my emotional state that makes it almost impossible for me to be angry of hateful toward the person who hurt my child.
Laterz
Thursday 15th March
Life is strange, and sometimes the things that happen in it, stranger. I had one of those days today that no one really ever wants to have and that no one, no matter who they are, would ever wish on someone else, no matter who the someone else might be and no matter what that someone else might have done.
About thirteen years ago I was married to a man who was interesting to say the least. Anyway he had a teenaged daughter who moved in with us mid way through our time together and she was not your normal garden variety child, but she was okay. My kids were quite young when she moved in. Anyway, a few years back one of my sons broke down and told me that this girl had 'messed around with him' while she lived with us.
He was genuinely devastated by this and it took a lot of courage for him to admit that he had been victimised. Anyway, at the time that he told me, yes I was pretty devastated too, but at the same time, I knew I could never tell my husband what my son had accused his daughter of doing. He would never have believed it anyway.
About four days ago, this daughter of his, now aged 28, had a nervous breakdown and went catatonic for three days. Finally last night she began to speak and the only thing she would say, over and over again, was what she had done to my son all those years ago. My husband and I split up some years back and I never did tell him what my son had told me. He rang me this morning asking me if I knew of anything that might have happened, when she was living with us, between her and this particular son of mine, who was much younger. I said to him that I had found out about something around four years back. What I did not know, until tonight, is that the abuse was not a one off thing (as if being a one off incident would somehow make this easier to cope with, or somehow be better or less damaging for my son, or in the least less intense) but it was ongoing the entire time she lived with us.
My ex asked me why I never told him about it. He said that I should have told him about it. I said to him, "You would never have believed it and you know darn well you wouldn't have."
In his round about kind of way he insinuated that it was my fault that his daughter is where she is now. He thinks that if I had said something four years ago that he would have been able to do something to help her. I just thought to myself, 'Hang on a second, how does this guy manage to do this to me? Every time something goes wrong it somehow becomes my fault." And as for doing something to help her, what about my son? He is the victim in this, not her. She victimised him, not the other way around, so damn it, why am I feeling guilty?
So I went out this afternoon and I found myself buying a card to send to her in the hospital telling her that there are no bitter feelings on my part (and oddly enough there aren't) and that I hope she gets well soon.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? AM I A FAULTY FUCKING UNIT THAT I FEEL SORRY FOR HER? I don't feel angry with her, not in the slightest, I just feel sick! I feel like I am not reacting the right way. I should be screaming for her head on a stick for doing that to my son. Yet here I am feeling sorry for her, feeling sorry for my son and feeling like the biggest traitor in the world for not hating her and feeling bitter about what she did to my child!
Even my friend said to me, "You can NEVER forgive her for this!"
I was too scared to say to my friend, "I already have!" Am I not bitter and hating her because I am screwed up? Or is it because I am just a compassionate person? Maybe I am just a fuckwit! I feel like a total failure and a traitor because I am not wanting to rip her head off and spit down her throat. Am I not angry because I somehow have never given myself the right to feel anger and run with it? I don't get it...she injured my child, she irreparably damaged the way he sees this world and some of the people within it, she altered his life and she did horrible, unmentionable things to him that he can never forget and as much as I tell myself this I still do not feel anything but compassion and pity for them both.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I am going to go and watch a movie about Fidel Castro! Maybe take my mind off this because I really do not know where to go with it at the moment.
Laters
Sunday 4th March
I have been having loads of fun in YouTube lately...I have uploaded I think 31 videos so far...ones I have made, not someone else's videos. The program I use is as old as the hills and I yearn for a better program that does way more things, but alas not yet.
I would really like to get Windows Vista, particularly the new Microsoft Word, my version is ten years old this year and the new one is supposed to be superb. But here it costs around $300.00 just for MW...and I do not think it will drop in price any time soon. All the PC shops like Dick Smiths, Noel Leeming and The Warehouse were getting rid of all their systems that were running on XP for a song, they were so cheap it was unreal!
Anyway, so it might be a better idea just to buy a whole new system with Vista on it, but it still won't come with MW2007.
Our bunny had baby bunnies and then she tried to kill them all so we began to handraise them. It was going really well up until Thursday when they all died. The vet said we did nothing wrong but that baby rabbits hardly ever survive being handraised. I buried them in the new garden and planted a tree on top of them. Tasha and I both cried when they died though, it was very sad.
laterz
Saturday 3rd March
If I am really lucky, no one but me comes in to read this blog at all. I have been thinking a lot and been bothered by the thought of USA going into Iran. I think that it is a 'giver' that they will go in there because this whole Iran saga has played out pretty much in the same way as the Iraq one did. Leak the rumour, deny it, then do it...although I think we are still between the deny it and the then do it phase.
I do not think many people can comprehend just how catastrophic the consequences of doing such a thing will be. The most interesting thing inside all of this, for me anyway, when I think about Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran, is the way that George Bush cleverly (and erroneously) managed to tie in Iraq with what happened on 9/11...assuming that 9/11 happened in the way they proposed that it did (and I am entirely unsure as to whether I believe much at all of what the US govt officially reported in regard to that terrible day...now I will be called a conspiracy nut, well I don't care, but I will get back to this issue shortly). One question it raised for me was why George suddenly jumped from chasing down Osama to chasing down Saddam. But you know, the Bush family and the Bin Laden family go way back, they have been friends and business partners for years and we are talking one huge pot full of gold here, as far as the monetary value of the business relationship. George killing Osama would have been an unforgivable encroachment upon the friendship. The Bin Ladens would have forgiven it about as much as George would have forgiven them killing one of his daughters. Yet, on the other hand, the American public and the world in general (including, funnily enough, a fair majority of Muslims) had been incredibly aggrieved by the events of 9/11 (our country was too because we too lost people due to the events) and our anger (both as a struggling mass of humanity and on an individual level) needed to be assuaged with some kind of action that mutated into some kind of justice...and it is fact that when humans are aggrieved en masse that forgiveness can be long in the coming and that some kind of justice needs to be seen to have been served upon someone. No one likes to feel as though someone else has gotten away with such terrible acts (as with what happened on 9/11) free of responsibility or consequence...and further to this, those responsible SHOULD be made to answer for what they did. But the operative words here are those responsible. No one has ever clearly identified those responsible, and to this day there is much speculation and contention on the issue of who was really responsible. Instead, some of those in powerful psotions took the words, war on terror and turned it into weapons of mass destruction and off to Iraq they went. Sidebar...how much intelligence and how many men and months could it possibly take to find an Arab living in a cave on dialysis surrounded by many other Arabs living in same cave? (Osama Bin Laden is six feet six inches tall, so he kind of stands out in a crowd. But that is really neither here nor there as far as I am concerned because I do not 100% believe that he actually had anything to do with 9/11. Terrorists committed those acts of terrorism for sure, but I do not believe that Osama is the terrorist responsible in this instance...who is? Only God knows with absolute certainty)
Anyway, back to my meandering thoughts.
George Bush, knowing he could not ever have Osama disposed of and be forgiven by the Bin Laden family, and knowing how much gold was potentially at stake, turned the whole thing up on its ass, quite cleverly I might add, and turned it into a hunt for Saddam...remember 'war on terror' to 'weapons of mass destruction' finally mutated to 'tyrants' and Osama was all but forgotten hidden away there in his cave amongst the hills of Afghanistan.
Now Saddam was not a very nice guy, in fact he was absolutely dreadful to anyone who opposed him, and yet he had not made any direct threats to the US, Britain, the Commonwealth or anyone else (Iran had well and truly cornered that market with its threats against Israel). Sure we could revisit Kuwait, but even then, my views are not the norm anyway. Yes Saddam killed people, jailed people and worse...and yes he should have answered for that. But in relation to him being killed as a follow up to 9/11, as some kind of representation of justice being served, (and let's face it, they used 9/11 to go into Iraq) I have to say that I am of the belief that innocent blood was shed. Saddam should not have been executed at all, as far as I am concerned. Yes he was a terrorist, yet on the other hand (and not that Saddam gets any Brownie points for this) he confined it to his own area and the USA is not the judge and jury for the rest of the world...we have the UN for that and we have the Hague.
I think Saddam should have been jailed for life for the atrocities that he committed, but he is not alone in committing atrocities. Which brings me to my second issue here. Slobodan Milosovic (sp) was taken to the Hague to be tried for exactly the same crimes as Saddam committed, and yet Saddam was not afforded the right to a fair trial. Sidebar- some people would argue (and rightly so) that most people in Iraq did not get fair trials under the reign of Saddam, so why should Saddam have gotten a fair trial? Well, we could go either way here. If it was good enough for the tyrant Slobodan(sp) to have a fair trial when he never extended that kindness to his victims, then why not Saddam? Or, if you want to go with the idea that he had no right to a fair trial because of what he did, then you have merely reduced what is left of humanity to the level of tyrants. In order to think this way, you yourself must become a heartless tyrant who possesses absolutely no level of compassion for anything or anyone. We base our idea of democracy on the ideal of fairness, of equality, of what is right, true and just, so if you want to argue that Saddam did not deserve a fair trial, then you are no better than him and your idea of democracy is bunk. Even God espouses the right to a fair trial for all, no matter what it is that they have done. He also espouses the idea that no man, no matter who he is, should be convicted and punished for that which he did not do. People have been taught to believe that Saddam was executed just for being a tyrant, and for committing atrocities. And if that had been the reason that the USA went in there in the first place, because they were dealing with a tyrant, then fair enough to propose that that is exactly what happened. But it is not and they didn't go into Iraq to rid the place of a tyrant. They went in on the premise that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. When they did not find them, they changed the premise to Saddam being a tyrant and that was what he was executed for in the end. But you must be able to see that the outcome for Saddam alone cancels out the premise that the USA went into Iraq for.
9/11-weapons of mass destruction - tyrant.
All of the accusations leveled at Saddam are true, but some of them could be interpreted to be the same in the case of George Bush...Tony Blair and many others in our world who still run around free as a lark...Sidebar-how many innocent Iraqis have been killed since they went in there at the reception of bullets coming from the guns of US and British soldiers...and how many innocent US and British soldiers have been slaughtered there because some people don't know how to tell the entire truth? Second sidebar...I note that George Bush is not keen for his daughters to 'sign up' and 'go off to fight the good fight in Iraq'...in fact very few, if any, US or British government memebers have children fighting in Iraq...no, they leave it to their 'patriots'.
Had Saddam been sent to the Hague, then I would agree that the trial might have been a little more unbiased, but my question is, why did they allow him to be tried by the people that tried him? Why did they allow him to be sentenced in the way that he was? Why was the execution carried out in the way that it was by the people that it was, when they did not do this with Slobodan (sp)? Perhaps the people 'in the know' in the US knew that, had Saddam been tried in the Hague, he would not have been executed, they would never be rid of him, and let's face it, Saddam was no longer a viable business partner with the US...and he had two many friends still in Iraq. I am not proposing that Saddam's friends are anything to write home about, but then again, neither are most of George's. Sidebar - some people propose that George Bush is a righteous, God fearing man because he goes to church every now and then and is against some things that are clearly unbiblical...not all men are all bad...but any man who speaks as a lamb and yet behaves as a revenous wolf is dangerous. Some men call 'good' evil and 'evil' good. When patriotism is engrained incorrectly within the psyche of some people, it is amazing what a government or individuals within any given government can get away with...and noteworthy also is the fact that, in the case of the US government anyway, more fuss was caused over Bill Clinton doing the 'wild thing' with Monica Lewinski than was made over George Bush speaking lies that have cost thousands upon thousands of lives, both American and Iraqi. Bottom line? A truly Godly man would NEVER condone the taking of life let alone the unjust taking of life...no matter whose life...no matter what they did...no matter why. Terry Shrivo being starved to death, babies being aborted, people being slaughtered in war and tyrants being hanged...it is all still 'killing' just by different names. The second we can condone any one of these forms of killing, we are no better than the worst tyrant himself...whomever that may be and I do not espouse for one second that I think of any one person as a worse tyrant than the other...and not to be forgotten, we all entertain the vices of tyranny at one point or another in our lives, by the doing of or the supporting of treacherous acts...whatever form those acts might take. The only thing that might differ is the point of realisation and the depths to which we have sunk before we reached the point of realisation and undertook to rectify that which we ruined in tyranny...if it can in fact be rectified. And that is not to say that we are all little Hitlers, Saddams, Milosovics, Mansons or Rasputins, we are not, but an element of what they do, at some level, be it even miniscule, lives within us...we simply choose whether to let it continue to know life within our existance or not. Most of us choose not to entertain treachery or tyranny in whatever form it may have taken, but some don't and their position in life is sometimes unhelpful in dissuading them from their inherited path and so it eventually becomes a choice that they exercise...Saddam and Slobodan (sp) were at the point whre they had chosen to stay the inhumane course of their actions and beliefs.
What I would love to know is what did Saddam do that finally made the Bush administration decide that they needed Saddam permanently out of the way? Again, don't get me wrong, I am not proposing that Saddam was a likable guy or that he did not deserve to answer for the crimes that he did commit, but sometimes that old adage, "Better the devil you know than the one you don't," is absolutely true. I am willing to bet that many Iraqis feel this way these days and I know for certain that a whole host of Americans do because I speak to some of them almost every day... and there are many more out there who post their thoughts, ideas and ideals on the web every day. Their thoughts, ideas and ideals do not qualify them as unpatriotic or conspiracy nuts.
Now, I want to rattle on about patriotism.
The word 'Patriotism' is a noun, not a verb, therefore it is not a doing word...it simply means love for or devotion to one's country. The object is one's country, not necessarily does this extend to one's government, which brings me to my next point. Any person who speaks out against their government, in certain countries in the world, are considered unpatriotic. In some countires, speaking out against your government is interpreted as the person being pro-terrorism.
In some countires, keeping your Goverment in check is considered wise and patriotic...if one loves one's country, then it is fair to say that one desires what is best for one's country and if the Government is behaving in a way that jeopardises the safety of one's country and the people contained within it, it is not unpatriotic to publically assert their suspicion of their Government's actions. Yet, many countries punish, ridicule and even jail those who assert that their government is the one behaving unpatriotically. Fortunately in my country this is not the case. We are encouraged to question our Government at every turn, not to simply believe, under the guise of patriotism, that everything our Government does is necessarily for the good of all the people...and often, what our Government does is not for the good of all the people. Yet in my country you can safely assert your beliefs and not be accused of being a terrorist or of being unpatriotic. That is as near to democracy as you can get in this day and age. The same cannot be said for a lot of other countries.
I think it is fair to say that if you influence and indoctrinate children with an idea of patriotism that is erroneous and does not really allow for the freedom of thought or speech within that country (without ridicule or suspicion), that in fact, you are not adhereing to the true sense of the word 'partiotism' or 'democracy'. If anything you are creating a generation that believes that it is wrong to question one's government in regard to what is good and right, and that you in fact go on to make these children believe that the true sense of patriotism is treachery, and that treachery is the true definition of patriotism. Remember, patriotism is love for and/or devotion to one's country, not to one's government...and to question one's Government is not unpatriotic...it would be foolhardy not to question one's government if an individual suspects that the behaviour of their Government is unpatriotic.
During the 1980s in New Zealand, our Government committed acts of a nature that were treacherous and not in the best interests of this country or the people contained within it. Ordinary New Zealanders did not take it lying down and they spoke out, and in those acts of patriotism, the Government had to stop doing what it was doing because ordinary New Zealanders called them on their treachery.
If people are raised to freely think, in regard to their Government and their country, then true patriots are formed. If one is berated with chants of allegiance to a government or a symbol of that government, no matter what that government does and that is ever changing, you end up raising people who are blindly patriotic, and patriotism, as is with justice, should never be blind. I am sure that there are people out there whom will propose that I do not know what I am speaking about, that's fine. There will be those out there who say, "You don't live in the USA so what business is it of yours?"
Simple, the world has been made so small through technological advances, that everything that the USA does outside of its own country affects us all, every single one of us. Same with countries l;ike Britain, Russia and China. It affects our ability to move around the world freely and safely, it affects our ability to get onto a plane without fear of it being blown up or the people aboard it being taken hostage. Radical Muslims hate us and mean us harm because of some things that some governments have done. If the USA goes into Iran then the ramifications will touch the entire world, and although some things have to come to pass, it would be really great if this particular thing did not come to pass. And the reality is, that the power to avert this potentially catastrophic event lies entirely with the US government. Why? Because we already know what George Bush thinks of the UN by the way he gave them the middle finger on the Iraq issue.
Well that is it for now.
Thursday 1st March
I have been terrible at keeping this blog going. I had good intentions, just never followed through this time. The gardens are looking really good, have put in major gardens and the place looks quite different. Been to the rock quarry at least three times to get rocks (duh, like what else would you get from a rock quarry?)
I had a dream about a friend of mine last night. In the dream he just walked up to me in the street and said hello. I looked at him, totally unsurprised to see him there (he doesn't even live in this country) and said, "You're a long way from Kansas, Dorothy."
I am not really sure why I would say that to him, but for a few seconds he just stared at me and I thought he was going to walk away, but he didn't. I then asked him where he was living and he said, "Napier...in the widow's area."
Now that was kind of an odd thing to say, except that he would never speak the way we do anyway and in the dream I was rationalising his response to my question. I was telling myself that he was living in the single mum's area because the housing was more affordable, which is an odd thing to think to yourself in a dream. Then he saw that Iwas holding a piece of paper and I told him that it was the beginnings of the draft of my final book in a series I have been writing for the past two years. I made a point of saying that it was the last part, even though I felt a great sadness about ending the story, as I spoke to him. Then in the dream I realised that I had no intentions of stopping the series and had just said it for his benefit. Why? Beats me, but it was a really odd dream and yet it was very vivid.
Back to reality.
On the news the other day I saw Donald Runsfield say that USA will, in all probability, go into Iran to sort them out. Then I saw Russia saying that they did not agree with America doing that at all, and that if they did, then they may have to 'rethink things', whatever that means. But I think it would be totally foolhardy of America to go into Iran, that would just set off a series of events that would be so catastrophic and that could, potentially anyway, not be easily solved.
My friend and I discussed this and we believe that if they go into Iran then Israel will be vulnerable. Sure America is friends with them, but look at what happened when Israel went into Lebanon to sort things out...Condominium (I know it's not her name) Rice went running to Lebanon and everyone was condemning Israel. I think that, bottom line, if Iran turns on Israel during this potential crisis, that USA will not defend her. I can't base this on anything concrete, it is just a feeling because George Bush is definitely a 'fair weather friend' when it comes to a lot of issues.
I know Saddam Hussein was a man who did terrible things, but George Bush is also a man who does terrible things, and let's face it, Iraq didn't look like that when Saddam was there. I know that my views will make me terribly unpopular with a lot of people, but I can never seem to win the popularity stakes anyway, so what the heck!
Don't get me wrong, I am not a friend of Iran in any sense of the real meaning of the word friend or any of the word's connotations, but I am a firm believer that each nation has the right to live as they wish and to worship as they please. I am not saying that I advocate for the worshipping of any and every kind of god, but I am advocating the freedom of choice that a nation can exercise...and it is a choice under God, because He gave us the freewill to choose. What right does one country have over another to say that what they worship is evil, when they do evil themselves? I am speaking of countries on a collective level. The bottom line is that every individual is answerable to God at the end of his or her life and He is who we have to give an account to, not George Bush or Mahmoud (can't say his last name let alone spell it). George Bush has no more right to push his will onto Iran, than Iran has to push its will onto Israel or anyone else. Yet this is the apparent path that each is threatening to take and who can sort it out? Certainly not the UN, you saw what happened with the Iraq thing. My bottom line is that I do not think that either USA or Iran are right in this instance, yet I must say that North Korea seems to pose the biggest immediate threat to world peace and safety than Iran does, so why is USA not marching on in there or at least threatening to do so? Something to think about I suppose.
I also discovered that a while ago I was accued of having agreed with what was done to Terri Shrivo, you remember her? The lady who was starved to death because her husband is a greedy womanising butt-wipe? Well, I do not know how that conclusion was attained by the person who accused me of it. I NEVER agreed with it and was appalled that the US justice system actually allowed that to be done. As I have stated in previous blogs, I do not condone the taking of a life no matter what an individual does. Again, if someone murdered one of my children, I would be the first lined up to blow the person's head off, but it would NOT make it right nor would the crime that motivated my behaviour justify that reaction. How can there be any confusion as to what I believe? The belief that it is wrong to take a life doesn't automatically qualify me as a bleeding heart liberal. I think it is wrong to take a life and the thing is that once you justify taking one life then it makes it easier to justify taking any life. This has been proved to be correct in the instance of Baby Knauer(sp)...he was the first victim of what went on to become 'the Holocaust'...what happened to him birthed the idea in Hitler's mind that some lives are not worth living and he went on to justify the taking of millions of innocent lives as a direct result of having deemed that one baby's life as not worthy of being lived. War is the same, people are no longer viewed as people...they instead become 'targets' or 'unfriendlies' and all sides in a war do this to each other. Oddly enough too, both sides or all sides will claim that God is on their side...um well, how does God choose who is more justified in taking the lives of their 'targets' or 'unfriendlies'?
Anyway, enough already. I have said enough today to get myself permanently sunk.
Thursday 18th January
Oh wow have I been lazy when it comes to blogging...only my second one for the year. I been busy putting in new gardens from scratch...going out and getting dirt, rocks for retaining walls, plants and what have you. It is all coming along nicely.
Summer has finally arrived...well it had! The days were hot and trhe humidity unreal, but now it has cooled off again and threatening rain. Good for my new gardens...bad for the half done ones. I even got a bird bath and a sun dial for the gardens...I love the sun dial and would love to know how to use it...Shiloh and I have been working on that together.
Bought a new celphone...had to cos my old one finally died. It was a slow miserable death too and the new phone I have is a G3 and does pix...actually it does almost everything except make me coffee. I don't use them for making phone calls, I think they are a bit of a health hazard. I do use it for txt though and this month, so far, I have sent around 400 txts.
Been keeping some odd hours lately. My friend Angie and her daughter Jayd come for coffee almost every night at midnight...yeah I know that it is kind of strange...but it is also different and therefore enjoyable. We sit out on the veranda under my ever-growing absolutely gorgeous wisteria and wile away the cool late nights/early mornings. My placeis looking real nice now that the Wisteria has been trained to grow over the top of the porch, looks how I always imagined I would like it to look, although the Wisteria has still to reach the other side of the scaffolding thingy majigger!
My plants all look beautiful and some have even come into flower...which is kind of a Spring thing, but the seasons are so mucked up.
Got two more budgies to keep my yellow budgie 'Moon' company...a blue one called 'Picasso' and a smokey blue one called 'Monet'. My kitten 'Matisse' is really cute and three months old now and doing really well. We also have another rabbit called 'Quilty' and Quilty is a psycho and I am scared witless of it and won't touch it. Quilty bites and hisses...yes, rabbits hiss. Never knew that before.
laterz
Monday 1st January
Well I am not a New Years resolution type at all, but I have promised myself that I will submit at least one piece of writing to a publisher per month for this entire year. It will probably ensure I get at least 12 rejection slips, but hey, I just thought that maybe I would give it a go.
Seems I have been replaced in some sectors of my life by those with a much higher IQ, but it is not entirely unexpected and I will live. But I must admit that with each passing year I feel more disconected from the world within which I live and even more isolated from the people who live in it with me, but those feelings seem to work on a sliding scale...some days I feel exceptionally isolated and others I do not feel in the least isolated.
I have no idea what this year may hold in store for us all...I have learned not to guess, but I have my ideas. How many more times will humanity, as a collective, scorch its conscience, or numb it even more as the case may be, who knows? What other atrocities will we perpetrate upon each other or allow one tyrant to perpetrate upon another people, who can tell? Sure bet is though that we will, in one form or another, in cowardice or indifference, allow this to happen before our very eyes and as a collective, kid ourselves into thinking "What a wonderful world."
No doubt we will send more rockets into space, more polar icecaps will melt, people will starve, car bombs will go off and maime and kill people, acts of terrorism both gentle and violent will be perpetrated, more leaders will pillage and plunder, wars will be ended and new ones will be declared and for another year we will still sit around in our collective denial and continue to sing, "What a wonderful world."
